MEMOIR | ADOPTION

His Adoption Was Our Greatest Gift

And then she decided to take him back

I stood on my son’s high school football field, wearing his number 49 jersey, and felt a jumble of emotions. It was senior night, and all the parents of the senior players were invited down to the field at halftime.

I was proud of him and what he had accomplished on the field. At the time, I was blissfully unaware that my desire to honor my son’s birth mother would, in a few months’ time, fracture my heart in a way I never would have imagined.

Returning to the stands, I handed his birth mother, Laura, the rose our shared son had presented me and told her I wanted her to have it. To a fault, I tend to put others’ feelings above my own.

My former husband and I had spent six years trying to conceive and another few years trying to adopt. When we had the opportunity to bring home a beautiful baby boy, we were ecstatic that our dream of being parents had finally happened.

It was a semi-open adoption, and we’d agreed to keep in touch with Laura throughout our son’s first two years. We excitedly shared pictures and updates through the adoption lawyer a few times a year.

The biological father, we were told, was unknown. She said she met him while working at a bar and agreed to go out with him. She reported that he took advantage of her and then left town. She claimed she didn’t know anything more than his first name. We had no reason to question her story.

Eight months after G’s adoption, we unexpectedly conceived a daughter, and three years later, we surprisingly got pregnant again and gave birth to a boy. We normalized talking about adoption, and we happily answered questions.

Though G occasionally had questions about his birth mother, we knew at some point that would change, and we were ready to have longer conversations with him.

The shift came just before his senior year. On a lazy summer day, he asked when he could meet his biological mother. I told him that once he turned 18, we’d be happy to facilitate contact, but he continued to press the timeline. He was never one for delayed gratification.

His father and I had divorced but maintained a cohesive team when co-parenting our kids. After numerous conversations, we decided to allow him to connect with Laura at the start of his senior year.

I contacted the adoption lawyer, who put me in touch with Laura, and she and I started emailing G. She agreed she was ready to connect with him, so I gave him her information so he could reach out to Laura when he was ready.

He was five months shy of his 18th birthday when he contacted her. We had no idea that soon, there would be a divide so deep it would take years to bridge the chasm.

First contact

Against the advice of friends and family, I invited Laura to stay at my home during her first visit. In my idealistic mind, I wanted to create a safe place for the two to get to know one another.

She had given us an amazing gift, and I wanted to honor her choice. I also wanted to send a message to our son, G, that I was secure in my relationship with him.

Laura arrived on a Thursday evening, flying in from several states away, and we were all looking forward to G’s Friday night football game. The kids were in school all day, leaving Laura and me alone to talk.

As we sat at my kitchen island, she informed me she was unhappy about my marriage ending. She mentioned she chose us as adoptive parents because she wanted G to be raised with both parents.

Laura’s disappointment skyrocketed when I told her I was in a relationship with a woman.

I explained how difficult it was to come out after 50 years in the closet. I shared how supportive the kids were of my new relationship and that the kids’ dad and I worked to remain supportive of one another.

She rewarded my vulnerability with disapproval and disdain. I felt invalidated and judged and wondered if we’d make it through the weekend. For G’s sake, I hoped we would.

At the end of the weekend, Laura announced that she wanted to be involved in G’s life and especially wanted to see him playing football and meet his friends. She took my initial offer to stay in my home as carte blanche to visit whenever she wanted.

One visit turned into two, and two turned into every other weekend. The more time she spent at home with us, the bolder she got about questioning our parenting decisions.

I tried to remain supportive for G’s sake, but I began feeling like an outsider in my own home. I felt trapped between giving G what he desperately wanted and protecting our family.

Laura invited G to visit her for the holidays so he could meet his extended family, and we reluctantly agreed. She purchased his plane ticket, and off he went to meet his biological family.

When he returned home, he returned with a few thousand dollars’ worth of gifts. There were multiple pairs of designer jeans, a new MacBook, and the latest iPhone. A while later, Laura announced she was giving G a $45,000 car to drive.

When everything changed

G was enamored with the material windfall, as any 17-year-old would be. He was also desperate to connect to his origin. Like many adoptees, G felt the deep pain of abandonment and wanted to be accepted and loved by Laura.

In a matter of months, his abandonment was replaced with tangible proof that he was wanted. I noticed a chilling change in G as the months went on.

He began questioning what we’d told him about his adoption. He asked why we hadn’t allowed Laura to be a part of his life. He accused us of not sending her letters and pictures and didn’t believe me when I explained that we had.

Things soon began to spiral out of control, and my worst nightmare was happening in living color.

As G’s 18th birthday approached, Laura announced she was planning a lavish birthday party at a local venue. I had had enough.

I emailed her that her regular presence in our home had taken an emotional toll. I explained that we needed some separation between her relationship with G and ours. I welcomed her to visit whenever she wanted but told her she’d need to stay in a hotel rather than at my house.

Laura became irate and sent me several scathing emails and texts telling me I was selfish and hurting G. She also texted G, telling him his birthday party was canceled and that I was to blame.

He was angry and hurt and chose to believe her lies rather than me. I was devastated.

Shortly after G turned 18, he and Laura had dinner with my former husband. An argument occurred over Laura’s attempts to usurp our parenting decisions.

The next day, we were informed that G would be moving in with her and would finish his last few months of high school in a different state. Because he was eighteen, there was nothing we could legally do.

I had dinner with G shortly before he was scheduled to fly out and expressed my sadness. When I told him that he could choose to stay and that I wished he’d stay, he replied that it was something he felt he needed to do.

The despair I felt was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. Part of me understood his need to be fully connected to Laura, while the other part felt abandoned and discarded.

Our family was devastated

I was livid with Laura for stripping us of the joy of seeing G graduate with his friends. I never pictured the possibility of anything like this happening.

Our family was devastated, and we felt we’d been discarded. The manipulation, lies, and control that Laura used to drive a wedge between G and his adoptive family was stunning.

In addition to my heartbreak, I felt both guilty and confused. I questioned our decision to allow G to meet his biological mother before he turned eighteen, and I berated myself for allowing her to stay in our home.

I felt a palpable fear over how his life would be going forward. Would he be loved enough? Would she protect him? Would we ever see him again?

G’s new life wasn’t a bed of roses. As the responsibility of parenting a teenager set in, things began destabilizing. Arguments happened regularly, gifts were taken back, and money was used as a means of control.

Eventually, Laura did the unthinkable and told G she was “over being a mom” and demanded that he move out of her house.

G stayed in the area and remained in contact with his extended family in the state where he lived. Soon after he was forced to move out, he met with Laura’s mother and sister for lunch, where a shocking revelation came out.

Toward the end of the meal, Laura’s sister remarked that G looked just like his birth dad. Stunned, G began asking questions, and the answers revealed that Laura had lied. She and G’s birth father had dated intermittently after high school, and she had never told him about being pregnant.

Early in her pregnancy, she moved to a different state to live with her aunt and uncle until she gave birth, signed the relinquishment papers, and moved back to her hometown.

When G confronted Laura about his biological father, she said she lied to protect him from hearing that his birth dad wanted nothing to do with him. She attempted to convince him that she was trying to save him from feeling the pain of rejection.

After thinking about it, G decided to contact his birth dad. With his aunt’s help, he reached out and discovered that Laura’s deception went even deeper.

His birth dad said he’d been unaware of Laura’s pregnancy until he saw a picture of G on Laura’s sister’s Facebook page from their holiday gathering. He knew from their uncanny resemblance that he was the father.

He angrily confronted Laura, who admitted he was the father but told him that G didn’t want to meet him. Though disappointed, he agreed to stay away because Laura convinced him that’s what G wanted.

The emotional pain G felt was heartbreaking to witness. The day he called me, sobbing about Laura’s lies and betrayal, was almost more than I could bear.

Healing slowly and moving forward

In the ten years since all of this went down, I’ve had the opportunity to share a couple of meals with G and his birth dad that were healing and restorative.

G recently turned thirty and is beginning to thrive despite the significant hurdles strewn along the way. He has continued to forge a relationship with his birth father and prioritized reconnecting with us, his adoptive family.

Adoption is a nuanced and complicated process for everyone involved, even under the best circumstances. G and I have had deep conversations about the intersection of nature and nurture and that we each get to write our own stories.

Though it’s been many years since this occurred, I continue to reach for healing when painful memories surface. I know I can’t go back and rewrite history as much as I wish I could.

I’m grateful that G and I talk several times a month and that our relationship has been restored, though I’m sure there are hidden scars that remain tender for both of us.

©Kim Kelly Stamp, all rights reserved

Thank you for taking the time to read this deeply personal story. Feel free to drop me a comment with your thoughts.