Hilarious Truths No One Tells You About Having a Baby
What do you mean, you poo on the table!
Let’s talk about the miracle of childbirth. Spoiler alert: it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. It’s more like a wild rodeo ride where you’re pushing a bowling ball out of your nether regions. Brace yourselves, because it’s gonna hurt like a mother, the kid won’t let you catch a wink of sleep, and guess what? You’re going to be making a surprise appearance in your own personal episode of “Oops, I Pooped During Birth!” Welcome to the brutally honest review of the whole baby-making shebang.
Recently, I got a not-so-gentle reminder from a friend, who kicked me under the table, when I couldn’t help but snicker at a colleague who was eight months pregnant and dreaming of squeezing back into her old jeans. She had even packed them in her hospital bag. My friend informed me of the unwritten rules that dictate I must sugarcoat the whole birthing bloodbath. Apparently, no new mum wants to hear the raw truth.
But let’s be real here — unless you’ve been eating like a bird for nine months straight, you’re going to be rocking some post-birth bloat. Even if you’re one of the lucky few who didn’t pack on the kilos, your hips are going to stretch a few inches to make way for your bundle of joy. So, I’m sorry dear colleague, but those old jeans will have to wait their turn!
Here are some of the things no one told me when I first embarked on this wild journey of motherhood. These aren’t the delightful surprises you eagerly await with your partner, like a baby’s first smile or the inaugural bubble bath. No, these are the nitty-gritty details you need to brace yourself for, like the fact that your precious one’s first “gift” to the world is going to look like something out of a tar pit, and no matter how fancy those baby wipes are, that stuff will cling to everything like glue!
This got me thinking about all the “surprises” my friends and family kept under wraps that I really wished I knew. So, here it is, a top ten list of things every rookie parent should know.
1. Brace yourself — you will indeed have a rather unladylike moment during childbirth and poop right on the table. It’s like a rite of passage apparently, and the medical pros won’t bat an eye. They’ve got what I can only describe as puppy training pads on standby, and as one pops out, they wipe you down, wrap it up, and slide a fresh pad under you. Did you know your bowels can carry up to 9 kilos of payload? So, unless you’ve had an enema beforehand, it’s bound to happen!
2. There will be a rollercoaster of hormones for you to ride. I’m not one to weep at the drop of a hat, but suddenly, anything involving a kid being kidnapped, dying, or neglected on TV would turn on the waterworks. Don’t get me started on my husband’s failure to put the vacuum away — I couldn’t escape the shower or the flood of tears!
3. Those hormonal mood swings and random cry sessions? They don’t pack up and leave post-birth. If anything, they put on their best performance on day three, also known as the “3-day blues.” You’re stressed, clueless about baby care, can’t poop (probably from all that pooing during labor) and you’ve got more hormones, drugs, and sleep deprivation than a frat party.
4. Get ready to wear some permanent body alterations with pride. Stretch marks, droopier boobs, and, oh, let’s not forget those wider hips! Whether you’re in the “too posh to push” club or not, changes are coming — whether it’s a scar on the outside or a stretchier you-know-what.
5. Contractions are a whole different beast compared to period pain. Whoever tells you they are similar is just flat-out lying! At first, you might wonder if it’s just indigestion. But after ten hours of sucking on the gas so hard your teeth nearly crack the mouthpiece, if your period pain is at that level, hats off to you, sister!
6. Sorry, but nap time isn’t your free pass to relax and recharge. Sure, babies sleep, but it’s more like power naps. They also cry, eat, and poop — a lot. So, there’s always something that needs doing.
7. Breastfeeding is not always a walk in the park. We’re led to believe it’s the most natural thing in the world, but when it’s not, you feel like you’re failing. My little one had a tongue tie and couldn’t latch properly. After consulting a lactation expert (yep, that’s a real job) and months of screaming, I switched to bottle-feeding. And that’s perfectly okay!
8. Get ready for the impromptu milk fountain show. Your boobs will leak and spray milk like a water cannon, about half a meter’s worth. It’s called the letdown reflex, and every crying baby in the vicinity will turn you into a human sprinkler system! You know the feeling when your stomach drops after a ride, it feels like that but in your boobs.
9. Assisted births might give you a little visitor from the sci-fi flick “Cone Heads.” A Vaucluse-assisted birth will give your baby a cone head that sticks around for a few days — don’t say I didn’t warn you!
10. Last but not least, and this one’s no secret — you’re going to fall head over heels in love with your little munchkin. You’d do anything to keep them safe, even if it means stepping over your current number one in a heartbeat.
Consider this your crash course in baby-making reality, my unsuspecting comrades! It’s going to be a wild ride!
If you liked this I have some more stories on parenting to tickle your fancy:
By day, I am a Corporate Executive and Board Director with a passion for CX, EX, and AI. In my other life, I love to explore my writing passion on midlife trials and tribulations, parental journeys, and sharing my general musings on life.
