Cycling. Highway Snobbery

One of the latest newses is that People using self-driving cars will be allowed to watch television on built-in screens under proposed updates to the Highway Code.

You’d think mandem, womandem and demdem being allowed to watch telly shows like Antiques Road Trip (pun intended) would illicit (not a real word) some kind of, oh, I dunno, hysterical public debate like what we saw last time there were changes to the Highway Code wouldn’t you? However, apparently not.

Cue excuse to reissue a piece originally written February 22nd….

On Saturday the government introduced changes to the Highway Code, whatever that is. Last week I worked for the government and moonlighted in a call centre. Who hasn’t worked for the government? Hands down please. Anyways, as you know I ain’t a people person. Warehouse work is my level as you can see from the transcript below.

Me: Ay up. Government helpline, for those that are confused by changes to the Highway Code. How can I help?

Caller: Is that the Government helpline for those that are confused by changes to the Highway Code?

Me: Yes it is. How can I help?

Caller: Are cyclists allowed on pavements?

Me: Yes….

Caller: That’s disgustin’!

Me: ….As long as they’re not cyclin’ on it.

Caller: So, why are cyclists cyclin’ on pavements?

Me: I don’t know. Why are cyclists cyclin’ on pavements?

Caller: I don’t know!

Me: Well neither do I.

Caller: So what’s the Highway Code for?!?

Me: Its objective is to promote road safety. The Highway Code applies to all road users including pedestrians, horse riders and cyclists, as well as motorcyclists and drivers. It gives information on road signs, road markings, vehicle markings, and road safety.

Caller: So, why are cyclists cyclin’ on pavements?

Me: I don’t know. Why are cyclists cyclin’ on pavements?

Caller: What you askin’ me for?

Me: Well what you askin’ me for? I don’t know. Have you asked ‘em?

Caller: Have I….? This is ridiculous!

[call ends]

Me: ….Rude….

Me: Ay up. Government helpline, for those that are confused by changes to the Highway Code. How can I help?

Caller: I’m ringing about cyclists.

Me: How can I help you sir?

Caller: Sir?!?

Me: Er, Madam?

Caller: Madam?!?

Me: Er….Sad dam? So! How can I help you?

Caller: ….About the new Highway Code. No one, absolutely no one, likes these changes. The only people who like these changes are cyclists. No one else.

Me: The RAC and the AA welcomed the changes.

Caller: ….Really?

Me: Yep.

Caller: ….What do they know? They’re part of the elite.

[call ends]

Me: “Part of the elite.” Idiot.

Caller: Hello! Can you hear me?

Me: Oh. Sozz. Government helpline, for those that are confused by changes to the Highway Code. How can I help?

Caller: I need to inform you that I am recording this conversation.

Me: Dwanna medal?

Caller: What did you just say?

Me: Dwanna medal.

Caller: There’s no point in denying what you just said. We’re being recorded.

Me: I’m not denying oat. I tode you what I said.

Caller: Do you honestly think you can dispute recorded evidence?

Me: I’m not disputing oat. I tode you what I said.

Caller: I’ve got a good mind to complain to your superior!

Me: ….Just putting you through.

[call ends]

Me: I may be an idiot but at least I ain’t daft. Wasting my time….

Caller: Hello. I’m ringing about the Highway Code.

Me: Sozz. Government helpline, for those that are confused by changes to the Highway Code. How can I help?

Caller: Obviously all the government cares about is the cyclists.

Me: And Pedestrians, and Cyclists, and Horse Riders, and Motorcyclists, and Cars/Taxis and Vans/Minibuses.

Caller: Y’wot?

Me: The new hierarchy….

Caller: The higher whatey?!?

Me: The new hierarchy of road users. The government introduced a hierarchy. Basically they’ve made a list of road users and at the top of the list are the road users most at risk in the event of a collision. So in order the hierarchy is; Pedestrians, Cyclists, Horse Riders, Motorcyclists….

Caller: Cyclists.

Me: ….Motorcyclists, Cars/Taxis and Vans/Minibuses. However the list does not remove the need for everyone to behave responsibly.

Caller: Anyway. All the government cares about is the cyclists.

Me: Well maybe not. They’ve not made cycle helmets compulsory.

Caller: ….

Me: Hello. Are you still there?

Caller: See. All they care about is cyclists. They don’t wanna upset them innit.

[call ends]

Me: What a shame. They’ve gone.

Me: Ay up. Government helpline, for those that are confused by changes to the Highway Code. How can I help?

Caller: ….So she sez “if you don’t want me to be unfaithful then don’t have a better looking twin brother….”

Me: Ay up! Government helpline, for those that are confused by changes to the Highway Code!

Caller: Oh. Y’there. About the Highway Code. I were nearly knocked over by one of them Uberoo riders the other day. With these new changes bad cyclists will be emboldened.

Me: What? So cyclists who ride on pavements will ride on pavements morerer? Even tho’ there’s new guidelines designed to make cyclists safer on the roads.

Caller: Exactly. The new Highway Code was written by a closed group of cycling and pedestrian organisations.

Me: Who sez?

Caller: Twitter.

Me: …Er….I’m goin’ through a tunnel….You’re breakin’ up….

[call ends]

Caller: Hello? The new Highway Code?

Me: Yes. Government helpline, for those that are confused by changes to the Highway Code. How can I help?

Caller: Don’t you think it’s funny that on the news you always see vids of cyclists being ‘hit’ by cars, but you never see vids of pedestrians being hit by cyclists?

Me: Did you just gesture quotation marks around the word ‘hit’ when you said “vids of cyclists being hit by cars”?

Caller: Yes. Why?

Me: Just curious. You were saying.

Caller: I just think it’s suspicious. Anyway. I welcome the new changes. I don’t like them, but I approve of them. You know why?

Me: Well to be fair I’d prefer it if you kept your questions about the Highway Code itself rather than ask me questions about…. Ne’ermind. Why?

Caller: Cos that’s what Brexit were all about. Taking back control.

Me: The Highway Code’s got noat to do with the EU.

Caller: Yeah. Cos we voted Brexit.

Me: No. The Highway Code were introduced long before we joined the EU.

Caller: ….You one of them Remoaners?

Me: No. Are you?

Caller: How dare you! How dare you! I demand to speak to your supervisor!

Me: Certainly.

[Call ends]