Hidden Love: The Risk of a Polyamorous Relationship with a Colleague
Public and private courage are different in both their source and their power
It was never really supposed to be this way. We were just friends…really, really good friends. An array of shared interests led to interesting conversations after our afternoon work project meetings. Sitting in his office as darkness fell evening after evening completely unaware of the hours that passed between us, a connection was formed.
The deepening conversations built a solid foundation of trust that opened the door to reveal that we each held a secret. Our decades-long marriages were both open and polyamory was a part of each of our choices in how to love and build connections. This was a welcome surprise for both of us. The pathway to that conversation was an interesting journey that lasted many months completely in the context of our work life. No one around us suspected the growing intimacy between us.
Our decades-long marriages were both open and polyamory was a part of each of our choices in how to love and build connections. This was a welcome surprise for both of us.
After a few weeks and after some consideration, we decided to explore the chemistry that was building between us further. What many people miss about a polyamorous relationship is that parameters and boundaries can be established by the involved parties in whatever form that honors the connection as long as it does not cross boundaries in other existing relationships. At this point in our relationship, I was willing to consider just a physical connection. What can I say? The chemistry between us was running inferno hot, but he was not willing to lessen our deepening connection into a purely sexual relationship. He wanted more and he knew when I was honest with myself, I did, too, but I was afraid to ask for what I really wanted. We decided to take it slow and see what we became.
Little did we know when we started exploring who we are together that the entire world would be turned upside down by a global pandemic. Our office shut down and sent us home to work. For us, this meant the end of our natural daily connection that had allowed us a few stolen moments together each day. It also meant we had to figure out how to connect and balance our newly increased workload, our spouses and home life, and our own internalized fears while trying to decide if we were actually going to pursue a relationship with one another. To make matters even more complicated, I live almost a hundred miles away.
The early days were rough. My anxiety was ramped up around the health implications of this disease and my insecurities were ruling my heart about this newfound connection. We had to figure out how to connect. Neither of us likes technology, and our work keeps us in the land of tele-meetings all day. The end of most workdays days brought freedom from those devices and modalities, so fatigue and exhaustion often overruled our desire to catch up. Our weekends were filled with family time in our homes so time became our formidable foe.
Our office shut down and sent us home to work. For us, this meant the end of our natural daily connection that had allowed us a few stolen moments together each day.
Slowly, we began to find our pacing and were able to figure out ways to talk frequently. It didn’t take long before those conversations returned toward those deep shared spaces that bound our hearts together. When we were finally able to be together face-to-face, the depth of our connection and desire for one another and what we were building together was undeniable.
As the safety of traveling became clearer, we began to plan dates around the times I needed to be in town to work every other week or so. When we were apart, our afternoon conversation became a daily occurrence and we both found comfort in the building intimacy of our relationship. Much of our face-to-face time was filled with playful sexual exploration in the privacy of a hotel that built on our emotional and what was beginning to feel like a spiritual connection. There was something we could have in those shared moments that the phone conversations, no matter how steamy they may have become, could never come close to matching.
Everything was going along just fine until recently. A huge challenge has begun to emerge. The world is beginning to open back up and the opportunity to get out and be in public spaces is returning. Our frequent meetings have been completely clandestine. That hasn’t really mattered, because there was not really anywhere to go with everything locked down. But now, the world is returning.
We are returning to restaurants, theaters, and even the office. Our office…we left as friends considering our options and now we are lovers. What could possibly go wrong there? Will others be able to see our connection when we are in a meeting together? Will the chemistry between us be palpable?
You see, we are both public figures in our company….recognizable public figures with leadership roles on a national stage. We have both been in the industry a long time and our spouses are well known to many people. And we are both publicly closeted about our open marriages and polyamorous choices in life. Our company is quite conservative so keeping our choices about how we love safely tucked out of view is important. Our company, our clients, and most of our colleagues are just not ready to accept that love has many forms.
Our deepening connection would definitely cause at least a few raised eyebrows and prove valuable fodder for the ever-present rumor mill at even a virtual watercooler. What if we ran into a co-worker when we were grabbing dinner? What if our boss spotted us sitting in a local park? What if the freedom we enjoy in how we connect slips through in an unintended moment? The concern about the implications of being discovered is beginning to take its toll.
Public and private courage are different in both their source and their power.
We have to decide on this single life-changing thing. Are we going to do this or not? The increasing closeness and deeper connections cause our hearts to beg us to go all in. These weighty considerations are all valid. There are careers, families, public personas, and integrity issues all hanging in the balance if we continue with this. Asking these questions literally makes my stomach tie in knots and brings every insecurity and fear rushing to the surface of my soul. These are thoughts that make me want to run and hide because the answers hold power. What if I love him too much? What if it is more than he can give?
Hiding from hard things is not something that I can do anymore. I would rather be honest and forthright in all of my dealings with this incredible man and the connection we share. That sounds awfully brave for someone safely in her closet, doesn't it? Public and private courage are different in both their source and their power. Maybe one day the world will be more willing to accept that love is love.
What could moving forward look like for us? It is easy to make a long list of things that we will not be able to easily experience together — a deep conversation over a dinner out, a stolen kiss on a walk in the park — things that are often seen as a part of sharing life together. Focusing on what cannot be shared and the frustration it brings is not helpful. It will be easier to find happiness if we see this as an opportunity for creativity.
We have a chance to be intentional in crafting experiences that bring joy and deepen the connection for both of us. This is just one more chance for us to learn to communicate about what we each need and want. There will no doubt be times that we will wish for the “easy button” that eludes us.
Sometimes it seems that choosing to love this way adds endless complexity to life. My hope is that we will learn to love each other well and find ways to deepen our connections that are not overly cumbersome or taxing to already limited resources of time and energy. Should we find that it is simply too hard, we each have the freedom to make other choices in the future.
I hate that we live in a world that adds complications to something that is should be so simple. Why can’t we just let people love as they choose? To be constrained by the view of others rips at my heart. Who I choose to love should not be a concern to anyone else outside of my partners.
Isn’t there enough hate and brokenness in this world to make the fact that love exists between people enough? Yet to go outside the accepted guidelines has consequences not just in our personal space — but for others we love and hold dear. Now we just have to decide if we are going to continue what we have found together or surrender to the madness.
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