Hi. You’ve Reached Chuck Roast’s Article. Thanks for Commenting, But I’m Afraid I Cannot Acknowledge You Right Now. I’m Exhausted From Working During the Pandemic

But please keep commenting because it really is keeping me going right now.

I know this pandemic thing is serious.

But let’s talk about something much more exciting. Yep, my life.

So, I work somewhere. They call me an “essential employee.” I work for a big corporation.

Ever work for one of those? Yeah, me neither, before now. I am working on the set-up of employee and visitor temperature checking for next week, when we start to phase the employees back into the workplace.

My assistant, a male, volunteered to test the thermometers. I told him that would be fine and to be prepared Monday because all we could find were anal thermometers. Then I said to my boss, after we take his temperature anally, we need to check to see if they work orally, too. I asked my boss if he would like to volunteer.

I thought it was funny. He didn’t. I have no filters.

Who knew joking about someone’s butt hole having a fever could get you in trouble? I’m pretty sure no one except HR did. And my overly-sensitive boss.

I didn’t know they had online classes to teach sensitivity in the workplace. But, hey, at least I got to sit down for a while. . .and I didn’t get fired.

Later, my boss’s secretary told me she thought it was funny. I said why didn’t you laugh. She said she didn’t want to take the online sensitivity course. Well, I guess SHE knew about it.

I asked her if there was anything else I should know? She said she didn’t know what I knew and didn’t know, so she didn’t know if there was anything else I needed to know. But when I screw up again, she’ll let me know, because they have a lot more online classes. But she waited until the boss had left. Thanks. I got yer back, too!

It’s those kinds of incidents that, if you have read my stories, you know probably happen often to me.

I once signed one of my emails, “Supreme Commander of the Universe.” I accidentally group emailed it to the whole company. Did you know large corporations have online courses that teach the correct way to use email? I didn’t. Until that incident.

Once, before I became the supervisor, I told the guy I replaced that I received a strange email. I showed it to him without opening it. Did you know that IT departments send out fake suspicious emails and, if you open it, you have to take an online course on recognizing suspicious emails?

This one I knew, which is why I reported it to my supervisor. He literally said, “Ah-ha! Caught you! Now you have to take the online course.” When I told him I hadn’t opened it, he told me that was only part of the test. Apparently, I was supposed to forward the email to the “Suspicious Email Department” of the IT Department.

I said, “Oh! Like the Department of Redundancy Department?” With a befuddled look on his face, he said, “No. The IT Department.” Which explains why he was replaced with me. . .after I took the online suspicious email course. Fortunately, most of my online courses have occurred AFTER I was promoted. For some reason, I still work there.

So, back to me. I REALLY appreciate the comments and claps on all my stories. I try to acknowledge them all.

But I want to apologize for not responding or acknowledging most of them. Lately, I’m just too freakin’ tired when I get home.

Honestly, I think I am also a little depressed because, well, I’d kinda like a little isolation right about now. No offense to my family, or to work.

I’m not trying to be ungrateful, or disrespectful of all the people who would rather be working and socializing.

But, seriously. As soon as I walk in the door, I am bombarded with my wife yelling at me about my son not doing his chores, then my son yells he didn’t want to do his chores, then my wife is yelling at me to tell him to do his chores, back to my son yelling at me how he can’t wait to go back to school. . .wait, what? MY son wants to go back to school? This IS serious!

So I run upstairs to my Fortress of Solitude, aka the bathroom. Then all of a sudden people are yelling throughout the house, “Where’s Dad? The toilet’s running again.”

“Well, go catch it. I’m busy!” I yell. And giggle.

They don’t get it or don’t hear me, so now I’m yelling and trying to explain the joke to people downstairs while I sit in the bathroom upstairs with the door closed and the computer on my lap.

“What? No, I just flushed it and the water keeps running. . .oh, wait. Never mind! It stopped,” One of them yells upstairs.

I yell back, “Why do I still have to explain to you guys how a toilet refills after you flush it?”

I hear the neighbor yell from next door, “Shut up! I’m trying to eat dinner over hear! I’m sick of hearing about your toilets! And don’t forget to spray!” Great. I didn’t know the window was open.

I yell back, “Oh, yeah, Bob? Why don’t you eat THIS for dinner!” I know. It was the best I could come up with.

Then I hear from downstairs, “What, Dad? We already ate dinner!”

Me: “No, no! I was yelling at Bob. He said. . .never mind!”

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Isolation. Well, fugedaboudit. I have to get ready for bed.

I have an early online class tomorrow. Apparently I accidentally signed up for some Medium writer’s free 5 day course on “How to Become THE Top Writer on Medium and Make 6 Figures a Month Writing About How to Write Better So You Get Curated and Become a Top Writer with a Million Subscribers on Your Email List” while I was yelling at Bob from the toilet.

Now I just have to buy his $250.00 book for the course and I’ll be set!

Chuck Roast is a humorist (“humourist” for those of you who like the “incorrect” spelling)for the publication Illumination, a Top Writer in Satire and Humor, owner/editor/writer of his own Publication, Dad-Bods, which is currently sitting idle while he develops his social media skills and gains more exposure through manipulation of said social media. He is branching out to try and take Top Writer awards in other topics from other writers.

Here are the links to his accounts, LinkedIn, Twitter. Comments are always appreciated. Thanks for reading. Write On!