Hey Naked People, Clean Your Rooms!

No one needs to see your dirty socks

I love nudes. I love tit pics, ass pics, and dick pics. I love legit amateur porn.

But I keep coming across some that have questionable backgrounds.

Clothes on the floor or strewn on the bed.

Empty cans of energy drinks on the dresser.

General clutter everywhere.

I don’t know exactly why it bothers me. Maybe it’s because I’m a mom who can’t get her kids to keep things tidy. Maybe it’s because I was raised by a hoarder and these photos remind me too much of my dad.

But whatever the reason, I can’t get interested in nudes taken in a messy room.

Marie Kondo, Who!?

Presumably the reason people take and send nude photos of themselves is because they want to feel good about the way they look. So, why not make sure the background looks good, too?

Is it because they’re so worried about making sure their junk looks good that they completely forget that there will be other things in the photo, too?

Are they just kind of used to the mess around them, so they don’t realize that it’s a bit jarring to see?

Do they think it gives the whole thing an authentic feel? (Pro tip: there are a lot of ways to make a photo look authentic without leaving a dirty plate and fork on the edge of your bed.)

It’s a real shame, too, because it wouldn’t take much to improve on these. The bodies in the shots usually still look good. If they just spent a couple of minutes sprucing up before pulling out the phone or the camera, the photo would be so much more appealing.

It’s especially baffling when I come across it in amateur porn videos. It seems strange to me that someone would go through the trouble of getting everything set up and ready so they can film an 8 to 22 minute video of themselves getting nasty but somehow not bother to pick up the dirty pair of socks strewn on the floor.

I know these aren’t magazine photo shoots and big budget porn productions. But that doesn’t mean they have to look like they were conceived and shot with no planning and preparation. It’s so much sexier when it looks like a little more effort went into it than just stripping off clothes and pressing the shutter.

Dirty Photos in Filthy Mirrors

Then there’s the bathroom selfie. That one tends to do a bit better, but I keep running into a similar problem.

Sometimes the counter is a bit cluttered, but usually it’s not too bad.

The most common problem is a dirty mirror.

Again, if you think you look cute today and you want to share it with the world, it makes sense to at least wipe the toothpaste flecks from the mirror before posing and flexing.

I’m not that much of a neat freak, really. I just like being able to focus on the nice butt clad in cute panties or the hard-on gripped with a firm hand without having to be distracted by a mirror that looks more like the window of a subway car.

But that’s not my biggest pet peeve about sexy bathroom selfies.

This is something that you’ll probably know about if you spend time trolling for dick pics on Reddit or similar sites.

I don’t mean the quality stuff you’ll find on /r/beardsandboners. I mean the pages that are a bit more of a grab bag in terms of content and quality.

And one of the things in that grab bag is guys sitting on the toilet.

On one level, I get it. You can get some great dick shots while leaning back in a chair.

But that chair shouldn’t be made of porcelain.

It has all sorts of associations I really don’t want to think about when I’m trying to drool over some man bod.

Netflix and Chill

Okay, one last thing.

I don’t mind a TV in the background. But I do find it kind of weird when it’s on.

Was your Stranger Things marathon so boring that you decided to flash your tits during the mid-season sag?

The TV playing in the background always kills the vibe for me. My fantasy isn’t to have a naked hottie only half-paying attention to me.

I’m going to say, though, that I found exactly one exception to this. It was an amateur porn film. And throughout the blowjob and sex scenes, there was an episode of The Office playing on a TV in the background.

I could get down with that.

But maybe it’s just because of all my fantasies involving Jim and Pam. And Ryan. And Michael. And Erin. And Kelly.

And Charles Miner. Oh my God, Charles Miner…

Whip It Out and Make It Nice

I know I might sound a little fussy, but I’m not looking for anything complicated. Just a little forethought and planning.

Effort is sexy. So show me some effort along with all that skin.

I’ve taken a few nudes, and quite a few of my husband. I didn’t stage an elaborate production. I just made sure to have a nice angle, cleared out the background of anything distracting, and took some half-decent photos.

From there, I did a bit of editing and they were ready to be shared.

I’m not talking about some crazy photoshopping to make us look like we’re thinner and to airbrush out all the imperfections. I just mean using a basic photo editing app to make the image look nicer.

I use Lightroom CC but there are plenty of decent free options (check out Pixlr if you don’t know where to start). You can brighten the image, add some contrast, or play with the coloring to counteract the orange tint you get from not having studio quality lighting.

If all else fails, go monochrome. Turn your nude or dick pic black and white and bump up the contrast to make it look artsy.

If you just can’t get a decent background in the shot (I know not everyone has the space to live clutter-free), try vignetting to help the background recede away. But be careful not to overdo it. You don’t want to turn your hot shot into a cheesy 90s looking dick pic.

And of course, you can always crop liberally if you have to. Better to chop the clutter out than let it distract from the main attraction.

I’m all for nudes. I think more people should be taking them, sharing them, and posting them. I want to celebrate them. All I’m asking for is a little effort to make them more aesthetically pleasing.

Maybe I’ll have to start my own subreddit. I wonder if /r/clutterfreenudes is taken yet.

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