Hey, Josh, Step Away from That Saw!
7 Unremarkable but Effective Ways to Avoid Accidents & Injury (Inspired by a Silly Email)
Latest entry under “You can’t make this $hit up!”
I receive dozens of email daily from publicists daily, alerting me to some “story” I should cover. Most I delete without reading. But this recent come-on compelled me to click and read further.
Joshua and Angela revealed as the clumsiest names in America
“Callum,” from Radioactive PR, writes:
Hi Melinda,
A leading personal injury law firm has revealed the names of the clumsiest people in the country, after interrogating its internal personal injury claims data.
The research revealed that Joshua and Angela are the most accident-prone people in America, while men were also revealed to be a third (28%) clumsier than women, based on filed personal injury claims.
The research also found that the average settlement amount for personal injury claims in the United States is $100,000.
I’ve pasted a copy of the release below — does it sound of interest?
I bit; I know an Angela.
Angela, tread lightly this year. According to KGEL Accident Attorneys — the self-described “top California personal injury law firm” that mined its own “internal personal injury claims data” to unearth such gems — your name is #1 on a list of women likely to need a liability lawyer.
The press release also hits uncomfortably close to home.
‘Clumsy’ is a word many people use to describe themselves, especially if they’re somewhat accident-prone and have a habit of tripping over, knocking into things, or dropping stuff. However, while this is a word America uses a lot, we decided to dig a little deeper into why certain people are clumsier than others, and if their name has anything to do with it…
As someone prone to the occasional “Oh-Melin!” — a term those who know me use for any mishap — my interest is piqued. As much as I hate saying the word, clumsiness plays a role in my life. Is there more I need to know?
Whew! My name isn’t on the list.
I hated my name growing up. I wanted to be a Barbara or Jane or a Susan. But I’m happy to have an infrequently-recurring first name.
But the rest of you, watch out…
If your name is Angela, Karen, Daisy, Louisa, Helen, Tricia, Emma, Katie, Olivia, or Sophie, you’d be wise to pick up a helmet and a pair of knee pads next time you’re near an athletic store. Scant consolation, perhaps, but you’re probably safer at home.
If your name is Joshua, Christopher, Noah, Brian, Eric, Calvin, David, Brandon, William/Bill, or Tim, better prepare for the worst, especially when you wield a knife or operate heavy machinery.
And just to be on the safe side, guys, lay in a hefty supply of bandages, tourniquets, and antibiotics. Also know in advance how to get to the closest emergency room.
….men are a third (28%) more likely to cause accidental injury to themselves than women, however looking at claims involving slips and falls in the workplace, women were involved in a fifth (18%) more cases.
And imagine this…
If clumsy Angela and Joshua marry and name their kids Karen and Christopher, you’ll have an entire family of accidents waiting to happen. Don’t spend your money on a prenup, Ang and Josh. Instead, think about putting KGEL on retainer!
Kidding aside…now what?
Admittedly, a report on the Clumsiest People in America sounds like a Saturday Night Live skit. We met the Louds and the Coneheads back in the 70s. Isn’t this a perfect time for…the Klutzes?
Stuck at home during the pandemic, the Klutzes are forever colliding…Utensils are never held tightly enough. Stairs are too steep; floors too slippery. Cabinets groan, threatening to expel their contents. Their doors are often left perilously open. An ominous deep-toned voice intones in the background, “I see danger everywhere.”
But hey! I’m a journalist and author. I now write for Medium which honors the Spaghetti School of Publishing. Throw every idea against the wall and see what sticks. I take all possible stories seriously.
And face it: these are frantic, unfocused times, a blessing and a curse if you’re curious and also willing to learn. Look at this! No, look over there! No, here!
So much begs for my attention. But this?
Even the attorneys “interrogating” the “data” don’t take themselves seriously. They just want new clients.
While we know that personal injuries are no laughing matter, we hope this more lighthearted approach will help to shine a light on how common personal injury claims can be, and will perhaps encourage people to get in touch if they feel they’re owed compensation for an accident that wasn’t their fault.
Unfortunately, by the time I read this last paragraph, my gerbil brain is churning, and I’m already half-way down the rabbit hole.
In search of answers…
I wonder, initially, if I should call people I know who are listed: my niece Karen, my old friend Helen, the cousin who named his daughter Sophie, or my friend David in Florida?
Should I send a private message to Medium author Helen Cassidy Page or Tim Denning, writers I know who are among the unfortunately named?
Should I warn these people? Paul Revere had his horse, I have email.
The accidents are coming, the accidents are coming!
As I’m deciding whether to delete the email or keep going, the phone rings. It’s Angela — no kidding. I told you you can’t make this $hit up!
“You must be a witch,” I say, “I’m writing a piece about you...” I stop and correct, “…about your name.”
“My name is actually Angelamaria,” she offers in a British-tinged Italian accent, melodically melding her first and middle names, sliding them together as one.
“Angel of Mary, that’s me. I always felt I had to be good, very, very good.”
Growing up with such a name in a Catholic country must have weighed heavily on young child. On the other hand, being on her best behavior might have saved this Angela from becoming accident prone.
Is there a clutz gene?
Curious now about my own proclivities, I send an email to my siblings, daughter, son, nieces, nephews, and cousins on my father’s side of the family (edited her for brevity, clarity, and privacy):
I was thinking about the genes we inherited. Is one of them related to clumsiness? Clutziness?
On a 0-to-10 scale of gracefulness, with clumsiness indicated by lower numbers, I’d probably not get past 5 or 6.
What do you think about all this? What about you? Where are you on the scale? Your kids? A clutz gene anywhere?
From a cousin:
I’m maybe a five, same with my kids.
From a niece:
This is funny! I was talking to someone about my clutziness the other day. I’m not clutzy in the sense that I fall and get hurt. I trip on my own feet A LOT. I bump into things and I am not coordinated. I drop things all the time. If a I can’t dance and could never do aerobics. So I give myself a 5. Julia is a bit clutzy too!
At this writing, only two others weighed in. Could it be that they don’t take me seriously?
A nephew insists he doesn’t have the clumsy gene. My brother, who learned how to toss a gun in the air at military school and has great posture, but never impressed me as particularly graceful, gives himself a 7.
As any researcher knows, self-reports are rarely reliable. I continue to suspect that something runs through our family.
A 2016 Science article sheds light on what that something could be — and why I so often ended up in a different room as a kid after being blindfolded, spun around, and told to “pin the tail.” I had no clue where my feet were taking me.
A study conducted by pediatric neurologist Carsten Bönnemann at the National Institutes of Health uncovered evidence of a genetic mutation of the PIEZO2 gene that affects “proprioception” — the body’s awareness of where it is in space.
Admittedly, research based on a “sample” of two people, both with skeletal deformities, has obvious limitations. Still, the researchers were “confident” that their discovery sheds lights on the rest of us:
…different variations of the PIEZO2 gene might contribute to whether a person is klutzy, coordinated, or something in between. “Could a finely tuned PIEZO2 gene contribute to superior athletic performance, or a poorly tuned one to clumsiness?” Bönnemann says. “I think it’s not impossible.”
Hope for the Heavy-Footed
Of course, it’s more complicated. Genes —though more powerful than a surname — are not destiny. Even patients severely affected by a mutant PIEZO2 gene can function well as long…as they keep their eyes are open.
We’re are evolving beings. No two days are exactly alike. Your body and brain serve up a complex array of functions that affect whether you will trip over your own feet: eyesight, balance, coordination, movement, to name a few.
It also depends on that day, your surroundings, your past experience — and, at least in my case, the weather. Rain and snow and frigid cold render me stiff and scared of falling.
Clearly, some traits and abilities can be improved. It’s well-accepted, for example, that a good athlete can be “made” through coaching and countless hours of practice and effort. Why shouldn’t a clumsy person have hope?
“Just Clumsy, or Something Serious?” on WedMD notes that the a lack of coordination also can be the result of certain conditions, such as poor vision, stroke or head injury (especially to the cerebellum), arthritis, muscle weakness, infection or illness. Cure or treat these issues, and your clutziness might dissipate or disappear altogether.
Six (unnumbered and pithy) takeaways
Indeed, there’s hope for all of us — Angela and Josh, Helen and Tim, even members of the Clutz family — and others who might be among the proprioceptively-challenged…
You can try harder to be careful! Admittedly, this is plain common sense. But we like things spelled out, don’t we?
- Walk with your eyes open. Watch where you’re going. If you can’t see well, get glasses.
- Get enough sleep. Sleep deprivation is serious and on the rise. It affects thinking, reaction time, energy levels, decision-making. If you’re tired, don’t drive, operate dangerous equipment, or do anything else that’s potentially dangerous.
- Reduce your stress levels. Do what you do, however you relax. For my daughter, joy is a vigorous workout in the driveway, for me a walk — or to be completely honest — playing Words With Friends.
- Condition your body. Walk it, exercise it, make it strong, limber, and less likely to fail you. If your muscles are still weak, see a physical therapist to help strengthen them. Thanks to walking, I haven’t “turned” an ankle in ages. (Oops! I should never have said that outloud!)
- Know your own pitfalls. Originally used to describe, “a concealed hole into which a person or animal may fall unawares,” it now means as “any hidden danger or concealed source of disaster.” My pitfalls range from uneven ground, like cobblestone, to cross-country skis.
- Enjoy judiciously. Cut out that extra glass of wine and other substances if they affect your balance. If not, go for it.
- Give yourself a break. If you notice yourself dropping, burning, and losing things, don’t call yourself a clutz. Negative self talk leads to accidents. Instead, pay attention. Each mishap is your Inner Sage telling you to slow down.
Of course, nothing is foolproof. $hit happens. Messes, missteps, mistakes, and mayhem. If you live in L. A., call KGEL Accident Attorneys.
Full disclosure:
I am not getting a referral fee from KGEL Accident Attorneys, only from Medium, if you use this link:
