Hey Dad, Your “Golden Rule” is Toxic at Best
Not sorry it’s getting tossed on the mental bonfire
My dad taught me many things when I was a young: how to recognize a band by their sound, how to play freeze-tag, how to walk on someone’s back, among many, many other things.
As a child, one is constantly learning because everything is new. It forms the foundation of who we become. Once we’re adults many of us never look back — or only do so in a nostalgic, non-critical way. I understand the impulse. It’s how I looked at certain aspects of my early years for a very long time.
As we age, humans continue to change. For some, we grow and learn. Others stagnate, trying to hold on to the past. Some rot, holding onto their own toxic tendencies until it begins to corrode them. I think that most of us do all three at one point or another. The trick is doing your best to avoid stagnating and rotting — stay in the growth lane as much as possible.
I spent a portion of my time after my divorce in the stagnation and rot lanes. Probably not unusual post-divorce but my ex was also an abusive narcissist who decided to take the low road on this particular journey, so I was effectively cut off from the growth lane for a bit there. I’ll be honest, I didn’t immediately notice when it became available again. Stagnation and rot had become familiar, and humans are made to autopilot — we’re slaves to our own patterns.
Once I committed to breaking my bad habits and nurturing myself again, I found I was looking at a multitude of things with a fresh perspective. I’ve been rooting out the rot, excising it and throwing it in my mental incinerator. But if I follow the rot to its source, I often find myself wandering around my childhood, observing with fresh eyes the environment I steeped in and the adults around me that no longer have that sheen of omnipotence my child-mind had superimposed.
One of the latest lessons to be uprooted in this process is one that my father taught me — the Golden Rule. There is a lot of rot around it which, I suspect, is going to lead to other lessons that need to meet the flames.
If you’ve never encountered the Golden Rule, consider yourself lucky — it’s malice masquerading as goodness.
‘Treat others how you wish to be treated.’
My dad’s paraphrased version of the golden rule. I had no idea then that he was parroting religious dogma from his own upbringing. It’s a modern phrasing of the biblical quote:
“In everything, do unto others what you would have them do unto you.”
From the Book of Matthew.
As a kid, I thought this was an awesome rule. It was sold to me as the key to kindness. I’m a natural empath so it’s not entirely unselfish of me to ensure that others are having a positive experience around me.
Except it never really worked.
It can’t work because humans are diverse. Treating someone how you want to be treated is disrespectful at best. You’re not allowing them to be an individual, apart from you with their own unique needs.
The ‘Golden Rule’ is going to the flames because it’s a pillar of oppression. When you’re told to ‘treat others how you want to be treated’, there’s a prescribed idea of what that looks like. It’s heteronormative, Christian propaganda.
It’s designed to invalidate those whose experience is different.
Here’s an innocuous example of how the golden rule goes wrong:
Back before the pandemic, when we all used to work in office buildings, I had this co-worker (we’ll call her Kiera) who was arguably as extroverted as they come. She was loud, she liked sports, gaming, and talking to anyone and anything. She also really loved physical affection. In the office setting, that meant she hugged absolutely everyone.
I, in contrast, am more reserved. I only hug my close friends. Hell, there are some family members I don’t hug. Which makes perfect sense considering the abuse my family is so good at both distributing and denying.
Kiera and I were in the same training class. We were paired by our trainer to partner on the team projects.
She hugged me several times a day which I found very triggering. I wouldn’t reciprocate. I would fold in on myself and stop speaking. Did she notice? I honestly can’t say as I never asked. She didn’t stop though.
She did ask me before the first time she hugged me whether she could perform that particular action. My response, “I would prefer if you didn’t. I don’t really like that.” She said “oh” with a crestfallen look and pouted for about five minutes. When she realized I wasn’t going to change my answer she decided the golden rule gave her permission.
The next day when she entered the training room I was already there and she hugged me from behind, with no warning. I reminded her that I didn’t like that, and I’d asked her not to do it. I got another crestfallen “oh” and another hug later that same day.
I went to our trainer who interrogated me about why it was a problem. Is it really that big of a deal? It’s not like she’s singling you out; she hugs everybody. Can’t you handle it between the two of you? I asked him if he would be arguing so hard against doing his job if the person hugging me were male.
So, he talked to her and told her in no uncertain terms to stop. She apologized and refrained from hugging me for two whole days. Then she was right back at it, obeying not the voice of the person whose body she was touching but the golden rule that told her if she likes it as much as she does, deep down I do too. Therefore, she could ignore my protests and touch me as she pleased.
I went to HR who gave me the same interrogation as the trainer. They stopped just shy of saying that if I didn’t feel there was a sexual component to her actions, then she wasn’t doing anything wrong — or at least, not something they could intervene with. In the end, HR was useless, and the head of our department had to put us on opposite ends of the office floor.
I did ask once, after we’d worked together for some time why she wouldn’t stop. She gave me a paraphrased, justified version of this awful ‘rule’, with a bit of victim-blaming thrown on top. Sometimes I just look so sad she felt compelled to give me a hug to cheer me up. Again, thinking about what she would like in that situation, not me.
If those out there still conforming to this antiquated dictate are truly doing so because they wish to be kind to others this argument should be enough to make them reconsider.
We should be treating others how they wish to be treated.
It’s not complicated.
I’ve heard arguments from those whose ego is clearly attached to the golden rule (or perhaps more broadly to the patriarchal, Christian agenda it perpetuates) that what I propose is impractical.
‘How am I supposed to know how each and every person wants to be treated? I’m not a mind reader!’
It’s simple. Treat every human being with a basic level of respect — verbally and physically — just respect their right to autonomy. If you need further instruction (due to a specific scenario or situation), ask them what their preference is.
See? It’s basic. Anyone can do it.
Everyone should.
Imagine the world that would be created if this was what we taught everyone instead of promoting the agenda of the few.
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