Summary

Chuck Roast humorously recounts his attempts to improve his dating "game" post-divorce by testing cheesy pick-up lines and seeking advice from female coworkers, while also reflecting on office signs that resonate with his situation.

Abstract

Chuck Roast, a writer exploring satire and humor, shares his personal journey to refine his dating techniques in the wake of his impending divorce. He experiments with various pick-up lines found online, ranging from the tame to the overtly sexual, and receives less-than-encouraging feedback from his female coworkers. The article details his comedic struggles with the nuances of modern flirting and his quest for a line that strikes the right balance between funny and direct. Alongside his dating endeavors, Chuck draws parallels to humorous and sometimes inappropriate signs posted in his workplace, contemplating their application in social scenarios. The narrative concludes with Chuck acknowledging the complexity of romantic approaches and expressing a preference for honesty in interactions, while also promoting his newsletter for further engagement with his audience.

Opinions

Chuck views traditional pick-up lines with skepticism, considering them outdated and ineffective.
His coworkers are critical of his approach, suggesting more direct and sexually suggestive language, which Chuck finds challenging due to his discomfort with explicit terminology.
Chuck sees humor as a crucial element in his interactions but recognizes the fine line between being funny and being perceived as strange or threatening.
The office signs reflect a range of attitudes, from humorously dismissive to outright confrontational, mirroring the diversity of personalities one might encounter in dating situations.
Chuck ultimately values authenticity, proposing that honesty might be his best strategy in romantic pursuits, despite the potential for rejection.
He is open to learning from his experiences and the experiences of others, as evidenced by his request for reader engagement and stories about their own pick-up line encounters.

Hey, Baby. .What’s Your Sign?

Not what you think. . .

Photo of Unaccredited photo by Charles Roast

“Hey, baby. What’s your sign?” Does that line work any more?

I am working on my “game,” just in case I survive my divorce. But it’s gonna have to be my online “game” for now. Don’t want to get “The Virus”. Besides, women scare me.

Later, I’ll try it live.

That’s me in the photo above. . .

Not the “real” me, but something I would do. Would you want to have an online relationship with me? I mean, I am younger than him, a little tanner, and no mustache, but an awesome short beard. But the guy with the fish eyes pretty closely represents my sense of humor, which is, well, try not to take yourself so seriously and have your own fun.

But is it enough?

Some women at work were kind enough to listen to some “starter lines”. I prefer that term to “pick up” lines since with 3 hernias, there won’t be any picking up anytime soon.

I’ll give you three examples of some of the lines I found on the internet that I thought might be “cute” funny, not ‘strange man” funny. Except number 2. . .they made me say that one.

“Do you have a map? Cause I keep getting lost in your eyes.” I thought this one was pretty tame, probably the tamest of all the ones I had. They laughed, but not too loud. More like one of those “pity” laughs. One woman said, “A real man don’t need no map to my heart.” Well, shoot. I didn’t expect comebacks. Especially mean ones. Another one said, “These days, girls like you to be more direct. Try one with more sexual innuendo.” Okay. Moving on. I looked at my notes. Yes, I had notes.
“I wanna put my thingy in your thingy.” Oof. They embarrassed me so badly with this one, I don’t think I can talk about it. Okay, a little. “Thingy? THINGY!!? Seriously?” Me: “Um, yeah. I can’t say those real words.” Them: “Try it. What do you call your private parts?” Me: “Um, Elvis.” Them, after they stopped laughing: “Elvis? Who the hell is Elvis?” Clearly I chose the wrong crowd. Them: “What do you call a woman’s private parts when you are in the throes of passion?” Me: “Um. Boobies. Vagina.” Them, after more laughing: “C’mon, say the “P” word (see, I cannot even write it).” Me: “No. I’ll try something else. Um, “Vajajay?” Okay. You get the point. They had a good laugh at my expense, especially when I finally uttered the “P” word in front of them. Well, whispered. But I had to turn away. Last one. . .
“Let’s make like fabric softener and snuggle.” Yep, that one didn’t go over so well, either.

After rolling on the floor laughing (I now understand the context of “ROTFL” and “LMFAO”) at my approaches and being not helpful at all, I finally asked them what THEY thought would work.

Now, remember the scenario: You are at a bar, presumably to have fun and maybe meet someone. A man comes up to you. What could he say that would get your positive attention? I’m not talking about things like, “Can I buy you the most expensive drink in the house, then have you walk away from me,” kinda line. I mean a funny or cute line. Hmmm? That one actually may work.

While they talked among themselves, I went for an interior patrol of the building to find somewhere quiet to pout. And re-read my notes. And figure out a different approach. Clearly, women were even more complex than I thought. Or, maybe. . .maybe they were EASIER than I thought? So confused.

As I was walking through the empty cubicle farms, I noticed several employees (who are working from home now)had posted signs on the outside of their cubicles. Some of them were really appropriate to my mood, some were funny, some I wondered why this person didn’t have to attend an HR training on “What not to post on a sign outside your cubicle.”

I noticed every sign was on a woman’s cubicle. This one I get. Some women are just plain ‘ole mean! But I would hope not to find a mean one at the bar.

Photo of unaccredited sign by Chuck Roast

This one, the yellow one, I wanted to steal and use for my own office. You know how, when you’re busy with a project and someone stops by on THEIR break and wants to chat you up for 40 minutes? I thought this would be a great conversation “stopper.”

On the other hand, I wondered if I could use this in the bar. “Hey, baby! You are on fire and only I can rescue you. Come with me if you want to live.” Yeah. I re-read that. I’d probably get arrested for threats.

How about this: “Hey, baby! The apocalypse has started. How about you and I go somewhere private and live out our last moments alive with me putting my thingy in your thingy, then hope we survive. I have a gun, and I have skills?” Oops. Went too far with that one. Gotta know when to stop, darn it!

Well, in the past, most of my attempts at flirting kinda went the way of the “FAQ’s” at the bottom of the sign. . .without the “Have a nice day!” part.

This blue one my assistant likes. He said this perfectly explains why he follows me around and takes notes. He said every day he implements one of my ideas, I say, “How did you come up with that great idea.” He said “I didn’t. You did” Me: “I did? When?” Him: “This morning. That’s why I write stuff down.”

It doesn’t really have anything to do with “starter” lines. . .I think. I don’t know, maybe something like, “Hi! I’m a great listener and. . .” Shoot! Got nothing.

Well, I may have to stick with the old standard lines: Me: “Do you find me handsome” Her: “No.” Me: Pulls out a wad of cash, “How many more drinks will it take.”

Or,: “You know, I’m actually terrible at flirting. How about you try to pick me up instead?”

Yeah, that one might work. I’ll probably get turned down a lot, but at least it’s honest.

And honesty is the one true thing women look for in a man, right?

One more thing. How do I stop them from whispering the “P” word for a woman’s thingy every time they walk past me? There’s gotta be an online HR video addressing that?

Chuck Roast tries to write Satire and Humor. Sometimes other stuff, too. But one thing he likes is comments from readers to interact with. Please feel free to leave a comment, or a short story about your favorite or worst pick up line/experience. Or, if you write your own story about your “pick up” experiences, please tag me. I’d love to read them.

Every little bit will help poor Chuck out.

Peace and Love, Chuck

PS: If you enjoyed this story, here’s my subtle push toward my newsletter. When you subscribe, I’ll send you some original, never before published content, and some links to my Medium stuff. Thanks Kristi Keller for the wording of this blurb.