He’s not an ‘avoidant’: he just doesn’t like you
Why dating meme psychology is harming us
I got a text from a friend the other day and it really, really hurt. He didn’t want to end our friendship, but he didn’t want to stay in touch regularly. Crushing, yes. Humiliating, absolutely. But I am so glad he said it. Because letting me know that he wanted me to let go was the kindest and bravest thing to do.
It’s incredibly difficult to be brave and say when you’re not interested in someone anymore: platonically or romantically. We’ve all had friendships that have come to an end, flings that went nowhere, and boyfriends who ended up getting on our nerves. That’s part of life. Life is change. And as horrible as it is to tell someone you don’t want them in yours anymore, it is important. It gives them the opportunity to accept reality and move on.
However, most people won’t.
Which is why it is extremely important you learn to read the room and avoid hurting yourself. The rational part of you definitely knows what the signs are when someone isn’t interested in staying in touch with you;
- They don’t start conversations first
- They don’t ask to see you or make time for you
- They avoid acknowledging or engaging with your requests to see them
- They only engage when it is necessary for them to do so, or there is no one else around to fill that need in their life
- They always have an excuse or reason not to see you
It’s easy to demonise people for this: but there’s nothing wrong with someone for just not liking you that much. There’s nothing wrong with you, or them, for there just not being mutual chemistry, attraction, or interest. They aren’t bad people for not wanting to be part of your life. I can’t even tell you the number of people I openly groan at receiving a text from or come up with increasingly unlikely excuses not to see them or make time for them. I’m sure you do too: we all have people we wish would stop fancying us or asking us to their pottery workshops. The opposite of love is not hate: it’s just indifference. I feel indifferent towards most people. It’s completely acceptable for people to have the same attitude to me.
The problem is that you are only hurting yourself by listening to pop-psych demonisation like ‘he’s avoidant because he won’t call me’ and ‘he’s a sociopathic narcissist for refusing to be exclusive with me’. The truth is very simple: you are chasing someone who isn’t interested in you. You know, deep down, that someone who actually liked you would make time to see you. Would call you back. Would text you. Would want to know how you were feeling. I’m friends with CEOs and politicians who can somehow make time for me: if he liked you, he could too. You know that. I know you know that.
Yes- a tiny, tiny percentage of people have ‘sociopathic tendencies’, ‘NPD’, ‘anxious attachment’ and ‘avoidance issues’. That’s real. But most people who don’t text you back just don’t like you. Most people who don’t make time for you just don’t like you. Most people who don’t want to call you their girlfriend or boyfriend just don’t like you. You know that. There’s no deep emotional secret, there’s no sociopathy, narcissism, or personality disorder to the fact that someone just isn’t that into you.
There’s nothing wrong with someone who just doesn’t like you.
It’s easy to imagine that someone not liking you is an act of cruelty, neglect or selfishness on their part. I’m sure you’re kind. Lovely. Witty, charming. Gentle. I’m sure that you deserve love and deserve attention. But someone who doesn’t like you enough to be your friend or partner isn’t saying that you aren’t worthy of that, or that you don’t have those traits: they’re just saying that their feelings aren’t that strong for you.
It’s never because you aren’t tall enough, thin enough, pretty enough, rich enough, or interesting enough: they are just not your person. If I really look at why I’ve turned people down- everyone from handsome actors to investment bankers- it’s never been because they weren’t good enough for me. I just didn’t feel a relationship would work between us. Nothing they did or said was going to change that: six pack or no six pack, expensive present or no expensive present. It’s totally normal to just not like someone.
So please, please avoid demonising people and sticking labels on people for the very acceptable and legitimate stance that they don’t want to be your friend or partner. You’re hurting yourself: you’re making it an issue of rejecting you rather than rejecting a relationship with you. I know it’s nice to feel angry or vindicated for that abandonment or rejection wound but really, reflect on how many times you’ve turned people down or found it too challenging to openly say when something wasn’t working. But you can only really heal and move on when you’re prepared to let people walk out of your life on their terms. You are going to make yourself miserable trying to ‘cure’ or ‘convince’ someone who doesn’t want you. The only correct decision to someone who isn’t meeting your needs in a friendship or relationship is to politely cease contact and walk away.
Sure, I’m sad to lose someone I liked and enjoyed as a friend. It’s sad not being close to them anymore and knowing that chapter has definitely ended. But it does mean I could delete his number and get on with my life, meet new people, and do new things. He’s not evil for sensing that we’d both run our course. I haven’t failed, and he hasn’t failed me. This too shall pass.
Because, fancy pseudo-psychology aside: he just didn’t like me that much.