Here’s Why I Never Want To Be ‘Drunk’ Again

It’s not just the hangover

The fact that I would regularly choose to drink vodka with summer fruits squash (it was cheap and didn’t lead to bloating!) for pre-drinks whilst at university goes to show the extent to which the emphasis was entirely on ‘getting drunk’ and the effects of alcohol on the mind and behaviour, rather than simply the enjoyment of a drink for its flavour or unique qualities.

The drinking culture for young adults, and particularly for students, in the UK and other western societies is very much rooted in the partying and hedonistic lifestyle; it’s glorified and sold as the way to enjoy yourself and let loose.

If you don’t like getting drunk, then there’s something wrong with you.

I admit I got drawn into the culture myself. Particularly at university — it’s hard not to!

I wasn’t a big fan of clubbing or one for really ‘mad’ nights (however you define that) but I definitely enjoyed the feeling of being drunk, becoming more relaxed and unselfconscious, and enjoying this with friends or new people.

Even in the past when I could enjoy a drink for the taste, I was often far more excited about the fact that the alcohol would have an effect on my mind and my behaviour, and the consequent effects of that within a social situation.

The All-powerful Dutch Courage

When I think about my early experiences of drinking, I suppose those times were exciting because I’d be in a group of friends, sometimes containing a boy that I fancied or, failing that, people I wanted to get closer to and have fun with, without feeling nervous or shy.

Alcohol and it’s the effect of loosening me up enabled me to feel like I was satisfying those desires; feeling more confident, behaving a bit silly and having fun, and subsequently creating memories with people that I hoped might bring us closer together.

And I won’t deny that it did help to do that.

It’s a shame but it’s true that alcohol can and often does facilitate the development of friendships.

It’s not the alcohol in and of itself, but the confidence and loosening effect it has on us. It’s the excuse it gives us to show a little more of our wild side, and to get a little bit more familiar with people without overthinking their reactions or being concerned so much about social rejection.

Being drunk gives us the courage to be more honest, to make bold moves and do or say things we might feel unable to do whilst sober.

I’m sure many of you can relate to finding the guts to text that love interest after a few drinks.

Intoxication no longer provides

The reason I’ve been considering this effect of alcohol, and realising that this was a huge factor as to why I enjoyed and looked forward to evenings where ‘drinking’ would be a key feature, is down to a recent experience of grasping for that feeling, but being unable to find it (and then suffering with a huge, unnecessary hangover.)

This grasping to no avail happened during an evening at my house with my closest girlfriends. Drinks were flowing and we were enjoying each others’ company after a long time apart (thank you covid19.)

“I don’t feel drunk, I want to feel drunk” — I said to my friends after a fair few glasses.

Even looking back on myself now, I realise the silliness of this desire, but at the time I had been looking forward to feeling that tipsy, alcohol-induced glow in the company of my friends. The feeling that made the conversation a little deeper, the behaviour a little sillier, and just felt fun.

I think my longing to reach for that ‘alcohol high’ stemmed from memories of when the desire to lose my inhibitions was linked to potential social gain; the increased confidence, the excitement of maybe getting closer to a friend, or feeling able to talk to the person I fancied (blush.)

When I write this now, it sounds a little pathetic, but I honestly believe this is a huge reason people enjoy the feeling so much!

So what I realise now, is that perhaps the reason this ‘drunk’ state felt unreachable with my girlfriends was that they are people I talk freely and openly with anyway, regardless of whether we’re drinking or not. People I feel comfortable being myself around and don’t need extra confidence or to change myself in order to feel closer to them or to be more likeable.

So my sorry attempts at reaching that ‘high’ I was chasing on the night with my friends were futile. I struggled to get to a point where I felt what my brain associated with being ‘drunk’ because there was really not much loosening to be done.

So I kept drinking. Kept reaching. And then I really was drunk.

But still not the kind I was looking for. One moment I felt simply ‘glowy,’ the next I was slurring and crying about how much I loved my cat. Not pretty.

Suffice to say, the regret the next day was deep. Why did I torture my organs for no good reason! Why did I insist on being ‘drunk?’

A new relationship with booze

So more than leading me to unpick what it really was that I had enjoyed about ‘being drunk’ in the past, this experience and reflection led me to re-evaluate my relationship with alcohol altogether.

Over the last few years, I’ve become a lot more confident in myself as a person, and I’ve learned a lot about what I truly value.

I no longer feel that I need or strongly desire alcohol to support my social interactions.

In fact, if anything, I now think that alcohol could be detrimental to the development of newer friendships, as it has the ability to change my behaviour, and influence me to present as a different (and less real) version of myself.

I’d far rather somebody get to know the honest me — the sober, quieter me — than a version of me that's a little looser and under the influence of a drug.

Bonding sober (or at least not ‘drunk’) reflects more honest, more natural development, not a relationship forced and fast-tracked by the hazy effects of the booze.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that ‘being drunk’ no longer has anything positive to offer me, and frankly comes with far more negative effects. In other words, drinking too much does not serve me. I’m really over it this time… I promise.

I am not saying I’m never going to touch alcohol again. I enjoy a delicious glass of wine and I love to celebrate special occasions with some bubbles in a fancy glass.

I’m simply saying I’m happy to approach alcohol in a different way and simply enjoy it when I really desire it, and when these desires are not coming from a place of grasping for something out of reach, attempting to alter my emotions or state of mind, or doing it simply because I feel that it’s expected of me in a particular environment.

Frankly, a few too many drinks turn all of us into slower, more confused, and less functional people. It’s not really a state to be proud of, or a state to aim for.

I prefer the person that I am when I haven’t had too much to drink. So I’m going to keep being her.

Danielle Godfrey is a British (late) twenty-something, who quit her job to spend more time writing about connecting to your most honest self, in order to live happily. Sign up for more inspiration on living a life that feels great for YOU.