Here’s Why Emotionally Open Men Are The Best Lovers

Openness leads to connection.

Being emotionally open is a strength. Despite what society tells men, the willingness to show and connect with our emotions requires far more fortitude than avoiding them.

Closing ourselves off may feel safer, or less risky, because we keep out the people and things that may hurt us. The truth is though, that we might also keep out the people and things that make us happy.

Hiding from ourselves is not an act of strength. Real strength is displayed through the willingness to look in the mirror and see our true selves. To be confident and certain in who we are, what we believe in, and how we feel.

This allows us to connect even deeper with our own identities, and with the people around us.

For the sake of simplicity in terminology, let’s use the familiar synonym:

vulnerability

[ vuhl-ner-uh-bil-i-tee ]

Willingness to show emotion or to allow one’s weaknesses to be seen or known; willingness to risk being emotionally hurt:

The foundation for open communication consists of honesty, trust, and vulnerability.

I’d also argue that another definition for vulnerability could be:

Something men avoid like the plague.

The truth is, though, that the willingness to be vulnerable as men can empower us to be even better lovers capable of building a deeper and stronger connection with the woman in our lives.

Is it a risk? Could you get hurt? Might your emotions be miscommunicated or misinterpreted?

Yes.

But, as Peter McWilliams pondered:

“It is a risk to love. What if it doesn’t work out? Ah, but what if it does.”

So, how then, does vulnerability make men better lovers?

1: Emotionally open men can build stronger trust.

Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship — without it, you’ll never be able to fully give yourself over to your partner, nor will you be available for them to give themselves to you.

Trust, though, is a risk that many people are unwilling to take. They think back on previous pain or hurt and sometimes refuse to take the chance at experiencing those same feelings again.

So, they shut down, or put up a wall that prevents real connection from happening.

As a result, obviously, relationships suffer or never fully form in the first place. They get rolling, and then everything implodes just as quickly as it began.

Emotional openness, though, allows for that door to re-open and trust to be built again. It shows that you’re willing to put yourself out there — which is a signal to your partner that you’re serious about her, and the relationship you have together.

2: Emotionally open men have high standards.

Here’s the thing about healthy vulnerability: It’s selective.

I’m not talking about giving all of yourself to every single person you meet. You must set and maintain boundaries and standards so you can determine who deserves these parts of you.

Despite what vision you might have in your mind, being vulnerable doesn’t require you to run around crying into everyone’s arms while you share your life story the moment you meet them.

Vulnerability requires discernment. It’s an action that reflects trust (ahem, point #1), and that is (should be) seen as a privilege by the recipient.

At least, a recipient worth receiving it.

3: Emotionally open men have personal accountability.

Another complaint I hear from my female clients is that men don’t like to take responsibility for their actions.

It’s always someone else’s fault. They’re always blaming others.

An ex, a family member, or even her.

Vulnerability, though, shows that you have the emotional strength required to understand your own feelings and therefore take ownership of them.

Why is this important?

For many reasons — but not the least of which being that ownership of your challenges is the first step towards solving them. If you’re not willing to be accountable to yourself, then you’ll never have the clarity required to learn, grow, and improve.

4: Emotionally open men are…well…emotionally available.

A big red flag for either men or women is being emotionally unavailable.

The moment this discovery is made, it becomes exponentially more difficult to build a real connection with someone — if it’s even possible at all.

When you close yourself up in your shell of protection, it doesn’t just keep out the danger — it also keeps out the possible love and happiness that you could create by opening up.

One could argue that being emotionally available is the very first basic requirement of entering into a relationship. If that isn’t present, there is no room for anything else to grow.

5: Emotionally open men are open to YOUR emotions, as well.

Another common complaint from women isn’t just that men don’t understand their emotions — but that they don’t even try.

Men have long resorted to the (unfair) generalization that women are overly emotional or difficult to understand.

Perhaps, though, they’re simply more connected with the human experience than their male counterparts who suppress emotions for fear of being seen as “weak” or “unstable.”

Men who have the strength to look at their own emotions, though, are more likely to be willing to sit and listen to hers, too.

He understands the value in connecting with one’s self and therefore is more likely to support his partner along that journey.

He has felt and recognized the benefits, and knows he can build a strong connection with someone else who has done the same.

6: Emotionally open men have depth.

Lifelong relationships require two partners who have depth.

Depth allows for more.

More interests, more topics to talk about, more communication, more intimacy, more connection, more adventure, more curiosity about the world…

Being vulnerable means you’re willing to open yourself up — not just inwardly, but outwardly as well.

It’s a signal that you are open to expansion. Growth. Learning. Evolution.

All of the things that are required to build a relationship that lasts over time.

7: Emotionally open men are self-aware.

I believe that most people don’t understand their emotions well enough to communicate them.

Is that an excuse? Of course not, because I also believe that we can establish a greater understanding if we are willing to examine said emotions and develop clarity around what they actually mean.

This, though, requires effort. Effort that most people are not willing to put in. And, let’s be honest: It’s mostly true for men.

If, though, you can work on identifying what you’re feeling in order to better process and understand it, it helps you develop a far greater understanding of yourself, which empowers you to build better relationships with those around you as well.

8: Emotionally open men are safe.

If you’re a frequent reader of my work (welcome back!), you’ve seen me say that I believe the greatest compliment a woman can give a man is that she feels safe around him.

Not just physically safe, though — emotionally and mentally safe.

Safe opening up, sharing her deepest desires, thoughts, fears, ambitions, goals, needs…

This is the space in which true intimacy and connection are built.

A man’s vulnerability is a signal to a woman that she can feel this level of safety with him, for no other reason than that he is willing to reciprocate.

9: Emotionally open men are relatable.

Have you ever seen or heard a person who shows virtually no emotion? Everything is always great, or perfect. They can do no wrong. They never need any help. They know everything about everything.

Obviously, we all know this isn’t true and that it’s all just a cover-up for deep insecurities.

But, what else does it do? It prevents us from relating to them.

What’s relatable about a person like this? Nothing — because there’s no real humanity being shown.

Humanity is synonymous with vulnerability.

We all experience emotions. We all experience challenges. We all experience hurt, pain, and struggles.

We also all experience joy, happiness, love, connection, and ecstasy.

These are universal truths of the human experience no matter where someone is from — so they serve as a thread that connects us all.

Vulnerability helps us to relate to each other, whereas its absence prevents it.

10: Emotionally open men have COURAGE.

Let’s be real, man. It takes some serious courage to take a real and uncensored look at your emotions. There’s no telling what you’ll find, or if you’ll even like it.

This, though, is why most people never do it in the first place.

This is why I have such immense respect for all of my clients, because they’re willing to look inward and ask the hard questions.

That shit ain’t easy.

It also takes courage to love.

It takes courage to receive love.

It takes courage to risk being hurt.

It takes courage to fully dedicate yourself to someone else.

It takes courage to make the commitment to build a life alongside someone.

And, being vulnerability is a signal that this level of courage exists.

If someone cannot trust you’re willing to be there…

…they’ll never open up to you, in return.

Vulnerability invites more of itself.

It recognizes itself.

It empowers love.

Okay, okay…but when is vulnerability NOT GOOD?

I’m going to outline five quick points that touch on when vulnerability is a negative in a relationship. Needless to say, it’s possible to take things too far or develop an unhealthy relationship with neediness.

I once had a client tell me she used to date men who were looking for “a nurse or a purse.” In other words, men who wanted to be fully taken care of or supported by their “partner.”

1: When it’s used to control you.

Vulnerability must be genuine and consistent — if it’s being used as a tool to make you feel guilty, for his personal gain, or to keep you with him for unhealthy reasons — run.

2: When he pities himself constantly.

Healthy vulnerability uses the clarity around itself in order to learn and grow. Unhealthy vulnerability is unable to escape from its own negative cycles and always feels bad for itself. You’re on too much of an upward trajectory to be weighed down by someone who refuses to get out of their own way.

3: When he whines about everything.

Either you already have a kid, you want to have a kid, or you don’t want to have a kid. No matter which of these is true — your partner shouldn’t be another child you need to care for.

4: When he can’t do anything himself.

Vulnerability is not an excuse to throw in the towel and expect other people to do everything for you. If he’s an otherwise capable and intelligent adult, he needs to handle that on his own.

5: When he refuses to improve.

The benefits of vulnerability outlined above are heavily dependent on what we choose to do with our findings. If we choose to learn and grow and develop, we can have fantastically healthy relationships with our self and others. If, though, we choose to repeat our own negative patterns (it becomes a choice once you recognize them), then it takes away our own personal power.

When you choose to surrender control over your own life, it’s the same as never having any in the first place.

And that, most certainly, will do nothing for your love life.

At the end of the day, being emotionally open to the world (and the people) around us enhances the human experience on all levels. Whatever we feel, we feel it more deeply. Whether it be joy, or pain, or sadness, or ecstasy — we’re more connected to and aware of it, which brings us lessons from the bad, and enjoyment from the good.

The story of your life is being written every day, and each moment you block out ends up being a blank page.

I don’t know about you, but I want my pages to be full of the most bright and vibrant details and feelings possible. That is how we create a life (and a love) that we can be proud of.

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• James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
• Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
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