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Abstract

ks.</p><p id="54cf">•Or they may sulk, or become angry, or irritable, leaving us with the idea we are wrong, difficult, or demanding.</p><h1 id="7810">Considerations</h1><p id="6ac9">It’s worth recognizing we often put off telling people we find their behavior damaging until we are desperate for them to change. By then, they have acted in ways we find hard to cope with many times.</p><p id="f6d3">We may not speak up until the relationship is at breaking point because we feel helpless and want circumstances to get better by themselves. Maybe, we fear the repercussions of requesting change too. Might the individual get angry? Reject us? Confirm our deepest fear that we aren’t valuable?</p><p id="012b">There’s also the worry we ought to love unconditionally, and the need to get someone to alter their behavior denotes we don’t accept them as they are.</p><h1 id="5111">You can practice unconditional love and maintain your boundaries</h1><p id="43d6">Even if the idea you aren’t practicing unconditional love doesn’t come to mind, the individual in question might suggest your desire for them to change suggests you don’t love them.</p><p id="ea33">But hang on a moment…</p><p id="a0a1">Boundary maintenance and unconditional love are separate issues. It’s healthy to limit what you will and won’t put up with in a relationship.</p><p id="d49f">At the same time, if someone you cared for said <i>your</i> behavior hurt them, wouldn’t you explore the idea? Shouldn’t someone who cares for you do the same for you?</p><p id="f7d5">It’s normal for people to want to learn from their mistakes and grow. When someone refuses to entertain the idea their actions might harm you, they are stuck, and it’s unhealthy to let th

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em stomp on your boundaries.</p><h1 id="5ffc">Why people resist changing</h1><p id="5ef3">People might refuse to change because they don’t want to look at their behavior. They’ve spent years, perhaps a lifetime, avoiding unearthing difficult personality traits, and facing up to them is hard. And getting through to them is even harder.</p><h1 id="3ce1">The real issue might be why you are still around</h1><p id="4d6a">Sometimes, the real question when we ask someone to change is what we are doing in a damaging, unfulfilling relationship in the first place. We know it’s painful to stay, yet; we persevere.</p><p id="abae">Our behavior (staying, although it hurts) signifies we, too, are stuck, just like the individual who refuses to change.</p><p id="1288">It’s possible we follow a repetitive relationship behavior pattern that mirrors our childhood, and we are in the middle of a potential life lesson ourselves.</p><p id="4af7">We can break the pattern by making a decision that empowers us. First, we must look at the evidence to see whether the change we want is likely. Next, we can consider if we really want to stay in the relationship as it is rather than rely on it getting better.</p><p id="2ec6">Remaining with someone when it hurts suggests we don’t have healthy boundaries, and we might be repeating an old habit where we wait for someone to treat us well, but they never do.</p><p id="3de3">Although people sometimes change, they do so in their own good time, when they are ready. Most notably, you can’t force anyone to change or hurry the process. The best you can do is look at circumstances realistically and base your decision on whether to stay on the evidence in front of you.</p></article></body>

Here’s the Actual Question to Ask When You Want Someone to Change

It’s time to get real

We might consider whether people can change when we’re in a painful relationship. Perhaps someone mistreats us or doesn’t love us back. What we want from them isn’t forthcoming, and we suffer.

If only they would be more like this, we think, or less like that, we would be happy. We give them the power to influence our well-being because we’ve invested time and emotional energy in the relationship and recognize we’re at a crossroads.

Something’s got to give, and the best outcome, we surmise, is that the person changes. But can they? We contemplate the nature of humanity and relationships and wonder whether people really do change their ways.

The saying, ‘a leopard doesn’t change its spots,’ springs to mind, and we aren’t sure if we should let go or hang onto the relationship in the hope things will get better with time.

What happens when we ask someone to change?

•When we tell someone we dislike their behavior, they may suggest the problem is ours and we are the one who needs to change.

•Or they might tell us they will never behave in the ways we find offensive or hurtful again, yet do so in a few days or weeks.

•Or they may sulk, or become angry, or irritable, leaving us with the idea we are wrong, difficult, or demanding.

Considerations

It’s worth recognizing we often put off telling people we find their behavior damaging until we are desperate for them to change. By then, they have acted in ways we find hard to cope with many times.

We may not speak up until the relationship is at breaking point because we feel helpless and want circumstances to get better by themselves. Maybe, we fear the repercussions of requesting change too. Might the individual get angry? Reject us? Confirm our deepest fear that we aren’t valuable?

There’s also the worry we ought to love unconditionally, and the need to get someone to alter their behavior denotes we don’t accept them as they are.

You can practice unconditional love and maintain your boundaries

Even if the idea you aren’t practicing unconditional love doesn’t come to mind, the individual in question might suggest your desire for them to change suggests you don’t love them.

But hang on a moment…

Boundary maintenance and unconditional love are separate issues. It’s healthy to limit what you will and won’t put up with in a relationship.

At the same time, if someone you cared for said your behavior hurt them, wouldn’t you explore the idea? Shouldn’t someone who cares for you do the same for you?

It’s normal for people to want to learn from their mistakes and grow. When someone refuses to entertain the idea their actions might harm you, they are stuck, and it’s unhealthy to let them stomp on your boundaries.

Why people resist changing

People might refuse to change because they don’t want to look at their behavior. They’ve spent years, perhaps a lifetime, avoiding unearthing difficult personality traits, and facing up to them is hard. And getting through to them is even harder.

The real issue might be why you are still around

Sometimes, the real question when we ask someone to change is what we are doing in a damaging, unfulfilling relationship in the first place. We know it’s painful to stay, yet; we persevere.

Our behavior (staying, although it hurts) signifies we, too, are stuck, just like the individual who refuses to change.

It’s possible we follow a repetitive relationship behavior pattern that mirrors our childhood, and we are in the middle of a potential life lesson ourselves.

We can break the pattern by making a decision that empowers us. First, we must look at the evidence to see whether the change we want is likely. Next, we can consider if we really want to stay in the relationship as it is rather than rely on it getting better.

Remaining with someone when it hurts suggests we don’t have healthy boundaries, and we might be repeating an old habit where we wait for someone to treat us well, but they never do.

Although people sometimes change, they do so in their own good time, when they are ready. Most notably, you can’t force anyone to change or hurry the process. The best you can do is look at circumstances realistically and base your decision on whether to stay on the evidence in front of you.