GET VACCINATED

Here’s How We Get Republicans Vaccinated

Or, how to get the pricks pricked

The modern-day GOP is rife with idiots, assholes, lunatics, and morons.

If you have a stunning lack of intelligence or are completely devoid of a moral center, you can go far in American politics.

While that may be nothing new, I’d argue that it’s worse than it used to be. It really is. And it was never good, to begin with.

Being a bad person is a prerequisite to joining their party.

The list of reasons why the Republican party is a shitshow trapped in a trainwreck wrapped in a dumpster fire is long and varied. Still, their continued insistence of denying that Covid is real, discouraging mask-wearing, and encouraging the abhorrent anti-vax movement ranks at the top of this list.

Their incessant spread of disinformation is appallingly stupid and far beyond forgivable.

I’ve come up with a list of ways we might — might — be able to convince these assholes to get the damn vaccine. Presented below, in no particular order, are my ideas.

1. Tell them (the truth) that Covid can cause erectile dysfunction, and not just your garden variety E.D., but one that’s long-lasting and impossible to fix with pharmaceuticals. Big brother loves big pharma, but Viagra won’t do dick to fix this. Flaccid pun intended.
2. Tell them that they should not get the vaccine. This, almost certainly, will result in them getting the vaccine because they live for nothing, if not for owning the libs. This one has the most actual potential.
3. Point out that if they keep healthcare workers busy giving vaccination injections, it leaves less time for abortions. This one has the second most potential.
4. Tell them that the vaccine guarantees prevention against their future offspring espousing liberal viewpoints.
5. Point out that Cheeto Hitler, their golden cow, got the vaccine, and he’s maintained the ability to be just as evil and vile as he ever was, so they have nothing to worry about.
6. Tell them that Jesus Christ appeared in a vision to Tucker Carlson and told him that he wants everyone to get the vaccine. Heaven has amended the 10 commandments. There are now 11. Thou shalt get inoculated. Amen.
7. Tell them that Hillary Clinton doesn’t want them to get the vaccine.
8. Tell them there’s a new CDC mandate: every new vaccination gets a free gun!
9. Tell them that an additional 1/4 mile gets added to the border wall every time a Republican gets vaccinated.
10. Tell them for every one of them that gets the vaccine, there’s one less vaccine available for immigrants or non-whites. Thankfully, this certainly isn’t the case, but we sure as hell won’t tell them that.
11. Tell them it’s what Ronald Reagan would have wanted.

Obviously, the premise of this piece is slightly humourous, but the reality of the situation we’re in is not funny. It’s a life or death matter. Do the right thing. Protect your fellow citizens. Protect your family members. Most of all, protect the children who cannot get vaccinated. Get your vaccine, goddamnit.

If you have any additional suggestions, drop in the responses and post your idea.

However, be advised: if you leave stupid or rude comments or try and spread misinformation via the responses on this story, your comment will be removed, and you will be blocked and reported. This story carries with it a zero-tolerance policy for ignorant bullshit.

We already have enough of that.