How I Got Out Of Doing My Math Homework
They can’t check your work if you’re not there
Delay tactics
I had not completed the previous day’s homework.
“OK class, open your math books to your homework from last night,” my teacher commanded.
“Mrs. D’Onofrio, can I go to the bathroom?” I said, waving my hand in the air before she even called on me.
“Yes, Keith, go quickly,” she sighed.
And there it was:
Freedom.
I happily jumped up from my desk and trotted down the hallway to the bathroom.
I would make this a long bathroom visit. I’d take a good close look at myself in the mirror. I’d wash my hands right up to the elbow. I’d maybe even indulge in a drink of water from the fountain on the way back. All those things would be done very slowly.
By the time I got back, if I timed it right, all the math homework checks would be done.
It was brilliant.
Pretending to pee
But things didn’t go as planned.
When I got into the bathroom, the Vice Principal was there. He was investigating one of the bathroom stalls, looking very frustrated.
It looked like someone had purposely stuffed an entire toilet paper roll into the bowl. Toilet paper was everywhere and water was dripping over the side of the bowl, onto the ground.
The Vice Principal made me nervous. He didn’t say anything. He just watched me, in an undeserved, disapproving way.
So now what do I do?
I had no reason to be in there.
I quickly went up to the urinal and pretended to pee.
I stood there for a minute or so, feeling his glare burning a hole in the back of my neck.
Nothing came out, obviously. So I zipped my pants back up and flushed the fake pee down the urinal.
The worst possible things I could say
This was too fast.
I was in there for only one minute. I needed to extend this visit or I would have to explain my lack of math homework.
I went to the sink and started washing my hands thoroughly. Extra soap was used.
That took only one minute. What do I do now?
I’ll talk to him, I thought.
I casually walked over to him, looked at him, looked at the stall, and said the first thing that came to my mind. I said the worst possible thing I could say:
“Wow, I didn’t think THAT would happen.”
Why did I say that? I had nothing to do with this toilet incident. So stupid.
“What do you mean, Keith?” he replied. “Do you know something about this?”
“Uh, me? No.” I said, realizing I was incriminating myself. “I mean, I just meant I didn’t think this sort of thing COULD happen.”
I had no idea what I was talking about. This wasn’t helping at all.
“Could happen?” he repeated suspiciously.
“Yeah, like, with all that toilet paper,” I said, spiraling out of control.
Oh my god, I had to get out of there!
“Ok,” I said, “Have a good day!” Then I walked quickly out of the bathroom.
Criminal genius
I made my way back into my classroom and sat down at my desk. The homework checks were not finished.
“Oh, good, Keith,” my teacher said. “You’re back. Please open up your book to your math homework.”
“Mrs. D’Onofrio, I actually didn’t…” I started to explain how I didn’t complete my homework but I was interrupted by the classroom telephone ringing.
The teacher walked over to the phone on the wall.
She spent a minute listening to the person on the phone. Then she said, “Ok, I will send him.”
“Keith,” Mrs. D’onforio said, “the Vice-Principal wants to see you in his office immediately. Something about a clogged toilet.”
The whole class burst out laughing.
I made my way over to the Vice Principal’s office, to spend the next thirty minutes trying to explain how it wasn’t me who clogged the bathroom toilet.
When I returned back to class the math homework checks were long finished.
I was a criminal genius.
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