Summary

The article discusses the personal journey of overcoming resentment and learning to forgive an abuser as a means to personal freedom and healing.

Abstract

The author of the article shares a profound personal transformation that occurred over a decade, moving from a place of deep-seated anger towards an abuser to one of forgiveness. Initially, the idea of forgiving the person who caused so much pain was unthinkable. However, through mentorship, Bible study, and personal growth, the author discovered key insights into the nature of forgiveness. These insights include the revelation that forgiveness is a private act that doesn't require notifying the offender, is primarily for the benefit of the victim to release themselves from pain, involves evicting the abuser from one's mind, and necessitates self-forgiveness before forgiving others. The article emphasizes that forgiveness is not about forgetting the harm done or reconciling with the abuser, but about freeing oneself from the ongoing torment of negative thoughts and preventing further self-abuse through negative self-talk. The author concludes by affirming that these lessons on forgiveness can lead to a brighter future and a more peaceful heart.

Opinions

Forgiveness is seen as a personal journey that can lead to healing and does not necessitate informing the abuser.
The act of forgiving is portrayed as a self-liberating act, freeing the victim from the chains of their past.
The article suggests that holding onto anger and resentment continues to give the abuser power over the victim's life.
Self-forgiveness is considered a prerequisite to forgiving others, as it allows for the release of self-directed anger and blame.
Remembering past abuse is important, as it serves as a lesson and safeguard against future harm, rather than forgiving and forgetting.
The author believes that forgiveness is not about minimizing one's pain or justifying the abuser's actions but about moving forward and preventing further emotional damage.
The article posits that forgiveness is a key element in overcoming the mental and emotional barriers that hinder personal growth and the formation of healthy new relationships.

It Felt Wrong to Forgive Him

This life lesson was the key that finally unlocked my heart

He didn’t deserve to be spoken to, let alone hear words of forgiveness after the torment he’d caused me for so many years.

Forgive my abuser? Are you kidding me? Never.

That’s what I would have told you ten years ago had you suggested the idea.

It wasn’t something I even thought was possible.

However, I did eventually recognize the anger and resentment I carried towards this person. Many years after regaining my freedom, these negative feelings were still poisoning my life and causing me further harm in my new relationships.

Through a mentor and a bible study, I discovered some vital secrets about forgiving others.

How did I not know these things?

I wouldn’t have been open to the idea back then anyway. I was using my anger as fuel to move forward through my fear. It was a necessary part of my healing process. It took time and an abundance of healthy life experiences to get me to the point that I could take that next step.

It was another pivotal moment in my life.

Unfortunately, many of us hold on tightly to the notion that forgiving our abusers somehow means that they didn’t commit the crime.

It turns out that isn’t the case at all.

Secret #1 — You don’t need to tell them.

At first glance, this seems counter-intuitive. But there is no reason to address the person who will receive your forgiveness directly or indirectly. All your ‘forgiving’ can be done right in your own heart and mind, without anyone even knowing about it.

You will receive all benefits regardless.

“The act of forgiveness takes place in our own mind. It really has nothing to do with the other person.” Louise Hay

Secret #2 — It’s all about you.

Understand that the act of genuinely forgiving someone is for you, not them. To set you free of your pain and the shackles that keep you imprisoned. It has nothing to do with the person who caused you harm.

Forgive them to set yourself free; it’s that simple.

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that crushed it.” — Mark Twain

Secret #3 — They’re living in your head rent-free.

Realize that your abuser is human, imperfect and has already moved on and forgotten all the terrible things you still dwell on. The residual poison in your mind isn’t affecting them in any way, so why allow them to occupy that precious space in your thoughts.

You’ll never free yourself entirely from the abuse until you evict them from your mind.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.

— Lewis B. Smedes

Secret #4 — You’ll have to forgive yourself first.

Before you can forgive anyone else, you’ll need to find compassion in your heart for yourself and the choices you made. Part of what’s eating at you is anger towards yourself for allowing someone to mistreat you so severely. Let it go, truly forgive yourself for the choices you made that led you down that path.

Until then, you won’t have the right attitude required to forgive the injustice others imposed on you.

“Your past mistakes are meant to guide you, not define you.” — Unknown

Secret #5 — It’s the fastest way to freedom.

There is no need to minimize your pain or justify your abuser’s actions. But to enjoy your freedom, you must free your mind of the continued torment of your negative thoughts.

Ruminating over your past hurts will only keep you stuck in place. We all want to improve our lives and feel like we’re moving forward, and genuinely forgiving those that cause us pain is the release you’ll need to do that.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

— William Arthur Ward

Secret # 6 — Forgetting isn’t part of the deal.

Forgive, but don’t forget. I know that’s not how the saying goes, but trust me, you don’t want to forget. Forgiveness has nothing to do with reconciling or ignoring the damage that was caused by your abuser.

Absolutely let go of your hurt through forgiveness, but learning from your mistakes and making better choices is necessary and smart.

The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.

— Thomas Szasz

Secret #7 — It prevents further self-abuse.

Even after leaving an abuser, strong negative emotions like anger, shame and distrust can be left unchecked to fester. Your negative self-talk continues and can take over from where your abuser left off.

Unknowingly this negativity can poison your new experiences and cause more pain in your life. Taking the time to forgive another is the key to unlocking the door to a brighter future in your new relationships.

Until we can forgive, we remain locked in our pain and locked out of the possibility of experiencing healing and freedom, locked out of the possibility of being at peace.

— Desmond Tutu

The Wrap Up

Forgiving friends and family for minor indiscretions through my life was easy enough, especially if there was an apology and true remorse on their part.

But I was unable to come to terms with forgiving my abuser for many years because he wasn’t sorry and probably not capable of feeling remorse. It made the idea of forgiving him even more intolerable.

After learning these informative secrets, however, I was finally able to turn my life around.

My biggest mental block was Secret #1 — because I knew there wasn’t a chance I could share forgiveness directly with the monster who derailed my life so many years ago.

Not to mention, that being in his presence once again, wouldn’t be a safe thing to do. But understanding that I wouldn’t have to speak words of forgiveness directly to him meant I could do it, and it opened my mind (and my heart) to secrets number 2 through 7.

Forgiveness says you are given another chance to make a new beginning.

— Desmond Tutu

I was able to move towards a better future without the mental restraints that were holding me back from becoming a better version of myself.

Forgiveness was the key to re-opening my heart and letting go of the past.

These seven little secrets will work for you as well and bring more light back into your life.

Forgiving with your whole heart will change your world and allow joy and peace to filter back in.

I hope you can experience that.

Here’s another story you’ll enjoy…

12 Signs of Abuse You Should Never Ignore

Because it’s not always about black eyes and bruises

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I’m Liz, the self-empowered, red wine & coffee lovin’, personal growth fanatic behind this article. I’ve stopped shrinking into places I’ve outgrown and I’m a fan of straight talk and practical solutions. That’s why I’m here to Empower, Educate and Entertain.