WRITING TIPS ‘N TRICKS/ROGUES’ GALLERY

Here Comes Another Noob With all the Answers

I kid you not

It might be New Year’s Day, but I’m not feeling it. In fact, screw it. And screw all the “2022 has gotta be better than last year” comments because, from all reports, it’s not going to be. So, batten down your hatches, get a nice, warm cuppa (note, I’m not specifying alcohol), and prepare to read.

I mentioned this in the past, and I don’t know the reason for this, but the writers I follow rarely show up in my feed. Instead, I get a ton of tripe from “pretend writers.” Those folks who’ve recently glommed onto this platform and after a handful of stories believe they’ve cracked the code. And of course, they’re pissing themselves in their pitiful attempts to smarten up the rest of us. Because those of us who’ve been writing for years apparently can’t grab our asses with both hands.

An example. A recent piece from an anointed “Top Writer in Audience Engagement.” Well, call me a dumbass but I never knew such a tag existed. And now, I kind of wish I didn’t.

So, this faux scribe swears that the way to get more readers, followers, claps, farts, and squirts, is to write at a sixth-grade level.

Yes, people! In order to “make it” here, our stories must appeal to the average ten to eleven-year-old.

Now, as an advertising and marketing copywriter, I was always told to dumb shit down. Especially by the account staff, who never seemed to understand words comprised of two or more syllables. But, I wasn’t expecting that to be the case, here. In the three-plus years I’ve been writing on Medium, I’ve always felt free to write at a certain level of well, intellect. Where even three and four-syllable words would not only be permissible but appreciated.

According to this newly-hatched sage, that is not the case. Now, this has me thinking that perhaps my not appealing to sixth-graders is the reason, I’ve never earned over $150 in a month. Could that be what’s holding you back, as well?

I’m flummoxed, though. Offhand, I can’t think of any sixth graders in my immediate orbit. My niece and nephews are adults and I never see my cousins’ kids and/or grandkids. So I’m shooting blanks when it comes to conjuring up a story that would appeal to these wee humans.

So I did some Googling in an attempt to help us all become better writers so that we, too, can top the charts in audience engagement and maybe earn a few more shekels because those shingles vaccines aren’t gonna pay for themselves.

Following, from Ask DrSears, are several guideposts for making your stories “sing” for the Hotel Transylvania set.

1. Connect Before You Direct

At the beginning of your stories, make sure to get the kiddos’ attention by writing something like, ”Now, I’m going to need your eyes here, okay?” I would not suggest this as a subtitle but rather, as a catchy opener.

2. Address the Child

Make sure to throw out a name or two. “Now, Billy, Emily, and the rest of you little bastards, I’m going to need your eyes here, okay?”

3. Stay Brief

In other words, if you want to keep your audience engaged, no rambling. That’s a very common mistake we writers make. It gives the little shits the feeling that you’re not quite sure what it is you want to say. So, no long-winded explanations or heartfelt meanderings.

Remember: It doesn’t matter if the median age of your readership is eighty-five or twenty-five. You’re writing for sixth-graders.

4. Keep it Simple

Use short sentences with one-syllable words. Listen to how ten-year-olds communicate with each other and follow suit. When your ‘fans” start to drop off, you’re no longer being understood.

5. In Your Bio, Make an Offer the Kiddos Can’t Refuse

This one’s a snap. Just offer a follow-for-follow and they’ll be peeing their pants to oblige.

6. Be Positive When You Talk to Your Sixth-Graders

Instead of “no bullying,” try: “Inside we talk, outside you may be an asshole.”

7. Begin Your Directives With “I Want”

Instead of saying, “Read this,” say, “I want you to read this.” This approach works well with certain readers who want to please but don’t like being ordered. And hell, who likes that?

8. “When…Then.”

“When you get your teeth brushed, then you can read my story.” Think of this as the Medium equivalent to, “When your work is finished, then you can go outside and play.” “When,” implies that you expect obedience, while “if,” suggests that the little boogers have a choice when you don’t mean to give them one.

9. Give Choices

This sounds contradictory, but it can be very effective with certain readers. “Do you want to put your pajamas on or read my story first?” Because you are being gracious and obliging, no doubt your excellent piece will be read on the spot.

10. Make Sure That Your Stories are Socially Correct

Whatever the situation, expect your kiddos to be polite. Sixth-graders shouldn’t feel manners are optional. Speak to them the way you want them to speak to you. Don’t say, “Shut the hell up.” Instead, say, “I appreciate your comment.” And if that doesn’t work, hit the “block button.” There are plenty of sixth-graders to go around.

11. Replay Your Message

Kids need to be told stuff a thousand times, no? They have difficulty “internalizing” our directives. So, make sure to repeat yourself several times in a story. Forget about being overly repetitive. When your reader has the mental capacity of a sixth-grader, there’s no such thing.

12. Talk the Kiddos Down

The more vigorously they object to your story, the softer you respond. Let the little bastards ventilate while you interject comments such as “I understand” or “What can I do to help?” Sometimes just pretending to give a shit will wind down the tantrum. If you respond at their level, you have two tantrums to deal with. Remember: You’re the adult.

Okay. I believe the above tips will encourage all of us to stop bloviating and instead, write stories that will appeal to sixth-graders. I mean, a newbie said so, and after at least several weeks here, this veritable H. L. Mencken must know the score, right?

One thing, though, just occurred to me. Considering our audience, I’m guessing the word “fuck” is off the table, no?

Well, fuck that.

If you can handle it, read every one of my stories and those of other fab Medium writers. I’ll get a couple of shekels and you’ll have full access to this whole joint! https://sherrymcguinn.medium.com/membership

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. She is currently pitching her newest screenplay, “The Month We Fell Apart,” a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story, as well as “DEAD TIRED,” a female-driven, ass-kicking thriller.

Thanks for reading, guys. If you enjoyed this, I’d love for you to check out the following, as well as my newsletter, Sherry Raw.