RELATIONSHIPS | AUTOIMMUNE THRIVER
Helping Someone Through Grief and Traumatic Change
What to do when you don’t know what to do to help someone
“Grief is something we all face; diagnosis, divorce, financial stress, bullying, mental health issues, and yes, end of life. It’s all grief!” ~Yvonne Heath
Enjoy this eye-opening excerpt from “Helping Someone Through Grief: What To Do When You Don’t Know What To Do,” The Autoimmune Hour’s Interview #240 with Yvonne Heath, author of “Love Your Life to Death.” She also has a beautiful TEDx Talk called “Transforming Grief by Just Showing Up.”
SHARON SAYLER: After my diagnosis, I knew so many people cared but they didn’t know what to say. So they said nothing — like it, the diagnosis, didn’t exist.
In your book and talks, you share that it is critically important to have a connection, whether it is the end of life or dealing with any “issue.” Numerous people in the Autoimmune Hour community say, “I’m housebound now, and my friends are afraid to come over.”
That’s understandable and yet so sad to hear — having a community around us can be so healing. What suggestions do you have for us?
YVONNE HEATH: In a world of billions of people, many people are suffering in silos of silence and isolation. And it breaks my heart because we can do better if we talk about grief before it arrives.
Women, in particular, feel we have a badge of honor and we can do it on our own and we can do everything for everyone.
We’re so uncomfortable [asking for help] and we don’t want to [do it].
On the flip side, people feel they have to fix it or be “a professional” to be a part of someone’s [healing and/or grief] journey.
Too often, we don’t know what to do or say, so we avoid everything, the topic, the person, and that’s what I want to change for people.
SHARON: I think it’s essential that we are open to talking about a rough topic(s); it’s the first place to start.
Let’s say we have just found out that someone near and dear to us has been diagnosed with something really scary. What do you suggest is the first place to start?
YVONNE: Sharon, we don’t have the conversations before [we need them.] We don’t develop coping skills and strategies. In my TEDx Talk, I said when we don’t know what to do, we don’t know what to say, it’s awkward, it’s uncomfortable, and we can’t fix what’s wrong — the magic answer always is “Just show up.”
Just show up.
That can be a hug, text, email, call, or sitting silently and allowing our humanness and messiness. We don’t have to have it all together. We don’t have to be together. We don’t have to be strong for them.
Here’s a perfect example. It’s a very serious situation, but I find I’m laughing at my own reaction.
A friend of mine sent a message and said that his son died suddenly and he was in his thirties. I was just absolutely distraught.
When grief arrives in my life or in the lives of those I care about, it’s still hard for me. This isn’t easy. So I immediately said, “My gosh, I don’t know what to do or say.”
That’s why I have my little “Just show up” bracelet to remind me to just show up.
I called. There weren’t any words. I was crying so hard that he was like, “Who is this?” I was so distraught for him. I just said, “Oh my gosh, my heart is broken for you,” and I was just blurting and crying. And I was okay with that.
That’s the whole point — to just call and say, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here, and my heart is broken, too; my heart is broken for you.
And I tell people, “Just lead with your heart. Don’t try to overthink with thoughts such as “Is this the right thing to do? Should I call? Should I just show up?”
Just call. If they don’t want to talk, they won’t pick up the phone, or the conversation will be short. But, sometimes, it’s even just saying, “I am so sad for you and your family, and I’m here.”
If they say “Thank you” and hang up, that still meant something; you still showed up for them. It isn’t easy. And I tell people, “Don’t wait for it to be comfortable because it is not comfortable. Just show up anyway.”
SHARON: Great advice! Sometimes, I see people who get stuck in their own brokenness and their own grief when they’re trying to comfort someone else. And they’re not picking up the cues that the person is trying to hang up or escape the room.
Any suggestions or cues that you’ve noticed that some people sometimes miss when “It’s not about you”?
YVONNE: First of all, it’s such an important topic. I always say to people, “Can you please not answer someone’s story with your story. Please don’t do that.”
When somebody says, “I was just diagnosed with cancer, and I’m terrified,” the answer isn’t “Oh, my god, my aunt was diagnosed with that, and it was such a hard journey.”
I still don’t quite understand why people do that. So I encourage people, don’t answer the story with your story. Just listen. Or, “Oh my goodness, tell me more. What is this like for you?”
Just listen.
I used to tell chemo patients all the time, “I’m going to tell you something. People are going to tell their stories and half the time, they’re going to be awful stories.
And you know what? You have to be okay with having your boundaries because when you’re struggling with something, your health and your self-preservation need to be your number one priority.
So say to people, ‘Sorry, I need to interrupt. Can I ask you a question? Is this a positive story with a positive ending because if it’s not, I am sorry; I am not interested in hearing,” or “Sorry! Can you do me a favor? I just need you to listen to my story. I just need you to nod. A tear would be nice ─ a hug.”
Tell people what you need. I know they should get it. I know you hinted. I know you’ve looked at your watch, and they’re still talking. Just be honest. When you’re dealing with something, your own health is your number one priority.
And if their feelings are hurt, they’ll be okay. They should understand. So just be honest.
SHARON: That got me thinking about throughout my pregnancies when I heard every good, bad, and irrelevant story possible about everybody’s pregnancies, the same type of situation.
YVONNE: I don’t get it ─ I really don’t ─ why we have this need to connect through horrible stories. I was pregnant with twins, and somebody said, “Oh my goodness, my friend was pregnant with twins, and she was on bed rest for nine months, and her legs blew up like elephants.”
Why would I want to hear that story? It’s a terrible story.
I don’t know what that is, but we have to just say, “I just need to hear positive stories right now,” or “I just need to tell you my story. I just need you to listen.”
We need to be better at just saying what we need.
SHARON: That’s a skill that we should always use regardless of the situation.
YVONNE: Absolutely!
SHARON: Thank you, Yvonne, for once again sharing your wisdom.
The above has been lightly edited for written clarity and length.
INTERVIEW HIGHLIGHTS Show #240 “Helping Someone Through Grief: What To Do When You Don’t Know What To Do,” from www.UnderstandingAutoimmune.com/TheTalk
Yvonne Heath, a registered nurse since 1988, became disheartened by our society’s reluctance to talk about grief. Working within many areas of healthcare, including emergency, intensive care, chemotherapy, and hospice, Yvonne has seen how not talking about “it” causes excessive suffering in life and at the end of life.
She took a leap of faith, left her nursing career, and now shares her message of how to transform grief and sadness with her book, Love Your Life to Death, and as a speaker, TV and radio host, and through social media.
In addition to her crucial message of “Just Show Up,” she shares • how to transform how we talk about grief into healing moments, • how to escape the “silo of silence and suffering,” • graceful ways to assert yourself when others think ‘they know best,’ • ways to defuse the fear as we ask for what we need and hold our boundaries…
…plus so much more.
Yvonne Heath’s message empowers you to live life to the fullest and how to come from your heart when the unexpected happens, including the end of life. Learn more about Yvonne and her important work at www.loveyourlifetodeath.com/
To listen to the complete interview and share with family and friends, use this link: https://understandingautoimmune.com/thetalk
The information provided on The Autoimmune Hour (in all formats) is for educational and informational purposes only. Always seek sound professional advice on your own. Neither my guest nor I are acting as medical, legal, religious or other professionals. With this interview, we are talking about other people’s research and our own anecdotal experiences, including those of and with clients, listeners, and friends. Please seek sound medical, legal, and professional advice in advance of making any decisions or taking any action regarding this information.