Helpful Tips for the Vanilla People

You don’t have to be boring forever.

In my mind, I know I have done nothing wrong. I am a good, kind, and loving person to everyone in my life and I’m not as mean to strangers as I want to be. During the past couple of weeks, I have felt ashamed of some of my peers. Many people I thought I respected have shown me otherwise via their Internet postings or their actions somehow during this moral thunderstorm this country is currently going through.

Tensions are thick presently due to the tragic death of George Floyd and the constant manipulation by our media to tear our country apart and put its citizens at each other‘s throat. I have been extremely proud of many of my fellow community members for standing up for what’s right and going to marches and rallies to support the black community.

It’s important that the black community knows that not everyone is equivalent to the horrid people they encounter way too often. We need more white people taking a stand instead of just talking about taking a stand.

With that being said, I feel like I’m a very diverse person (please feel my palpable street credibility and obvious rhythm) and I try to be as politically correct as my personality will allow but I am about to set human fragility aside long enough to make fun of (while also helping) the extremely bland and boring white person we see so often. While more common in the male, being a huge buzz-kill can also be found in caucasian females.

I have always dealt with everything in my life from grief to fear to lust using humor and this is no exception. If you get offended, please feel free to write my customer service department.

You don’t have to act vanilla and have the personality of a sedated sloth because you were born a white person. I have made a list of some examples to try and spice things up for you in your placid life.Try these few tips out and you will see that being white doesn’t have to suck as bad as you think it does. You also might end up going on a date one day if everything in the universe lines up correctly.

Spices

There are more spices available to be bought and cooked with than the standard salt and pepper. Throw in some hot sauce. Or Tumeric. Or anything available. You are missing out on a world of flavors and food. I think the no spice thing is more of a northern white person practice because here in the south everyone uses all the spices. Our favorite seasoning of choice is bacon fat straight from the refrigerator and overly excessive amounts of butter.

Music

I love all genres of music from country to rap to pop. Much like I tell my Republican and Democratic friends, you don’t have to conform to the box that society has labelled for you. Try listening to other music and experiencing other cultures.

You will find yourself growing as a person and probably gaining more friends because you won’t be like a stiff log in a swamp serving no purpose but to be there. Try new things and keep this level of commitment up to changing yourself and you might eventually lose your virginity.

I realized shortly after listening to Coolio in the 90’s that I was also gangsta. Or considered myself to be anyway.

Yellow

Yellow is a color, it is not a greeting. Please stop embarrassing me and taking my cool level down a notch as a white person by answering the phone, “Yellow?”

Being a huge nerd is OK if you do it in a reasonably cool way like wearing hipster T-shirts with pictures of cats in sweaters on it.

Karen

All white women are not the Karen’s of the world. Some of us have never yelled at anyone in public. Some of us don’t like to get the police involved in anything unnecessarily much less call them over someone eating a corn-dog in a park, owning a fluffy dog or any other ridiculous reason. I try to feel bad for these “Karen” people of the world because it’s obvious they don’t have a brain running at full capacity but they make it very hard not to hate them.u

White Sneakers

These are what I have termed the universal shoes of the standard dad who now can make no decisions on his own. His wife carries his testicles around in her real leather fanny pack. White sneakers never look good. But this is how the Dads find each other in a crowd if they get separated from their grills now that all of their testosterone has been drained dry.

Please don’t think there’s an exception to white dad shoes being a fashion felony. Read it again. They never look good.

Now that I’ve talked about a real, but non-urgent, issue and lightened the mood a bit, I am ready for the United States and the rest of the world to set a change in motion in regards to race relations and being obviously baited and manipulated by the media. If change doesn’t come soon or if we don’t all get on the same page to make these things happen, they will never happen.

I think most people should slow down, relax the tension in their sphincters, stop being offended for a minute, and listen to the lyrics of the song Imagine, by the amazing, non-conforming but deceased John Lennon. Listen to the words, comprehend the meaning, and try to live that way every single day. This could very well lead to changes that will make a better world for all of us. But, first, we must stand together as one people united in a common goal.