Help! My Black Friend Said I was Being Racist! What Do I Do?

A bit of advice

Photo Credit: Unsplash

The scene: 2019, America. The players: a group of friends, some black, some white. The conversation topic: anything, anything at all.

And then, it happens. For the white person, it’s out of the blue and feels like a gut punch. For the black person, it’s about damn time already because they’d been holding their tongue for hours if not years now.

It might go like this, “You’re being racist!” or this “What you said was pretty racist, bro.” or this “Whoa now, that’s a racist statement.”

But the important parts happen now. This next step. This repairing of the breach. What needs to happen?

1). The white person needs to calm down. Breathe. Be ready to listen.

2). Now, listen. For real. For actual.

3). Listen with actual intent on listening, not on solving the problems, not on saving face, not on clearing your name. Just actually listen.

Was that so hard? Probably for some yes. But it is the biggest obstacle in the way of actually understanding the realities of life in America for people of color in 2019. White folks want to jump to the “I’m not racist!” part as quickly as possible because it feels uncomfortable to sit with it, to listen, to learn, to grow. And we cannot do that. We do not have time to just jump ahead to a place we really did not earn to be.

The process is the progress.

So, what was it? Did you say something with a racist history that maybe you did not know about? Did you try to correct your black friends use of grammar or language? Did you voice support for a political candidate or policy that harms and spreads hatred about people of color?

Whatever it was, listen. Get it. Think about it. Do some research later. Educate yourself. That’s key: educate yourself. Do not ask your friends of color to teach you anything, to give you resources, to help you change your ways. This is your work.

What next? An apology? Changed behavior? Sensitivity training? Probably a bit of all three, and probably more. Take a proactive role in this now. Listen to what your friends are telling you about your actions and your words. But then, listen closely — it is about actions and words, it is not about who you are to your core, to your spirit, to your being. This means, hey, they like you and value you, and what’s wrong is something that can be fixed, changed, and grown through.

Actions can change. Ways of speaking can change. Behavior can change.

Connect the Personal to the Political, Always, Immediately

All of this is on an individual, interpersonal, friend-to-friend level. But we have to do more. We have to make our decisions, choices, political preferences, and entire ways of living anti-racist, as well as anti-sexist.

It is all connected. And the primary ways of transformative change involve listening, respect, compassion, kindness, and justice. Why are these things so very hard? Why are they so very controversial?

I was in a Facebook group the other day about spirituality and someone said she was leaving the group because it “got political” — in what way, pray tell, is Jesus somehow not political? Did you read about him? What he did? What he said? What he believed in? Jesus was the most political dude of his day, — he was for justice, he was for ending oppression, he was for equality between men and women, — I mean, why do you think he was crucified? Just for kicks? No, dude was a massive agitator and would be out there today, in the streets, organizing groups to go free innocent brown kids from concentration camps.

People try to separate themselves from larger systems. Their own actions, their behaviors, their words. But it is all connected and it either means you are walking the walk or you are simply a spiritually empty fraud.

Photo by Chris Barbalis on Unsplash

The Process is the Progress

Again I say, the process is the progress. There are resources, there are books, there are important people to follow and learn from. Do it. Do it all. Immerse yourself in understanding the actual history of race and racism in this nation. Embed yourself in practices of compassion, kindness, and spirituality that bring you in tune with the basics of humanity — Buddhism, Nonviolent Communication, New Thought Christianity, Zen, Humanism. Do the things that involve mindfulness and active listening.

Healing the racist wrongs of this nation starts with you. Right now. It starts with dropping your defensiveness. It starts with putting your ego aside. It starts with realizing just how deeply socialized you are into white privilege, white fragility, and whiteness.

And while you are reading up on this, learning this, un-learning things, realize that racism goes deeper than individual words and actions. Realize that it serves functions that you might not even be ready to believe. But, be prepared to believe it. As Toni Morrison said,

The function, the very serious function of racism is distraction. It keeps you from doing your work. It keeps you explaining, over and over again, your reason for being. Somebody says you have no language and you spend twenty years proving that you do. Somebody says your head isn’t shaped properly so you have scientists working on the fact that it is. Somebody says you have no art, so you dredge that up. Somebody says you have no kingdoms, so you dredge that up. None of this is necessary. There will always be one more thing.

Racism has always been at the core of American society and culture. It is one of our founding elements. It is a root system, along with Capitalism and Patriarchy. It is deep.

Racism is used to distract, to scapegoat, to draw attention away, and to divide and conquer, Constantly and with great success. The more you can do in your life, in your day, to stop supporting this system the better. As a white person you will always have white privilege, that is, until the day comes when white people collectively decide to end the structures and systems of oppression that provide us with benefit after benefit while charging people of color with great cost and detriment. That is how a system of oppression works. It’s a teeter-totter, the person on top benefits at the direct expense of the person on the bottom.

It’s time to reach out, take one another by the hand, and get off the see-saw. We can do better. We can find ways to be together that are rooted in equity, respect, fairness, and in actually seeing the realities.

Ending racism does not mean not seeing difference.

It means, as Audre Lorde said, we have to “meet across our differences” and form community and solidarity. Because:

[r]evolution is not a one-time event. It is becoming always vigilant for the smallest opportunity to make a genuine change in established, outgrown responses; for instance, it is learning to address each other’s difference with respect.

Jenny Justice is a mom, Sociology instructor, and writer. You can follow her on Medium and at Jenny Justice, Writer, for more insightful articles, essays on empathy and introversion, and all other things nerdy, kind, spiritual, and informative when it comes to education, parenting, kids, culture, poetry, equality, self and social justice. She has been recognized as a top writer on Medium in the categories of parenting, education, reading, and racism.

Thank you to, and thank you for Michael Farrow