Society

“Hello, Stupid”

Can you please f*ck off, now?

COVID-19 might be the plague of our time, but there’s another “virus” that’s nearly as virulent: Stupidity.

Stupid people are everywhere and they’re multiplying as we speak, like bacteria in a petri dish. They tend to blend in with the other Homo Sapiens scuttling around our planet, so it’s often difficult to spot them, but there are those “Stoops,” who stand out…who deserve special mention. For example, the fools who wear shorts and flipflops even though the weather has dropped into the fifties with a raw and steady drizzle falling from the heavens. I live in the Chicago area and witness this particular form of idiocy all the time. Interestingly, it’s usually men who feel compelled to “dress down” no matter the temperature.

I’ve never understood the “thinking” here. Do these scantily-clad Stoops not feel cold, like the rest of us? And what about those toes?

Please, in October, I don’t want to see your friggin’ toes!

Or how about those jerks who cross busy streets while staring at their phones? As if they’re begging to be eradicated. So tempting, no? But what rational thinker among us wants to be imprisoned for wiping out a Stoop?

Perhaps stupidity is a kind of shield that surrounds these folks like invisible armor. Much like the Teflon President. Slick. Slippery. Impervious to arrows real and imagined.

Trump was down, for God’s sake. He was infected with COVID-19 like many of us were hoping he would, let’s get real here. So why couldn’t he stay down? Because he’s a Stoop of the highest order, that’s why. And they protect their own. While others died, he had access to the best the medical community could provide. And a punk of a doctor who lied.

Yes, the Stoops are everywhere and the rest of us must be vigilant in smoking them out and herding them off to the Bermuda Triangle where they’ll never be seen or heard from again.

They’re here on Medium writing stories about “fart boxes” and bitcoin and losing one’s virginity to a fruit. (I’m not making this up, guys.)

They’re in the grocery line behind you, masks raised so they can blow snot into their hands.

They’re shooting off fireworks in the middle of October for no other reason then they’re…stupid.

They’re cutting you off while driving so they can get to “parts unknown” five seconds sooner.

They’re trolling on Facebook, hacking our friends’ accounts and sending us private messages in order to get their scummy hands on our hard-earned money, the bastards.

They’re at political rallies, sans masks, and huddling asshole-to-elbow with their fellow Stoops so they can support a felonious, treasonous, disgrace of a “human being.”

What happened? I don’t recall thinking like this years ago. I don’t recall feeling like such a misanthrope, nor do I want to be. Certainly, there were stupid people “back in the day,” but as I said, they’ve multiplied and their numbers are vast, and if not stopped, they could very well take over the world. But the good news is, they’re too stupid for that. Let’s hope so, anyway.

Even people who we deem to be intelligent have been infected by the stupidity virus. Take the recent case of the New Yorker’s Jeffrey Toobin, a respected author, and frequent CNN commentator. On several occasions, I’ve enjoyed listening to him lambaste Trump, but something tells me we won’t be seeing much more of Jeffrey, and here’s why: He allegedly exposed himself during a Zoom meeting with his colleagues at the New Yorker and WNYC radio.

Those folks saw a lot more of Jeffrey, more than they bargained for.

Let that sink in a moment. Now, what kind of excuse does one come up with after showing his tids and bits on camera, in a business meeting?

“I was drunk.” “I’m battling depression.” “My wife doesn’t understand me.” “I had an itch.” “I’m a Stoop.”

He’s done. Because of one dumb-ass mistake. Trump will have a field day over this one. One Stoop tweeting about another’s inane behavior.

What do we do? Where do we go to get away from these individuals? Much like with the pandemic, there seems to be precious little respite for stupidity. Should we turn away or confront these idiots? I’m veering toward the latter but we must be ever-cautious of those Stoops who are packing. Of course, they’d probably shoot their toes off, and then what are they going to do with those flip-flops, huh?

Perhaps people need to read more. Put down their phones and actually crack open a book. Go for a run or a walk. Commune with nature. Feed a squirrel or two. Think about others for a change and how their own stupidity impacts the rest of us.

No. That’s naive because as we all know, it’s hard to fix stupid and who has that kind of time?

Maybe Ukraine could use a few more Stoops. After Trump loses and leaves the country as he vehemently stated, he can take some of his inbred supporters with him. And we can relax, for a while, anyway. At least until he brings his orange ass back here, or Putin ships him back, and he launches a reboot of The Apprentice.

I opt for the Bermuda Triangle. You?

© Sherry McGuinn, 2020. All Rights Reserved.

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.

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