Hello! I Have a Brain Injury

I got hit by a car over six years ago, and I’m still not okay.

It was a sunny summer day, and I was on my way home, meeting our landlord for a house inspection. I was less than a mile from home. A new bike lane had just been striped and I took it instead of riding in the middle of the lane like I usually did. There weren’t any cars next to me or immediately behind me.In the oncoming traffic lane, I saw a dark car slowing down, presumably to yield the right of way to me before making a left turn.

But they weren’t yielding to me at all.

The car turned squarely into me. I remember my body and bike going up on the car hood, with my head about to slam against the windshield.

I woke up on the pavement with a bystander near me, telling me she’d called 911 and not to move.

And I haven’t ever been the same since.

I can do a lot more than I used to. But I had a concussion that I’ve not fully recovered from, and probably won’t ever fully recover from.

I didn’t break any bones, but I needed a year of physical therapy for my hip and knee. And I still have some pain from time to time.

The driver was clearly at fault, but given my slow recovery and difficulties navigating the insurance policies, it took four years to settle the insurance case. I did get paid and reimbursed for expenses. It wasn’t an amount of money that changed my whole life, but some financial security, savings, some money to do some fun things.

Everything has gone much, much slower than I could have imagined.

This has not been easy for me. I’m impatient, and I’m used to getting things done when I need to. For example, I started college early and graduated at age 20 with two bachelor’s degrees. I did not manage to do this while maintaining realistic assessments of or expectations for myself.

At the same time, after college, I didn’t overwork. I worked various part-time positions: retail, teaching, professional work. I did not want to work full-time if I could avoid it — and I always have. I’ve prioritized work-life balance, and being involved in unpaid creative pursuits and activism.

Nevertheless, at the time of my injury, I was self-employed in writing, editing, and administrative work, working part-time on my own schedule. And that year, I had just been rejected for the second time from a graduate school program I’d been working steadily to get into — a program I would have had to drop out of if I’d gotten in.

Over six years later, I have a part-time job in an unrelated field that in no way uses my college education. Although I actually love this job, it just doesn’t seem like “what I’m supposed to be doing.” I have a lot more to say about that in the future — who’s telling me what I’m supposed to be doing? Who exactly am I trying to impress?

I do a pretty good job of acting like everything is fine, in most circumstances. So also, most people would not know, upon meeting me, that I still can’t work a full-time job, that I’m sensitive to light, that certain kinds of visual or cognitive focus are especially taxing for me, or that the only reason I got into podcasts was for something to do while I had to lie down with my eyes closed.

By the way, this is a Public Service Announcement: When someone tells you they have a brain injury and details the symptoms they experience, the appropriate response is not “Well, you seem fine to me.” Yes, Steve, I’ve worked very hard to project this level of competence and composure.

Ahem.

I’m giving special attention these days to my ridiculous perfectionism and unrealistic expectations, and trying to put myself in a better mental health position during this catastrophic global pandemic.

So I hope to use this platform to read, write, and try to function better with my broken brain in a broken society.

Because with or without a brain injury, things are never going to be perfect.

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