Hellish Daze
Wish It Were A Phase…
I’m sure every parent has their days, perhaps several consecutive shitty days where you question your very existence. Now, I’m not being completely biased here, ( I hope).but I wonder if moms are more prone to insidious self loathing?
Sometimes we question our right to be a parent, especially when you’re falling down the rabbit hole of ineptitude and inadequacy.
You want to lash out, but you stop yourself. Especially if the only one there is a young child who doesn’t understand why grown-ups sometimes have monsters in their heads eating away at them. This is where we, as adults, need to remind ourselves repeatedly, “ This is my problem. I can’t burden my child with my emotional baggage. Easier said then done though.
I do my best to apologize for my shortcomings. I own up to what I did wrong. It may take awhile for the witch hiding inside me to return back to human, but I will apologize and ask for a hug. If he doesn’t want a hug at the moment, I’ll respect his wish.
This was one of my biggest pet peeves growing up. Why won’t the ones closest to you take responsibility and hold themselves accountable for their actions?
I think apologies must be sincere…genuine. Not just a glib “Sorry, not sorry” tossed your way as an afterthought. Or saying what they think you want to hear, but really, it’s an attempt to make peace in the moment or manipulate you. Or they take responsibility, but offer many reasons why it’s not really their fault.
Well, guess what? If you’re not actually sorry, I don’t want to hear it, nor do I want to hear the myriad of reasons of why we’re on this path yet again.
Show me you’re sorry. Don’t tell me. Actions speak volumes.
I wonder why some people are so slow to learn the hard lessons of life? I must say, at this point in my life, I think I’ve earned a bloody pH.d in the school of hard knocks. Do I wish some things were easier?….is the sky blue?! Of course!
In the past few years, I’ve learned a great deal about myself. It’s been quite the arduous journey. When I left Calgary, I had a feeling of perpetual doom. I sincerely hoped I would be proved wrong, but my intuition was sounding my inner air-raid siren. I wanted to be wrong. I wanted my relationship with my mother to continue to grow. Instead, it crumbled. Leaving me to pick up the pieces once again.
My inner world was in shambles and would continue a downward spiral for the next couple years. But were it not for this and other circumstances, I may have clung to the facade of my relationship with my mother built on lies, half truths and scathing contempt.
I’ve had a few epiphanies, and Aha moments… Along with some moments of “D’oh!” Smacking myself on the forehead like Homer Simpson. I too take a while to learn the lessons of life, because I’m nothing, if not stubborn, or obstinate.
Had it not been for some pivotal people throughout my life, I’m not sure I would have made it. I am forever grateful to them and I hope I can pay this favor forward to someone who needs help in the future.
