Heart of Gold

Dang.

You’ve got every right to block my phone but I wish you hadn’t. I can’t even be mad. In your position, I’d do the exact same thing. Still. Hit me if you want, my phone is always on.

What a masterful painter he was. I know that’s the man you fell for, too. Would have run after him without even stopping to tie your own shoes, and that’s something I wish you didn’t do. I don’t know if anybody ever told you that you have a heart of gold, but that’s what I know about you. Of all the things he said, that’s something I know to be true, because I’m friends with other people who know you.

You used to fly like me, strong and fast, light on your feet, old friend said you were cool with people on and off the track team. I’d ask what happened to you but I know: it’s the same thing that happened to me. Crazy how things work out, how he goes for the same kinda girl, and he always had your name in his mouth, I know he was your whole world and he said that’s exactly why he left you. That you made him God in your life, but that’s just one of many things that aren’t true.

Through him, that’s how I first got to know you, he painted moving pictures for me, always seemed to throw you under the bus but he’d make it sound pretty. Said he lived in the suburbs but always met me in the city and I never really understood why. But how quickly he called other people liars when he had his own things to hide.

And I tried so many times to step to the side, I even hit you with a message, said he’s yours if you want him cause he ain’t mine, but I said that so many times. And I wonder how many times you told yourself that it would be the last time. I don’t gamble, but anybody could have made some money off of me, a dollar every time I swore I would but then I didn’t leave, Said I don’t play games, said this is the last time that I’ll let a man disrespect me, then I’d block his phone until I felt like I was strong enough to talk, but I was a self-fulfilling prophecy, he said: “you’ll come back to me.”

Shoot. I think I might have been the first woman to leave, he always made sure I knew, he said “my exes would get back with me.” He posted pictures of us, then said friends said he was buggin, all up on me, said that I was fine, but broken up, he thinks I’m ugly. Said he didn’t go for pretty women. Cute kids, though, so way to drag the mother of your children.

I remember that one time I met you in the winter, you were dropping off the kids, eyes cold, pain dripping from the words I saw you struggle to spit out. Who did he turn you into before things went south?

And that’s why I wanna talk, hit me up, hear me out. I’ve got brothers, not by blood but still, protective of me, not a doubt. They were mad as hell when I found the strength to spit it out, told them what he said and did, and girl, they aired your baby father out. That’s the difference between you and me. Not the way we look dolled up or in between the sheets. I have brothers and there was a time when they would have shot or killed for me. They don’t want me with a man unless he is the best for me. I’m brave but I’m not reckless, so there are things that I won’t say, not online anyway, this is not the right place, but truth be told, I know the truth about you, that you’ve got a heart of gold so I won’t put this on you the way other people do. It’s not like you knew any different and it’s only cause I’m out that I can even see the truth. You need to heal, not for him but for you. I hope one day you’ll see the truth in the mirror looking back at you, that heart of gold’s something no man can ever take away from you.