Heard Any Juicy Gossip Lately? Oh, Do We Love to Hear It!

Why it’s so compelling to talk about folks who aren’t present.

Like last night.

I was on a church-sponsored ‘Inner Listening’ Zoom call. Inner Listening is a process where we pose questions to Spirit about our lives, and then spend a half hour listening and writing perceived answers in meditative silence. Afterward, there’s time to share the wisdom we received if we so choose.

As soon as we ended the formal process, my friend Sally asked me what I thought about the moment one of our attendees whom I’ll call Vanessa jumped off the call.

Vanessa did the personal writing we all did, in answer to questions we posed to Spirit. One of her questions was quite provocative and a bit passive-aggressive. She asked something like, Why am I so under-appreciated in certain communities?

Hearing her read that question felt like a dig at us for not appreciating her more. Especially given the clipped tone with which she spoke. When it came time to share what we each wrote, she said she didn’t want to and was leaving.

Which she did.

The rest of us read, and we officially ended the call with a prayer.

After that, three of us lingered on for a bit. And I have to admit, I was as curious as my friends were about Vanessa’s behavior and wanted to hear their takes on it as much as they wanted to hear mine.

But Vanessa wasn’t there.

So when we speculated as to why she got off the call and what she was thinking and feeling, was that gossip?

Isn’t that what gossip is? Talking about someone who’s not present for the conversation.

Merriam-Webster defines gossip as a rumor or report of an intimate nature. Furthermore, a gossip is a person who habitually reveals personal or sensational facts about others.

The stereotypical gossip subjects are who’s sleeping with whom, especially if adultery or infidelity’s involved. That’s what makes the gossip ‘juicy,’ right? The more sensational, the better, in terms of entertainment value. Which may be why we do it.

It certainly explains the popularity of celebrity gossip magazines and programs. Cher’s lover is how many years younger than she is? Who’s getting breast augmentations, and who’s getting arrested? I took a quick look, but outside of Kim Kardashian and Bianca, I’m not familiar with any of the names. Sorry. Hate to disappoint.

But why else might we gossip?

It makes me feel important. At least in the moment. Not when I reflect back on it later as I’m doing now.

In the moment, I can feel superior to Vanessa because I would never do some of the things she does. I don’t go around with a chip on my shoulder making sure people know how hurt I am by how they appear to be playing favorites and ignoring my gifts and talents.

This is what Vanessa did last Sunday right after a few of us invited our speaker of the day to teach a class later in the spring. And not Vanessa who’s an ‘expert’ in Nonviolent Communication and would love to be asked to teach a class for us. Only problem is, the last time we did that, she and her co-facilitator had such a time preparing that he gave up, and the class never happened.

Juicy gossip, right? The irony of an NVC expert not being about to work amicably with another NVC expert. Oh, we couldn’t wait to wag our tongues about that!

Sometimes gossip is helpful. We’re warning someone about what they’re getting themselves in for. If a woman has a reputation as a golddigger, would we not warn a man falling head over heels for her?

And if we did, would that be gossip?

Is it only gossip if we talk about the person behind their back? Or if we make up stuff about them, or exaggerate? Or if we’re being malicious.

I think that’s where we’re guilty of gossiping.

Vanessa’s not present. And we don’t stop at just the facts of what she does or says. We attach adjectives ranging from mild like passive-aggressive to strong like b*tchy, and everything in between.

Would we say those things to Vanessa’s face?

Definitely not. Not me anyway. I feel intimidated in her presence, walking on the proverbial eggshells. I pick my conversations with care. Last Sunday after her complaint dump performance, I stuck to discussing how her bright colors cheered me up. Cop out? Chicken? You betcha. Bawk, bawk, bawk!

But I’m not proud of the fact that we couldn’t wait to ‘debrief’ about it. Sure the trigger question was why did I think she jumped off the Zoom call? (Maybe because she wrote frankly about how hurt she felt on Sunday. Or maybe because her Higher Power told her to have love and compassion for herself instead of chiding us for not showing her more love.)

But it soon devolved into her behavior on Sunday.

And one of the three of us on Zoom hadn’t been there on Sunday. Which is why I hesitated to discuss her then and there. We’d be souring our friend who deals with her in another context. That didn’t seem fair. But Sally didn’t figure that out and kept pushing me until I said something. Then she went to town. And I caved in.

I’m not proud of that.

No matter what Vanessa did or did not do, tongue-wagging doesn’t help. And it could make things worse.

What might we have done instead?

Gulp.

Maybe engage with Vanessa directly about the issues she raised. Let her know we see and hear her. That she’s a valued member of our community. But her tone of voice makes it hard to engage meaningfully with her. Some of us in fact, feel bullied.

Yikes! Would we go that far? Would I? Even if that’s how I feel?

At the moment, I can’t imagine speaking that frankly.

But I can pray about this and let Spirit guide me as to what, if anything, I might do coming from love. And maybe that’s the biggest reason to shift away from gossip. It doesn’t fill our hearts with love.

So let me start with prayer…I’ll keep you posted. And if any of you have experience, strength, or wisdom to share on this, please do! Thanks in advance. I look forward to hearing from you.