avatarKara Summers

Summary

The author describes healing from abuse as a non-linear process akin to a rollercoaster ride, emphasizing the importance of self-compassion during the unpredictable and emotional journey.

Abstract

The article discusses the personal experience of healing from a lifetime of abusive relationships, including a recent breakup and a childhood with a narcissistic parent. The author highlights that the healing process does not follow a predictable path, but rather consists of ups and downs that can fluctuate rapidly, even within a single day. They explore the idea that healing is not a straightforward journey with a clear destination, but more like a rollercoaster with unforeseen drops and climbs. The author also addresses the societal pressure to heal within a certain timeframe and the realization that time works differently for everyone. They stress the significance of feeling and accepting all emotions, especially after suppressing them during an abusive relationship. The concept of self-help and self-improvement is also examined, with the author learning that self-compassion is crucial, especially on days when progress feels non-existent. The article concludes with a quote on the transformation of pain and the understanding that some things may not heal in the expected ways.

Opinions

  • Healing from abuse is unpredictable and non-linear, unlike the stages of grief which suggest a clear progression.
  • The healing process can be lengthy and does not adhere to a uniform timeline across individuals.
  • It is important to recognize and accept the full range of emotions during recovery, rather than just focusing on positive mindsets.
  • Self-help advice may not always be applicable to those in the midst of trauma or abuse recovery, as it often assumes a level of stability and forward momentum that may not be present.
  • Self-compassion is a vital component of healing, particularly on difficult days when one feels they are regressing rather than progressing.
  • The author acknowledges that some aspects of healing may not involve a return to a previous state of being, but rather a transformation of the pain into something else.

Healing Is More Like A Rollercoaster Ride Than A Journey

Have compassion with yourself

Photo by Rodolfo Marques on Unsplash

Six months ago, I embarked on a journey that I never bought a ticket for. At first, I thought it was grief over a break-up. A couple of months later, I came to realise that it was healing from an abusive relationship, and another couple of months after that, I realised that I was healing from a lifetime of abusive relationships as well as a childhood with a narcissistic parent. I knew about the different stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance), but I had no idea what it looked like going through them when you are healing from abuse.

When my ex told me that he wanted to break up, I was in denial. We still saw each other while he decided if he would give me another chance. It was almost like nothing had changed, except that he was less affectionate and didn’t tell me that he loved me anymore.

I tried not to get my hopes up, but secretly I was confident: Who wouldn’t give their soulmate and love of their life another chance to work things out? After a few weeks, he told me he had chosen someone else and I went straight into anger. Clearly, he had lied to me about his feelings. I was glad that I had moved to the next stage so quickly, surely it meant it wouldn’t take me long to get over him…. Fast forward 6 months and I realise that the path of healing is nowhere near as quick or straight forward as I ever imagined.

Moving through the stages isn’t a steady progress, they come and go, often within a single day and just when you think you have made it to the next, you may find yourself right back at the start.

It’s more like a rollercoaster ride

I’ve read a lot about the journey of healing, taken advice from different therapists and online articles and tried a few different tactics and exercises to help me get through it. But the best advice that I ever received was to recognise that it can be unpredictable and non-linear.

When I think about a journey, I can see the goal in the distance, I know where I have to go, where I want to be and I just need to find the right path to get there. No matter which path I choose, whether it’s the backroad or the highway, each step brings me a little closer to the destination and I am fully in control.

But the reality feels more like a rollercoaster ride: I can see the top and climb and climb slowly until I am up there, I rejoice: “I’ve made it”. Sometimes I am up for a few minutes, sometimes hours, sometimes days, and then gravity pulls me down with lightning speed. Sometimes, I feel that I am lower than I have ever been before and I struggle to see the next mountain to climb.

Sometimes, it takes so much energy to climb the smallest hill that I worry I won’t make it. But I know I have to keep pushing, I have to trust that the end goal is there.

Time works at different paces

At first, I was obsessed with timelines. I frantically googled: What was the average time it took to heal? What were the factors and circumstances that influenced it? What was the experience of other people in my situation?

Whenever I came across someone talking in x amount of years I panicked, the thought of still feeling this much pain in a years time was disheartening. I researched extensively on how to speed up the process: I tried therapy, meditation, reading, journaling, exercise, reiki, special vitamins, hypnosis, mindfulness, gratitude exercises — you name it, anything anyone suggested that would help to speed up the process. And while all of these things are great and I do believe they made a difference, the best thing I have learned was that time works differently for everyone.

“It’s okay if you thought you were over it but it hits you all over again. It’s okay to fall apart even after you thought you had it under control. You are not weak. Healing is messy. There is no timeline for healing.”

— @Dianazamoraxox

It’s OK to feel all the emotions

Something else that has helped me immensely is to accept that it’s OK to feel. When you are in an abusive relationship, you quickly learn that your feelings don’t matter, are ridiculous or never compare to what your partner is feeling. You learn to suppress all hurt or anger and try to focus on the positive moments.

Every time I spoke up about something my ex had done, he turned it around on me, made it my fault for being too sensitive or mistrusting his intentions. It quickly turned into a fight where he threatened to leave if I couldn’t “learn to control my anger issues”.

All I focused on was suppressing my “negative” emotions.

When he left, the mindset persisted. Every time I had a major breakdown (which was every day), I felt bad and frustrated for not being able to control them. I used to have such a positive mindset and believed in seeing the good and the learnings in every experience — why did I struggle to feel positive after I escaped something dreadful?

Being able to see the positive in something can be very different from feeling positive about something. I realise now that it’s OK to make time and feel those “negative” emotions when they come along.

Have compassion with yourself

I started reading a lot of self-help books and articles, and while I found them empowering, especially in times of self-doubt and despair, there was something that I realised a lot later: Most of the advice is geared at readers who aren’t currently going through trauma, abuse recovery or grief.

A key message I found across various pieces: “Start now, not tomorrow. Better yourself by 1% every day. Give everything”. But many days, I felt like I was moving backwards instead of forward. I got very impatient and angry with myself for not finding the energy and motivation to “really go for it”. After a week that had felt particularly bad, I told my therapist about my frustration. Usually, she would give me tips or exercises to do for the next week, but in that week her only task for me was: “Have compassion with yourself”

“Sometimes healing comes in a quiet silence or a less shaky breath when you speak. Sometimes it’s the courage to walk outdoors and confront the demons that don’t exist. Sometimes healing comes in the tiny moments that no one ever thinks to say ‘thank you’ for. And sometimes, the best way to heal is to know that there are some things that cannot be healed, won’t be healed or aren’t meant to be healed in the ways we think they are — they’re meant to be channeled and transformed.” — Shahida Arabi

More from Kara Summers:

Psychology
Healing
Love
Life Lessons
Mental Health
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