Healing from Schizophrenia

It may seem impossible, but I promise you there is hope.

For a moment, just imagine everybody knew who you were. That they were all laughing at you or mocking you. Imagine your life was under threat and you didn't know who or what to trust. Try and conceive of being at the center of a hostile universe where your deepest fears are manifested, and you rarely get respite from the disembodied voices that confirm these fears.

The thing is, everyone is a little schizophrenic. I’m sure most of us have experienced paranoid delusions of one kind or another. We are all prone to intrusive thoughts, misinterpretation, and disproportionate fight-or-flight responses. The difference between most people and those who suffer from this debilitating condition is that the 1 percent of the population that has been diagnosed with schizophrenia are at the upper end of a spectrum we can all relate to.

The term schizophrenia is incredibly broad and only loosely refers to a collection of symptoms. There can be as much difference between the psychopathology of schizophrenic individuals as there is between entirely different disorders. Despite this there are trends. I have been dealing with this illness for over 10 years and, over that difficult and illuminating time, I feel I have learned some coping strategies that I hope will be of benefit to others.

A Leap Of Faith

The science fiction writer Philip. k. Dick asks,

“What about the world of a schizophrenic? Maybe it’s as real as our world. Maybe we cannot say that we are in touch with reality and he is not, but should instead say, his reality is so different from ours that he can’t explain his to us, and we can’t explain ours to him. The problem, then, is that if subjective worlds are experienced too differently, there occurs a breakdown in communication … and there is the real illness.”

A schizophrenic’s perception of reality is often far removed from that of most people. True, we are all little portable universes that construct meaning in utterly unique ways, however, most people orient themselves through a shared intuitive grounding in objective reality. Not so for the schizophrenic. An accumulation of often traumatic experiences has shaken the foundation of her perception to such a degree, that they have engendered a self-perpetuating and deleterious belief system. The first step to healing is recognizing you’re ill. This is a lot harder than it sounds and, unfortunately, many people never manage it.

Schizophrenia often gets confused with multiple personality disorder, but the ‘split’ (from the Greek skhizo) here can refer to the disjunct between ‘reality as it is’ and its warped counterpart. The schizophrenic’s life is defined in part by inner conflict. “What should I believe? People I love and trust tell me one thing and my mind tells me another. Am I not to trust the mental faculties that are all I have to make sense of the world?” This is where you have to take a leap of faith. Recognize you are recovering from an illness and that, difficult as it sounds, you cannot always believe what your perception tells you. Having people you trust to help and advise you is essential in such an endeavor.

Trust In Your Support Network

I am incredibly fortunate in the fact that, when I became ill, I had access to professional help. Not only this but I had an incalculable amount of love and support from my family and friends. I know this is not always the case for everyone. Some people find such an illness difficult to deal with: hysteria, mania, mood swings, constant disbelief at reassurances, etc. It truly is a test to stand by someone going through this. Many schizophrenics refuse professional health due to fears that such institutions are somehow part of the conspiracy. It is an insidious and cunning condition. In worst-case scenarios, it can evolve to subsume even family and friends within its disorienting web.

This is where Prescription medication can be helpful. It won't necessarily be the answer, and the withdrawal symptoms when weening off can be devastating, but think of them as tools with which to allow you a little breathing room from your symptoms; as a springboard towards properly addressing your recovery. I would suggest you view psychiatry as a flawed means to an end rather than an exact science (because you'll quickly realize it is certainly not that).

I can't say this more emphatically: If you can recognize you’re ill (which is a huge step) trust, trust, trust your friends. Don’t suffer silently and let your delusions take root and fester. I know, based on my own experience, that this is a lot harder than it sounds. Try, if you can, to believe in their judgment and borrow their shared perception of objective reality. Find solace in the fact that, no matter how divorced your world seems to be from their assurances, they must be right. After all (no matter what you might think) they love you, and what is borne from love can help to vanquish your fears.

Trust in love.

Stop Being A Detective

I hate to say it but, more often than not, your mind is not your friend. I once likened being schizophrenic to being an extremely enthusiastic but terrible detective. You string together disparate connections, referential ideation, misinterpreted meanings, and, with a sprinkle of confirmation bias, all of it materializes into a grand overarching narrative with little ol’ you at the center. Car number plates, the conversation between two bystanders, a certain expression, the lyrics of a song: the detective is always at work, zealously trying to crack an uncrackable case — trying to figure out just what the hell is going on! Despite the terror and dread that often accompanies it, there is a perverse and obsessive pleasure to all this. It is an addiction. In many ways, it could be likened to a malfunctioning machine trying to make sense of its malfunction.

This is not to say that your mind cannot be helpful. After all, it is through the decisions you make that you can beat this illness and such decisions are calculated in the mind. There will be much weighing up of positions and counter positions and this will be unavoidable. It’s part of the process. However, try and take a step back. Observe what your mind is doing and the relationship between these thoughts and your emotions. If you can, practice meditation and get in touch with the aspect of yourself that is simply a pure, nonjudgmental witness to unfolding phenomena.

Try and see that pesky detective in a new light.

You Are Not Special

Ram Dass reports an encounter he had with his brother:

“I remember a moment with my brother, who was in a mental hospital because he was Christ, and he was doing terrible things as Christ, it turns out. […] my brother said, “I don’t understand why I am in a hospital and you are free. You look like a nut”. I said, “Well, you think you’re Christ?” and he said, “Yeah.” And I said, “Well, I think I am Christ too.” He said, “No, you don’t understand.” I said, “That’s why they are locking you up.”

We are all wonderful, unique beings with enormous amounts of potential. In this respect everyone and everything is special. That goes without saying. However, for the schizophrenic, the word takes on a new and dangerous meaning. Through his detective skills and warped perception, his mind has woven a world where he is a sort of chosen one. Manifestations can range from being God’s supreme instrument on earth to being targeted by shadowy and malevolent forces (sometimes both simultaneously). Indeed, one of the voices I used to hear in my head referred to me as “the chosen one” but I was able to view it from a detached perspective and found it kind of ridiculous.

It is important to remember that, in the sense, I have described, you are no more special than anyone else. It can be hard of course but truly acknowledging that within yourself will aid you greatly. We are all divine manifestations of the universe. Try not to get caught in the egocentric trap that places you at the center of such an incredibly diverse and complex world. No matter how assured of this you might be, no matter how evolved you might feel, you are undoubtedly wrong about this.

Look After Your Body and Mind

Foolishly, despite my diagnosis, for a long time, I did not follow this rule. To be brutally honest I only started adhering to it roughly two years ago. I used to take recreational drugs, eat takeaway food, and generally engage in activities that were detrimental to my health. There is a close link between addiction and schizophrenia and in many ways, it is harder for the schizophrenic to abstain from the forms of escape certain substances provisionally offer. The paradox is that often these substances severely worsen symptoms (high-strength cannabis is an example) yet, despite these obvious risks, the desire to take them remains high.

Because an overactive dopamine system may be one cause of the hallucinations and delusions commonly experienced during psychosis, antipsychotic medication is specifically designed to suppress the release of dopamine. Whether it’s coffee, Facebook, or cocaine, a lot of us are just chasing that neurochemical hit. Now imagine your baseline is in deficit. Many addictions can result in the reward system in our brains dispersing up to 10 times the amount of dopamine than normal. This isn't just limited to drugs but also gambling, (which I have also had a serious problem with in the past) so it is obvious why addiction appears prevalent among schizophrenics.

It takes real strength and resilience to replace these things with healthier forms of distraction. To realize that, despite their irresistibility, they will only exacerbate your condition and prevent you from healing. Exercise, meditation, yoga, creativity, communion with nature: all are the central pillars of my convalescence. They are all invaluable and can even offer short-term alleviation from persistent symptoms. But don’t judge yourself if you fall off the path. Trust me I know how difficult it is to motivate yourself with the little resources you have, but try and implement a healthy routine; view things holistically: your biochemistry, your mind and body, and, most importantly, what you put into them. I promise you won't regret it.

Conclusion

I am sure you have gathered that this is not an easy journey. It can be incredibly isolating, disorientating, and frightening. Have faith and believe in the effectiveness of time. If you can harness the incredible strength it takes to take the right steps I have no doubt you will eventually heal. What’s more, suffering is a great teacher. My experience with this illness has taught me an enormous amount about myself. It is not simply negative and, when viewed retrospectively, can even be liberating. Whatever you do not identify with your diagnosis, you are so much more than a label. Whether you use psychiatric or alternative methods (or both) I hope you can supplement your treatment with some of the advice I have given you.

You are not alone.

You are loved.

You will heal.

If you would like to support me directly you can buy me a coffee.

You can also support me by signing up to Medium using my referral link. Not only do you get full access to Medium, but you will be helping me realize my dream of writing creatively full-time!