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2031

Abstract

GREAT WALL OF CHINA IS GONE!”The Great Wall of China —once the longest wall in the world— is no longer so great. Under the radar, Japan has masterfully built a wall whose total length is estimated at 21,197 kilometers — one kilometer longer than China’s wall, which twists through deserts and plains, over mountains and plateaus like a Chinese dragon.As a result, China started extending its not-as-great-as-it-once-was wall overnight, very much over the radar, aiming to beat Japan. Rising to the challenge, Japan still hasn’t stopped building on to its our-wall-is-greater-than-your-wall wall. It’s safe to say no building constructor or mason in China or Japan will be sleeping until they completely run out of bricks, stone blocks, tamped earth, uncut stones, wood, glass, plastic, and paper. Then each will begin building rival great walls on the Moon.“GLOBAL WARMING IS NEUTRALIZED! POOF!”Not like you ever cared but since Taylor took over, global warming is a thing of the past. Now you won’t have to feel bad that you never felt bad about never feeling guilty for never caring about climate change. Russia has taken care of the threat. How did they pull that off? I don’t know how and honestly? You don’t care how. IMPORTANT FACT: Global warming is neutralized only for Russia. For the rest of the world, it’s already too late. Feeling bad now — for still not being able to care? Did that make you care for just a second?“PARALLEL UNIVERSE CONFIRMED!”A parallel universe, also known as an alternate universe, parallel world, parallel dimension, or alternate reality, is no longer hypothetical. Once just a feature of gripping sci-fi stories, physicists have finally found concrete (not to be confused with materials used for building Chinese or Japanese Great Walls) evidence to confirm this theory. No prizes for guess

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ing which two countries are tirelessly competing to build the longest wall in the world — in multiple parallel universes.“TIME’S PERSON OF THE DECADE!”Taylor Alison Swift’s cat, Meredith Grey, was named TIME’s Person of the Decade— making her the first woman cat — or any cat — to appear on a TIME’S Person of the Decade cover since the franchise began in 1927. Meredith Grey — a Scottish fold — is Taylor’s oldest feline child, and you’ve guessed it, she’s named after Ellen Pompeo’s character on Grey’s Anatomy. How in a multiverse can a cat be called a person? Scientists say Taylor was promoted from homosapien status to God status the moment she sang “Tim McGraw.” Likewise, her cat Meredith Grey, was promoted from domesticated species status to homosapien status for her many humanitarian projects and anonymous charity donations.It is noteworthy to mention, while acknowledging the honor, that newly-minted zillionaire Meredith tearfully thanked her (also Tay Tay’s) cat family members Olivia Benson, another Scottish fold, and a Ragdoll named Benjamin Button, of whom one or both of them are anticipated to win the TIME award for the next three decades and move to Blowsoft (previously known as Blowhard) for a happy retirement. In 30 years, Taylor Swift will be a Scottish fold, praised for her many humanitarian projects and anonymous charity donations.TIME’s Person of the Century goes to <a href="undefined">T. Kent Jones</a> for never settling for my version and he would never settle for parallel universe Kent’s version either.<a href="https://medium.com/muddyum/newsletters/muddyums-the-real-dirt">Click here to subscribe to MuddyUm’s newsletter, ‘The Real Dirt’</a><figure id="1559"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*a00H29Xl3LMWPdY9iT0CtA.png"><figcaption>Brand art by David Todd McCarty</figcaption></figure></article></body>

NEWLY-MINTED ZILLIONAIRE

Headlines Taylor Swift Caused You To Overlook

Including but not limited to international

Taylor Swift (aka Tay Tay) | Image Credit: Time

So many astonishing events have happened since Taylor Swift started making music that you’ve started skipping over news stories that aren’t about her and/or her former boyfriends. In the spirit of your enlightenment, here are some of the critical headlines — including but not limited to international — that you may have missed.

“YOUR BOYFRIEND BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

Which boyfriend? Your only boyfriend or so you thought. Spock came to your house on a super chilly Saturday morning, knocked on your door, and rang your bell, at the same time— two years ago. Spock screamed at the top of his lungs, pleading to spend some quality time with you but you never heard him. That’s because you were inside with the TV on at top volume, wearing your favorite purple wireless earbuds, rocking out relentlessly to Tay Tay’s The Red Tour, the one that happened nine years ago, so Spock went home deeply frustrated and then tweeted:

“The final nail in the coffin. #IKnewYouWereTrouble.”

“YOUR CITY’S NAME CHANGED!”

Since Taylor got huge, your city’s name Blowhard —located north-west of Ballarat, in western Victoria, Australia — has been changed, with the unanimous consent (without you) of the population, which stands at 82, as of the 2021 census. The city’s new name? Blowsoft. It should be pointed out the city was once a prominent mining area.

“THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA IS GONE!”

The Great Wall of China —once the longest wall in the world— is no longer so great. Under the radar, Japan has masterfully built a wall whose total length is estimated at 21,197 kilometers — one kilometer longer than China’s wall, which twists through deserts and plains, over mountains and plateaus like a Chinese dragon.

As a result, China started extending its not-as-great-as-it-once-was wall overnight, very much over the radar, aiming to beat Japan. Rising to the challenge, Japan still hasn’t stopped building on to its our-wall-is-greater-than-your-wall wall. It’s safe to say no building constructor or mason in China or Japan will be sleeping until they completely run out of bricks, stone blocks, tamped earth, uncut stones, wood, glass, plastic, and paper. Then each will begin building rival great walls on the Moon.

“GLOBAL WARMING IS NEUTRALIZED! POOF!”

Not like you ever cared but since Taylor took over, global warming is a thing of the past. Now you won’t have to feel bad that you never felt bad about never feeling guilty for never caring about climate change. Russia has taken care of the threat. How did they pull that off? I don’t know how and honestly? You don’t care how. IMPORTANT FACT: Global warming is neutralized only for Russia. For the rest of the world, it’s already too late. Feeling bad now — for still not being able to care? Did that make you care for just a second?

“PARALLEL UNIVERSE CONFIRMED!”

A parallel universe, also known as an alternate universe, parallel world, parallel dimension, or alternate reality, is no longer hypothetical. Once just a feature of gripping sci-fi stories, physicists have finally found concrete (not to be confused with materials used for building Chinese or Japanese Great Walls) evidence to confirm this theory. No prizes for guessing which two countries are tirelessly competing to build the longest wall in the world — in multiple parallel universes.

“TIME’S PERSON OF THE DECADE!”

Taylor Alison Swift’s cat, Meredith Grey, was named TIME’s Person of the Decade— making her the first woman cat — or any cat — to appear on a TIME’S Person of the Decade cover since the franchise began in 1927. Meredith Grey — a Scottish fold — is Taylor’s oldest feline child, and you’ve guessed it, she’s named after Ellen Pompeo’s character on Grey’s Anatomy. How in a multiverse can a cat be called a person? Scientists say Taylor was promoted from homosapien status to God status the moment she sang “Tim McGraw.” Likewise, her cat Meredith Grey, was promoted from domesticated species status to homosapien status for her many humanitarian projects and anonymous charity donations.

It is noteworthy to mention, while acknowledging the honor, that newly-minted zillionaire Meredith tearfully thanked her (also Tay Tay’s) cat family members Olivia Benson, another Scottish fold, and a Ragdoll named Benjamin Button, of whom one or both of them are anticipated to win the TIME award for the next three decades and move to Blowsoft (previously known as Blowhard) for a happy retirement. In 30 years, Taylor Swift will be a Scottish fold, praised for her many humanitarian projects and anonymous charity donations.

TIME’s Person of the Century goes to T. Kent Jones for never settling for my version and he would never settle for parallel universe Kent’s version either.

Click here to subscribe to MuddyUm’s newsletter, ‘The Real Dirt’