Non-Exercise for Elders
He Said Do Not Exercise Try This Program To Discover Where He Is Now
Someday you will wake up and find you are not able to get out of bed but think so what
When I was a wee lad, I nailed a galvanized pipe between twin slash pines — actual tree name — in our backyard. The plan was to do gymnastics on the high bar.
The Jacksonville, Florida version of training for the Olympics, you see. The only landing mat was the grass and zillions of pine needles on the ground. But it was cheap and, with many nails, held my 4th-grade weight.
The routine was to jump up, grab the bar, and do tricks. My favorite was hanging by my legs and swinging back and forth until I got the momentum on the upswing to let loose and drop my feet to the ground.
If that sounds nutso, you have to know me to understand. That was the same backyard where I tried to extract honey from a beehive, a misadventure that resulted in 16 stings on my back.
Years later, when the tree had swallowed the ends of the bar, with rusty nails still showing, I reached up to grab the bar and see what would happen. It still held my weight, added pounds and all. No matter the sales rep's pitch, you would not get that from a thousand-dollar weights device.
Included in the pine tree high bar exercises was the dreaded ‘pullup.’ I was able to do maybe five before I had to drop. So those who advise me to do them now are severely delusional. If, and that’s a big if, I could jump up and grab the bar, I might pull up an inch or two, barely hanging long enough.
Then there are non-bar exercises, like the ‘pushup.’ Let me just say that I don’t get the high-tech, expensive equipment in the gyms if you can drop to the ground and give ‘em twenty.
I once did fifty pushups on a dare in my much younger days. You might ask why, a good question. Trying to show off is the basic answer. Impressing an attractive young woman was the real point. Her cheering me on guaranteed I didn’t crash after 25 or 30.
Running was my main torture, better known as ‘exercise.’ I began with my head held high, taking in the scenery and waving to friends along the way. Gradually, it changed to lowering my head to make sure I didn’t trip on something. I hate to tell you how it goes now. Let’s say running at all would be somewhat of a miracle.
I offer you the Turner Plan. Take the simple survey and submit with $10. We will email you the two-week plan within ten days. If you do not lose two pounds in the first week, one-half of your fee will be refunded. Regardless, you will live long and prosper.
LOL, as they say. I am joking. None of that kind of promotion is allowed in Medium articles, anyway. But who am I kidding? There is no such plan anywhere, no matter what TikTok tells you.
I must be transparent here. The last fellow I sold my program to is now deceased. He overdid it. Or maybe it was that he was 96 years old when he bought it.
Here’s what you need to know. After a certain point, exercise can be hazardous to one’s health.
That is an actual line from what appears to be a reputable publication — third on the Google search ‘Can exercise be bad for you.’ Don’t laugh. How do you research?
I have to admit the article was more about rich kids trying to get athletic scholarships than how much the aged guy with a cane should work out. But having a link makes my point look more valid, right?
Do you recognize these ramblings as humor? I’m not sure I do but digging at the Holier Than Thou Exercise League is fun. Their ads and articles inundate my online feeds. The only ones more annoying are election candidates’ BS.
I guess we’ll have to concede that getting out of the recliner and walking around the apartment a couple of times helps us stay somewhat healthy. However, I make the case that stressing and worrying about doing it are unhealthy trade-offs.
Your assignment, if you are willing to accept it, is to respond with funny comments for which I will clap, maybe 10 or 20 times. Arguments debating my premise, however, will be deleted. You know how that goes.
Look at it this way. I offer you that mental challenge for a good reason. It could be just what you need for today’s exercise. So please do it. You will thank me.