He Is Back

My personal ghost

It might be ridiculous if it is not extremely sad.

He is back. Again. I don’t know what Fate wants to tell me.

Is he my everlasting torture or redemption?

It was a time when I thought he was a friend. A dear one. A loved one. There was a time when he could be a lover. A longed and adored one.

Then he had several misfortunes in his life and changed. He changed so much that it seemed I didn’t know him. Maybe I never knew him. I tried to help him. I supported him. I gave him money. He insisted he would turn them back to me.

Some day.

I did not think he would. Sometimes, I have an inner sense of what would happen. It was the same at that time. I was sure something wrong and ugly had been happening to him. Something inside him was broken.

Was it broken from the very beginning I knew him?

Two years before we met, he had lost his wife. She had been pregnant with their first child. She had a car accident and lost the baby. Complications ensued, and she suffered a pulmonary embolism. And she died.

It was a great tragedy in his life. Maybe it ruined something in his soul. In his mind, too. He did not show this dark side of his character. It was hidden. Maybe it wasn’t there. Maybe he did not know if he had such a shadow side.

But it had been waiting in an ambush.

We had a weird relationship. He insisted that we were soulmates. I could not say it was not true and to disappoint him. He talked about the pure and sacred love we shared. Was it love? For a short period. Then it changed. It became something perverted.

He had clung to me like I was his only salvation.

Yes, I tried to help him to swim through those dark waters. I remember his gaze — vulnerable and at the same time so wild, like the eyes of an animal, captured in a trap. It was the first time I felt I did not know him. The dusk within his soul was yet unrevealed.

He lost his job. It was a well-paid job, and he was very good at it. What happened? He refused to explain to me first. I just stopped asking him about this topic because it made him furious.

It was a red light. It blinded me. It hurt me deeply, but I pretended there was nothing so special. He was frustrated — it was normal to overreact!

Was it normal to yell at me? It wasn’t, but he was a friend of mine. He could be my loved one. My perfect lover. The lover of my soul. If we had time. If he was the man, he pretended.

Then he told me the truth. He had made several wrong and too-risky deals, and his ideal reputation was ruined. He was self-employed, and all he could rely on were his savings. But he put them all on one deal and lost all.

He had just his house, but he refused to sell it and cover the obligations to his customers for penalties.

He sold some personal belongings like expensive watches and jewelry. After that, he sold his car. And his laptop. And his fancy smartphone. He bought a cheap phone with a few euros.

And hid himself in his house.

He ate almost nothing. He did not answer calls and messages. It was a period of ignorance. I did not push him. It was a relief for me, too. Because he was a very insisting friend. He wanted attention. He needed long conversations and deep understanding.

From the distance of time, I figured out we had a toxic relationship. But I was younger and silly.

After some weeks of isolation, he contacted me.

He begged for help. He had some health problems but no health insurance. His financial problems were more than I was informed and from a long time ago.

I gave him money to see a doctor and then paid for the medicines he prescribed. It wasn’t a large sum. I did not mind it. He was a friend of mine. He needed help. I gave him some money for food, too, and for covering some personal expenses.

Then I found he was gambling. I did not know when this started. The result was his total financial collapse.

And he disappeared like a ghost. Then, I did not know the term “ghosting”. After that, I read more about such behavior.

I tried to find some excuses for him. I was afraid someone would harm him because of the money he owed. I was really worried.

But he did not contact me anymore. I felt betrayed. Left. Abandoned.

Friends do not act like this.

I had plenty of time to think. Sleepless nights. Free days when I was not at work. How did we lose each other? For God’s sake when all went on the wrong path? Maybe it was not quite right from the very beginning. The darkness in him was always there. Waiting.

And now he is back.

I saw him two days ago. He is the same guy I know and completely different — not his face, but his eyes. They are the same lovely blue like summer sky and there is so much dusk in them. I cannot decide if they are extremely sad or unbearably bad.

I feel fear when I meet them.

These are the eyes of a desperate person. A person who has nothing to lose. A person who has nothing to dream of.

We had a short conversation and sat in a cafe to drink coffee. I could not withdraw his request to tell me what had happened.

He had left the town. He intended to disappear and escape from the people he owed money. Then he said:

“I could not involve you in this. I wanted to give my back to all in my past. But my past caught me. When my wife passed away I was taking antidepressants. I took bigger doses than it was prescribed. I did the same for the second time. There are illegal ways to buy some. I did not know what had happened but I attacked a person on the street and was imprisoned. My life is a sequel of misfortunes. It would be better if I die.”

He also said he always loved me.

It was not a love.

I do not need such feelings. They are disastrous. He is a disaster.

He asked me for money.

For the last time.

There were so many such “last” occasions. I paid for the coffee and gave him a little sum in cash I had in my pocket.

Then I asked him to forget about me.

I prefer to think of him as my personal ghost.

Thank you for reading my story. If you’d like to see more of my stories, you’re welcome: