He Insinuated That I Left My Boyfriend for Someone “Better”

Why are people eager to make assumptions?

I was at the doctor’s yesterday with a bad case of wheezing following a nasty cold. I’ve been under the care of Dr. R J for some time now, and based on my experience, he seems to have a genuine concern for my health and well-being. For instance, I vividly recall how he went out of his way to have a heart-to-heart conversation with me when I was reentering the scary world of dating post-divorce.

While I appreciate the care and consideration that he has shown me thus far, I am confused as to why he reacted the way he did after a conversation that he initiated.

Like most doctors, mine also has a habit of engaging in small talk with their patients. He usually asks me (benign) questions about what is happening in my life.

In hindsight, they’re mostly about my dating life.

He knew I was in a long-term relationship with another doctor and for the longest time, I got the impression that he was rooting for us. During routine checkups, he’d ask me how my ‘Doctor Guy’ was doing. He’d also inquire about our recent travels and whether we had plans to go away for the holidays.

I never thought much about it because he made me comfortable enough to open up so chalked it up to good bedside manners.

But yesterday, when I told him I was no longer with the ‘Doctor Guy,’ he paused his examination with the stethoscope, curious to know what had happened.

He seemed shocked that I had moved on!

Then he wanted to know more about who I was seeing.

When I told him, his response was: “You jumped ship because you found someone “better.”

Excuse me?

“Better” as in what? “Better” than a doctor or “better” as in a perfect romantic companion?

I mean, I understand that we often share personal and intimate aspects of our lives with our doctors, however, there was something about his demeanor that left me with the lingering sense that lines had been crossed during the visit.

After offering a curt diagnosis and confirmation that my meds would be ready for pick up at the pharmacy, he rather abruptly left the room.

What just happened there? I can understand him being busy but it was lunch time and the office was empty. Maybe I am overthinking this but I feel like something that I said, or more likely, something he assumed ticked him off.

But why?

In every one of my relationships, I’ve always exhausted every avenue for a positive outcome before exiting. Because I know how incredibly painful being left for someone else is. It’s a wound that can be hard to heal, especially when the breakup comes out of the blue.

Sometimes, it is difficult for one person to come to terms with the new reality even when the other has moved on. The latter is what happened in my relationship with ‘Doctor Guy.’

It was not from a lack of communication or even disputes for that matter but rather my ex-boyfriend wasn’t in a place to meet my needs in the relationship. I understood and respected his need for support and space while he pursued his priority which was getting his start-up off the ground, the constant shifting between different roles as a partner, friend, and lover started to become a source of frustration over time.

It is a different kind of heartache when you start to feel utterly alone in a relationship.

After a point, trying to adapt to his needs just was not working out. There were too many broken promises, missed dates, and plans canceled at the very last minute. After 3 years, I’d had enough.

We weren’t in sync anymore — even though he tried to convince me otherwise. But how is it fair to me that I remain available to him with all that is going on in his life?

According to certified life coach, Rebecca Mullen divergent roles within a relationship can result in a lack of synchronicity, giving rise to differing expectations and posing challenges. She explains this with the help of the above graphic: “Notice when you’re both in partner-mode life is full of hearts. But when one of you is in friend-mode while the other is in partner-mode, you’re at cross purposes.”

I knew I wanted more from the relationship and we even talked about it many times to no avail. Finally, it dawned on me that even if he wanted to devote more time to our relationship, he wasn’t in a position to let his desires get in the way of his priorities.

So, I decided to end things.

But I wasn’t going to draw my primary doctor a tic tac toe diagram à la Rebecca Mullen and break it down for him as to why I broke up with ‘Doctor Guy’. Neither do I owe him an explanation as to whether I ‘moved up or down’ concerning whom I date.

Why is it so hard to accept that my ex-boyfriend was just not the right person for me?

More importantly, why did he seem so preoccupied with something that didn’t concern him at all?