He Got What He Wanted
Chronicle of an Open Marriage #3
Hubs is grumpy this morning. No little smiles playing on his face as he taps on his keyboard, communicating with mysterious men about possible hookups. No sweet kisses or hugs as he brings me my coffee. No new, shining husband.
We’re back to the old man— the grumpy one. The ball and chain. I know this person well. Don’t I?
Just last week I was writing about opening our marriage to homosexual sex after decades of hetero monogamy. It’s been a fun and exhilarating ride. But is it true that what goes up must come down? Because that’s what seems to be happening.
He’s had three trysts so far, all with the same man. After the first one, he was euphoric. After the second (which included another man, making a threesome), he was very happy. But after the third, he seemed disappointed. And that’s the mood that’s persisting.
I imagine it’s a lot to process. After being bi-curious as a teen and young adult, he formed his first relationship with me, a woman, at age 21, and that’s where he’s been ever since. Now he’s in his 60’s and finally investigating those urges. But how could the reality possibly live up to 40 years of imagining?
The date, for one, wasn’t quite as advertised. Hubs hoped he would turn out to be a regular partner, but now thinks they aren’t a good match. And honestly, our own experience notwithstanding, isn’t it a little unrealistic to expect your very first date to be a good long-term partner? Not everyone can be as wonderful as I am. :p
Then there’s the fantasy vs. reality situation. My personal comedown was extremely hard. After being raised to believe in true love and Disney princesses, finding out the reality was date rape and egregious sexism in college classrooms (and the world in general) was enough to bring on a nervous breakdown in my 20s. Just because Hubs’ awakening was delayed 40 years by our perfectly-imperfect marriage doesn’t mean it will be any less difficult.
Was he thinking homosexual sex would complete him? Was he expecting a cure for all his ills? If he was, I wouldn’t blame him. That’s what I was hoping.
But I don’t actually know what he’s thinking, because he’s not talking about it, as usual. I’m just projecting. Also as usual. Our counselor told us both to stop doing those things.
If not completely transformed by these life-changing experiences, at least Hubs is a little more self aware. When his bad mood first showed itself yesterday, I called him on it. “You have an obligation to be decent to me, no matter how you are feeling.”
“I guess we shouldn’t skip counseling,” he answered with a wan smile. “I turn into a monster.”
This is kind of hilarious since we’ve only seen “our” counselor twice, via Zoom, plus a 15-minute intake interview. Now we both trust him with our lives.
And we didn’t skip a session, by the way. He took time off for the holidays. We’re both looking forward to talking to him next week.
Later, Hubs gave out a bit of snark again. And again, I called him on it. “I think I’m just in a mood,” he said. “Maybe I’m bipolar.”
I don’t think he’s bipolar, but I’m impressed to hear this small snippet of introspection after nothing but crickets for 40 years. Hubs may be the only person in America who has never read a self help book. Then last week the counselor asked him to read one by a man with Asperger’s who changed his behaviors to improve his marriage.
That might give you some idea of what we’re working with here.
Anyway, I’m not sure why I’m writing this update. We haven’t abandoned the experiment. There’s nothing sexy or titillating to report. Hubs has a new man on the hook, and will be meeting up with him in early January.
Maybe he’ll be the one with the magic.
What happened next? Read Chronicle of an Open Marriage #4. Find all of my stories about opening our marriage on the list below, or about sex in general on this one. Get an email whenever I publish. Huzzah!
