avatarNARCISSISTIC ABUSE SURVIVOR

Summary

The article discusses the emotional dynamics post-breakup with a narcissist, emphasizing that narcissists do not actually hate their ex-partners but instead struggle with self-hatred and envy.

Abstract

The article delves into the complex feelings a narcissist may have after ending a relationship, suggesting that contrary to the belief that they despise their ex-partners, narcissists are often projecting their own self-hatred and insecurities. It explains the narcissistic cycle of abuse, including the discard phase, and how the narcissist's behavior is a reflection of their internal turmoil rather than a true dislike for their former partner. The author shares personal experiences to illustrate how narcissists may envy the freedom and success of others, leading to devaluation and eventual discard. The article aims to provide insight and reassurance to those who have been devalued and discarded by a narcissist, encouraging them to recognize their own worth and the narcissist's issues as separate from their own value as a person.

Opinions

  • The author believes that narcissists suffer from deep-rooted shame and self-hatred, which they project onto others as a coping mechanism.
  • Narcissists are seen as "tortured souls" who cannot be truly happy due to their internal struggles with shame and self-deprecation.
  • The article suggests that narcissists may envy their partner's success and freedom, which can lead to resentment and ultimately the end of the relationship.
  • The author emphasizes that being discarded by a narcissist can be a positive turning point, as it reveals the truth about the narcissist's feelings and allows the non-narcissistic partner to move forward with self-awareness and healing.
  • The author encourages readers to value themselves and their abilities, despite the narcissist's attempts to devalue them during the relationship.
  • The article asserts that narcissists are not capable of genuine happiness and often feel threatened by their partner's achievements, which can cause them to undermine the relationship.
  • The author offers solidarity and support to others who have experienced narcissistic abuse, advocating for a safe space to discuss and heal from such experiences.

He Didn’t Hate Me After All; How a Narcissist Really Feels About You Post-Breakup

Your damaged sense of self might not be able to see this clearly just yet, but the narcissist doesn’t despise you. In fact, it’s the complete opposite…

Photo by omid bonyadian on Unsplash

It’s the type of thing that only happens on a trending Netflix series. Two people meet and fall in love. Everything is going great; they are living the American dream. And then one day out of nowhere, one of them is completely abandoned by their supposed true love. What a sad story.

Only this isn’t some streaming show unfolding. It is your real life playing out and you cannot believe this sort of thing has happened to you. Being devalued and discarded by a narcissist is one depressing let down in life. A revelation that the person you trusted is not who they pretended to be is such a surreal experience. You feel like you are in some poorly acted Lifetime movie complete with a checklist script of all the clichés that you have endured.

Let me guess — you were left abandoned with a broken heart full of unanswered questions. You feel like they absolutely despise you at this point. I mean, am I right? If someone really loved you as much as you love them, how could they have done this to you? Why does it seem like they loved you one day and harbor such deep hatred for you the next? It doesn’t make any sense! I know friend, I have been there. And now I am going to help you to finally make sense of the narcissist jumping ship.

Photo by Arif Riyanto on Unsplash

The discard phase is the last phase in the narcissistic cycle of abuse (unless they decide to hoover you, but not all narcs will). You never hear from them again, and no matter how many times you attempt to seek closure, they never provide any. But this is not the point in the relationship when you started questioning yourself. No, you suspected something had changed awhile ago. Because before they dumped you (that’s a mild way of putting it), you felt invisible. Right? You noticed they became less and even less interested in you the more you shared with them. Perhaps you even felt as if they resented you? A-ha! Guess what? They did!

Being discarded by a person suffering with Narcissistic Personality Disorder sends you in a downward spiral of endless despair. You don’t know what changed and you can’t figure out why they now hate you all of a sudden. They treated you as if you were an annoying barfly they could not get rid of. Their “love” was replaced with contempt and utter disdain for you. Your habits, your hobbies, even your appearance — all things they once found endearing now suddenly annoy the crap out of them.

PLOT TWIST: They don’t resent you; they are hating on themselves!

I know, we just flipped the script! Even though this revelation problaby won’t change the outcome of your situation, I guarantee it will relieve you of the self-doubt you have been harboring on account of their treatment of you.

Friend, you have to understand something about narcissistic individuals. They are tortured souls. They can never, ever be truly happy because they suffer from deep-rooted shame that they cannot comprehend. Shame has been described as a central emotion in narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). The unfortunate reality a narcissist lives is overflowing with so much self-hatred and self-deprication that they are suffocated by it. Projecting their feelings onto others is a release for them. They may not realize it, but using this release mechanism allows them to take a breather. For a brief moment in time, when they are projecting resentment onto you, it makes them feel better about their self perception. Also, they cannot stand to see others succeed, including you! The success of others casts a spotlight on their shortcomings — but only in their mind. That’s why whenever you seek their support for your accomplishments you will always wind up disappointed.

Now I know what you are thinking, “Yeah, yeah I have read fifty other similar articles telling me the same thing. But I can’t shake the fact that my narcissist really just doesn’t like me anymore. They just fell out of love with me.”

Perhaps a personal experience can make you see the light:

I don’t mean to brag but, I’m the all-American girl, ok? I am every guy’s dream. You need to recognize how great of a person you are too. There’s nothing wrong with speaking positivity over yourself. In fact, it is a necessity, especially post narc discard! Back to what I was saying — any guy would be thrilled to have me in their life. I’m a good person. I have a good job. I am attractive; I have talent. I have a great sense of humor and adventure. I love all animals; I’m a dog person and I love sports. If after check-marking all of your fantastic qualities I’m sure you have also wondered: why doesn’t he love me anymore?

Come on, ladies. Let’s get real! What guy wouldn’t want a happy and successful girlfriend?! Or vice versa? Whatever your preferred identity, what type of individual wouldn’t want another happy, successful person to share love and life with?

A JEALOUS ONE.

ENVY. THAT IS THE SMOKING GUN.

“No, that can’t be it. He’s not jealous of me. There is nothing to be jealous of!” Yeah, I thought the same thing once too. But don’t sell yourself short, friend! There is probably plenty for the pwNPD to envy about your life; things you may not have realized could cause another person to turn green with jealousy.

Here’s that personal experience I promised:

The narcissist in my life has enjoyed much success professionally. In that respect, we were on two different planes. I mean, he was signing autographs while I was clocking out of my desk job at 5pm on a daily basis. I know- it seems like I would be the jealous one in the situation, right? Only I wasn’t. I admired him so much. He also excelled in other areas of life where I was always trying to play catch up. And I was okay with that. When things were good between us, his lifestyle motivated me to seek more in my own life. But he had everything: he was successful, had a great house, cars, a dream career, side hustles, money in the bank. Me? I mean, I could pay my bills with my day job but I never achieved his level of success. So it never occurred to me that he could ever feel envious toward me.

Friend, it may not seem like it right now if your discard wounds are fresh. But here is why being discarded is a good thing: it reveals the truth. When I finally had enough of questioning and doubting myself day after day, ruminating over every conversation or situation that had taken place, all of a sudden the curtain was peeled back and I saw my reality:

My narc knew I was capable of an equally successful career in his field. He encouraged me until he realized I could surpass him. He also had obligations that I did not. I was free. He wasn’t. You know, society frowns upon the 9–5 lifestyle. But it has its perks. Maintaining a consistent work schedule allows for planning other things in life. You are better able to keep commitments. And if you work from home like I do, you have the freedom and flexibility that a lot of people don’t understand, yet devalue and judge you for instead.

The person suffering from NPD in my life devalued me and undermined my zest for life. That’s when I realized — “Wait a minute. He doesn’t hate me. He’s jealous of me! He wishes he had the freedom to live life the way I do.”

I can go to a theme park smack in the middle of the work week if I want. I can juggle side hustles via social media while maintaining a full-time job. I can RSVP to family events months in advance. I’m busier more on my days off than my work days yet I still find the time to make for friends and family. The narcissist in my life had a career that prevented him from enjoying the abilities and freedoms I could offer. Another conundrum: narcissistic partners don’t like sharing the spotlight. I noticed him growing impatient and downright mad if I were the center of attention. There were times during occupational conversations when he’d assert himself above me, literally telling me I had no business talking to him about his work. Instead of appreciating everything about me, how much loved and supported him, he allowed his narcissistic jealousy to ruin everything.

I guarantee envy plays a major part in the role of your narcissistic breakup as well. Hang on. It gets easier.

Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash

It’s hard to admit I wasn’t educated enough to see through the narcissists’ evil ways. But it’s even harder to withhold these experiences because I know there are other empathetic persons out there who feel just as lost and broken as I did. Let’s create a safe space to discuss our pain points and our healing. Please clap and comment if this article helped you in any way, or if you’d like to read similar articles of mine. Because trust me, I have A LOT to share when it comes to surviving NPD abuse!

For now, take care, friend and God bless.

DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. I AM A SURVIVOR OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE WHO HOPES TO HELP OTHER VICTIMS/SURVIVORS ON THEIR JOURNEY TO HEALING. I’M HERE IF YOU NEED TO TALK.

Narcissism
Breakups
Relationships
Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic Personality
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