Have Your Integrity Front And Center

It’s not about always behaving perfectly, but more about leaving no room for compromise.

When I was quite a young teacher I had a boy in my class who was invariably late for school. Sometimes he could be as late as one hour, and that is almost always the time in the classroom where important information, or teaching, takes place.

As the eldest of five children, his father was in the army and often away from home. I felt for the mother. She seemed constantly on edge, as was her young son. He would slope into the classroom, and though I greeted him and quickly explained what he had missed, without judgement, I could sense his lack of confidence. I had to find a way to help.

So I put it to the class one morning that, rather than finding humor in the situation, which they quietly did, perhaps we could offer the hand of kindness instead. I talked about the fact that his dad was away a lot, that his mom had four other children to care for, and that helping him would be the way to go.

We tossed around some ideas, but then one student suggested we clap when he arrived in class. Of course it had to be a kind clap, a supportive one, and I would suitably affirm him and help him to catch up on instruction missed.

Bear in mind that this is the precis of our plan. There were lots of…how would it be if your dad wasn’t at home a lot? What if your dad wasn’t able to be with you for sports training? I had to be careful that there was no blame game in what I was suggesting.

I also had a quiet chat with David about the reasons for his being late…waiting for his siblings, or his mom to make lunches, or because…so many reasons that we don’t have to dive into here.

I gave him some strategies for helping his mom. As the eldest he could maybe take charge of breakfast, help pack school bags the night before, and also fill lunch boxes up the night before so that all they would need was the sandwich.Time-saving strategies.

I also added that I had a few siblings, so I understood his dilemma.

The next day David arrived, still late, but we clapped nonetheless. We clapped because he’d made it to school. One of the students asked if he could help David with whatever instruction he has missed (staged of course), but it was something of an ice-breaker.

The next day David was not so late, and not so late the next, and the next, and the closer he got to making it to school on time, the greater was our cheer.

Gradually David began to arrive at school on time, and his mom wrote a little note of thanks to me.

Soon his father came home on leave and being an army boy, had the children up at the crack of dawn, and to school on time.

But he was a man on a mission. For the first time in my career I had a complaint laid against me. He was not impressed about my making fun of his son, who had happily told his dad about the clapping. The backstory of this was all explained in depth to my principal at the time and she was perfectly happy with all that had occurred and reported this back to the father.

Imagine my luck when towards the end of the year, he was one of the parent volunteers on our school camp, a four day, three-night camp, where parents and teachers really got to know each other when the students were in bed, and the adults could relax.

It actually was a great few days, but the last night is etched in my memory. The conversation had turned to why and how we can apologize when we get things wrong, or have acted without discretion, or when we have simply misinterpreted a situation.

“But what about when it involves children?” someone asked. I suggested that not only is it the right thing to do, but we owe it to children when we get things wrong, to accept our failure and apologize. That way they can see that our values are aligned with integrity.

“No,” said the father vehemently. ‘In my house I am always correct. I don’t apologize to children and I never will.”

“We may be adults,” I answered quietly, “but that doesn’t mean that we are always correct.”

But he was firm, aggressively so, and I quickly pulled my horns in. But in the moment I could see why his children, and his wife, were somewhat submissive. We can only hope that the student learned something from the kindness within my classroom.

The reality is that even the best parent gives way to anger or frustration at times. I can’t speak for others, but on the occasions when I have reacted poorly, I can’t wait to say sorry, to explain that I could have handled things differently, to ask for forgiveness, and to make things better.

As parents, we are the teachers, and our children, at times our hapless students. How we model ourselves to our children will largely proclaim the adults they become. They won’t necessarily recall all our parental indiscretions, but they will remember how they felt at times.

One student I taught around the same time as David, came into school one day and announced that her mom had been caught speeding…’but my dad (a policemen), got her off,’ she added. Sometimes there are no words, certainly not at that time…

That same student had so many stories about her father yelling obscenities at drivers on the road, and going through red lights when driving in the country when nobody was around.

“Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching.”

My favorite boss of all times wrote the book on integrity. Instead of looking for accolades for herself, she worked tirelessly to promote each and every teacher under her management, highlighting their talents, whilst minimizing her own.

The result of that was a happy staff, that all wanted to improve, to be better teachers, better confidants, happy colleagues, teachers who wanted to learn more, and to try different methodologies. The effect that had on our students was palpable.

Ours was such a joyous school.

People with integrity have no need for power. And yet, they are the perfect leaders. Anyone with integrity has no need to stand above others. Respect and encouragement are the direct route to success.

My favorite quote on this is:

‘Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.’