Cube wars

Have You Had It With Your Passive-Aggressive Co-Worker?

Sometimes, they really are out to get you. Here’s how to head them off before they make your head explode.

It’s easy to fight off passive-aggressive people in your regular life. You can ignore them, confront them, or throw your own passive-aggression on them. You can even tell them to buzz off if that makes you feel better.

But at work, it’s trickier. You share the work grind with these people all week long and telling a co-worker to bite the big one could easily bite you back.

Telling your cube mate to suck it on Monday morning guarantees a miserable week ahead.

Google defines passive-aggressive as “a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials.”

Psychology defines passive-aggressive individuals as those who never learned to assert themselves so they don’t know how to stand up for themselves. They’re terrified of confrontation, so they go to great lengths to avoid one.

That sounds fine and good, but the problem here is that you’re not sharing your cube with a third-grader. You’re dealing with a grown-ass adult who’s harshing your work vibes.

This article does not intend to insult anyone with mental health issues. Psychologists recognize passive-aggression as a feature of other mental health disorders, but not an illness in and of itself.

Recognize It

Literally behavior that’s belligerent but exhibited passively, such as with sarcastic humor or refusal to speak, passive-aggression can occur when you piss someone off but they lack the balls to tell you directly that they’re angry.

They won’t admit they’re mad but avoid people they don’t like, gossip about co-workers, and leave you a note rather than talking to you. They operate behind your back and when confronted, they’ll tell you they didn’t mean it or they couldn’t help it.

It’s frustrating because you know the truth. They knew exactly what they did and why they did it when they:

· Withheld information you needed to complete a project

· Refused to commit on a completion date

· Copied the boss on an email reply

· Spread rumors about you

· Congratulated you to your face and then dogged you to other co-workers

· Downplayed your team’s achievements

· Gave you a back-handed compliment

· Sabotaged your proposal

· Played the victim when you confronted them

· Blamed you or someone else for not completing their deadline

· Told the boss the opposite of what they said to you

· Shot down everyone’s input in a meeting

· Pushed back against a company change

· Replied sarcastically to a benign question

· Lied to you

Address It

Passive-aggression makes for misery in the workplace because it’s sneaky and shady by nature, hiding in the shadows to blindside you when you least expect it.

Recognize and admit your contribution to the situation. Ask yourself if you caused the aggression. Were you rude? Dismissive? Did you bully your co-worker or embarrass them?If you disrespected your co-worker, apologize.

The passive part of the equation stems from fear. Fear of confrontation, fear of reprisal, fear of ridicule, fear of telling someone how they really feel.

Few of us work for the sake of working. We’re here to earn a living and it’s damn hard enough to worry about why you have to work without having to worry about an asshole co-worker.

Confront The Awkward

No one needs the additional tension of a difficult work relationship but because passive-aggressive behavior is negative behavior, it affects the entire office. If you don’t address passive-aggressiveness, you’re condoning it so learn to confront it when you see it.

Try for a semi-private meeting. Closing doors when you’re not the manager adds additional drama to an already stressful situation. You want separation but within earshot of others to avoid misunderstandings.

Here are a few tips to help you confront a passive-aggressive co-worker:

Be Honest. As previously noted, if you caused the upset, then own it. Few managers or co-workers will rally your cause if you started it and won’t acknowledge your part in it. Suck it up and say you’re sorry.

Be Calm. Don’t approach your co-worker when you’re emotional about the situation. Focus on controlling yourself and approach them calmly. Say you want to address the issue because you want to preserve your working relationship. Don’t react to any emotional outbursts. Try your very best to not become defensive. Also, if you’re not the manager, don’t act like one.

Be Receptive. Keep a peaceful demeanor and listen to your colleague. You want to model the same professional behavior you’d like to receive, so be aware of your tone of voice, your verbal communication, and your body language. Remember, they reacted passively to something that angered them, so they’re likely fearful or uncertain.

Be Helpful. Passive-aggressive people have trouble verbalizing their frustrations. Help them out: Let them tell you why they’re upset, listen to them, and try to offer a mutually beneficial solution. If they’re pissed because your heater is running all day, offer to turn it down or off, or move it so they’re more comfortable. Being right or wrong is not the point of this conversation. You want to work out an effective solution so you can work together without tension.

Move Forward

After you talk to your co-worker, make a brief note about the conversation and keep it somewhere safe in case you need it for future reference. Note the date, time, circumstance, and what was discussed. Then, get back to work. Act like nothing happened. Forgive and forget.

No one likes a negative, conniving, manipulative, sour office mate and most people don’t think of themselves as such.

Passive-aggressive co-workers aren’t inherently bad people; they just don’t always know how to express themselves. Talking with them provides an opportunity to speak their mind and resolve the the issue. If it doesn’t, your next step is manager intervention.

We’re all guilty of showing some passive-aggression now and then, but when there’s a persistent negative attitude in the office, it leads to a toxic work environment that affects everyone. Respect your fellow co-workers and make sure they respect you, too. Cube life isn’t always easy, but if you practice consideration and mutual respect, you can forge new relationships, and maybe make a few friends along the way.