Have You Been Betrayed? Pt. 2
The 5 action steps I took to ease the pain.
In my earlier post, I discussed what I learned by being betrayed by someone close to me. It was painful. In this story, I am going to jump right in and give you the concrete steps I took to find a better place.
My 5 Action Steps
Here is where my rubber hits the road. These are the things that have helped me ease the pain and passed the time while I was healing. The process, of course, continues. I am not out of the woods yet. But these are a few wonderful things that place salve on my wounded soul.
One — Take cold showers.
Yes, I know it sounds strange. But taking the frigid plunge every morning helps to settle my mind. The way I understand this is that when we expose our bodies to the cold, the thinking part of our brain shuts down. Your body goes into something of a mini-survival mode. The part of the brain that creates depressive thoughts, worries, broods, or grieves turns off, or at least, turns down. The body thinks it is under attack and shuts down the part of your brain it doesn’t need anymore. It instead focuses on the survival of the organism — which is you. Wim Hof, The Ice Man, explains the process:
“The cold is your warm friend …. Proper exposure to the cold starts a cascade of health benefits, including the buildup of brown adipose tissue and resultant fat loss, reduced inflammation that facilitates a fortified immune system, balanced hormone levels, improved sleep quality, and the production of endorphins — the feel-good chemicals in the brain that naturally elevate your mood.”
— Wim Hof
I have written about my cold water exposure experience here if you would like a few more details.
Two — Take yourself on dates.
Yes, I go for a “date” with myself, hopefully, once a week. I go somewhere I want to go, with no pressure or expectations to meet, and perhaps to a place I have never been before. It is often somewhere close by, but not always. I spend little or no money on this exercise, but I do spend at least an hour, or maybe two, of my time. It gives me a few moments away from the noise and confusion of my workspace and lets my brain take a mini holiday.
I got the idea of these dates from Julia Cameron. She calls them Artist Dates. Are we not all artists of one sort or another? Cameron explains the dating game this way:
“But what exactly is an artist date? An artist date is a block of time, perhaps two hours weekly, especially set aside and committed to nurturing your creative consciousness, your inner artist. In its most primary form, the artist date is an excursion, a play date that you preplan and defend against all interlopers. You do not take anyone on this artist date but you and your inner artist, a.k.a. your creative child. That means no lovers, friends, spouses, children — no taggers-on of any stripe. If you think this sounds stupid or that you will never be able to afford the time, identify that reaction as resistance. You cannot afford not to find time for artist dates.”
— Julia Cameron
Give it a try. You might be as surprised as I was with the results.
Three — Engage in self-care or pampering.
This is probably a no-brainer but sometimes the easy things to do are not on the top of our to-do lists.
I recently purchased a couple of journals and a set of writing pens because I love journaling. It is pure fun and relaxing for me. It is my simple way to engage in little self-care. I am also looking forward to purchasing a new pocket knife. I am excited because I am a collector of these knives. I have heard through the grapevine that one of my favorite knives is going on sale soon. If that does happen I will purchase it and love the experience while I am at it. In fact, the buying experience may be an upcoming artist date for me.
For you, think about what really gets you excited and happy, and do that thing. Don’t make it about money. For me, it is never about the amount I spend, it is about the amount I receive. Again, I am going to quote Julia Cameron and she calls this process: luxury.
Let me be clear that the luxury I am talking about here has nothing to do with penthouse views, designer clothes, zippy foreign sports cars, or firstclass travel….What gives us true joy? That is the question to ask concerning luxury, and for each of us the answer is very different.
For Berenice, the answer is raspberries, fresh raspberries. She laughs at how easily pleased she is. For the cost of a pint of raspberries, she buys herself an experience of abundance. Sprinkled on cereal, cut up with a peach, poured over a scoop of ice cream. She can buy her abundance at the supermarket and even get it quick frozen if she has to.
— Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way
Four — Meditate.
Yes, I meditate. But not the way you think. I do what Julia Cameron calls the “morning pages” which is perhaps best described as “stream of consciousness writing”. The procedure sounds simple, and it is simple. But the practice takes discipline.
Each morning, grab three 8.5" x 11" sheets of paper and write on them. Yes, that’s it. I write about 750 words each morning about whatever comes to my mind. I just write and write and write and write. I don’t think. I just write.
Fill three pages with the words that flow from your mind into your pen and onto the page. Cameron explains that the morning “pages are meant to be, simply, the act of moving the hand across the page and writing down whatever comes to mind. Nothing is too petty, too silly, too stupid, or too weird to be included.”
It seems almost childish. But my results have been nothing short of amazing. I don’t know how it all works, but by engaging in this practice I rest my mind. But the best part is I get some amazing ideas and answers to some of the most puzzling questions and challenges I am currently facing. It is quite astounding and I recommend you give it a try.
Here is the bad news: it will take some time before you will see any results. It may take a few weeks before you get any “aha” experiences. In my mind, it is still worth the effort. If you are interested I have written about this in more detail here.
Five — Try new things
This is my final last-ditch thought on what you might do. Perhaps, this last suggestion is the best one because that is what I did. I searched. I experimented. I tested. The four previous ideas are what I came up with and I think they are great. They may or may not work for you. But why not start with the methods above?
And if these ideas don’t work, or are only marginally successful, try some other things. Talk with a therapist. Enroll in a yoga class. Take swimming lessons. Start power walking. Read outside of your usual genre. Make a new friend. Go ballroom dancing. Just do something. Lethargy is the enemy of us all when we have had a challenging mental experience.
Conclusion
I know what I have proposed to rid you of the mental pain of betrayal is unconventional and perhaps even ludicrous. The ideas I present are things I would never have done unless I was desperate. And I was desperate. So give them a try…
- Take cold showers.
- Take yourself on a private date.
- Engage in self-care or pampering.
- Meditate through a stream of consciousness writing technique.
- Try something new.
I will end this post the way I ended my last one.
If you have been betrayed I hope your experience was not as difficult as mine was. I pray that is the case for you. But I am healing day by day. I can say with conviction there is light at the end of dark tunnels like these.
All the best… Max