Have We Lost Our Civility?

Remember the days of “yes, ma’am” or “no ma’am” or “thank you, sir”? I do but faintly, and those memories grow fainter by the day. And, no, it’s not because I’m getting older and losing my memory.

We aren’t teaching our children manners, and we aren’t practicing good manners either. Kids imitate our behavior. If we practice civility, our kids in turn practice civility.

Last night, at 9:45 pm, a neighbor set off some bottle rockets or other type of fireworks that mimic the ones you see at the professional shows. You know the ones I mean? The ones that rise high in the sky and burst out?

A neighbor commented on our local neighborhood Facebook page that her house shook from the force. Well, the problem is that it was Sunday night. Many people get up early to go to work, and a few of those who chimed in stated they had an early day ahead of them. For example, the loud booms woke up my next door neighbor whose day starts at 3:00 am and whose scared and nervous dogs wouldn’t let her go back to sleep. She’s not alone either — another neighbor’s day starts at 4:00 am. But, no one apologized. No one stopped the rude behaviour.

Debate amongst the neighbors continued. One neighbor — he was responsible for four hours of continuous fireworks on Saturday night scaring neighborhood dogs and vets suffering from PTSD nearly to death — defensively replied that it wasn’t illegal. And, he was right, but is it courteous? Is this civil behavior? No. It’s not.

I’m not trying to be a killjoy here. But, shouldn’t we draw the line somewhere? Oh, but we do. Often, when we draw that line, we do so as a challenge because all we care about is our own enjoyment, our own concerns.

My job has even imposed — by written contract no less — civility requirements. It’s that important to my employer. And, in today’s social media-driven world, we encounter internet troll after internet troll. Grow a thicker skin, we’re told. But, is that the way to resolve conflict? Doesn’t it just create more conflict?

And, where does it start? At the top? Some of Trump’s tweets, for example, usually aren’t very civil. If he were more civil, would we be more civil? Pursuant to the Institute for Civility in Government, civility is defined as:

Civility is about more than just politeness … It is about disagreeing without disrespect, seeking common ground as a starting point for dialogue about differences, listening past one’s preconceptions, and teaching others to do the same. … But it is political, too, in the sense that it is about negotiating interpersonal power such that everyone’s voice is heard, and nobody’s is ignored.

That’s our problem in a nutshell. We no longer seek common ground. Instead, we point fingers and call each other names, or at the very least, we call them “wrong” simply because their opinion doesn’t jive with ours. We don’t want to hear differing voices.

We have political movements that serve to define us by our differences instead of our commonalities. We have politicians and media who add fuel to that fire. This fire divides neighbors. It divides friends. It even divides family.

Is this problem insurmountable? James P. Krehbiel claims we can do something. He states that “The most important skills we can teach our children are how to respect, value, and support other children, especially those who are different from their lifestyle, cultural or religious background, social characteristics, or learning style.” Essentially, we need to teach them to be civil, to have manners, and to learn to accept others for their differences. By teaching our children, we change the future because they are the future.

But, I don’t have kids, you say. No, however, we all can certainly hold the door open for someone. We can thank our waiter or waitress by giving them not just the minimum tip. And, we can use that voice of ours to thank them verbally. A “thank you” can go a long way. We can listen quietly while someone else voices a political opinion that differs from our own opinion.

Sure, my parents taught me old fashioned values. If I treated others rudely, they called me on it. And, I learned by example. My mom still recalls all the little kindnesses my dad performed for others like buying lunch for his co-workers although we didn’t have much money. Also, he would often go without lunch because he would give his lunch money to strangers. This sort of civility is what our culture needs, especially today.

And, yes, I’m not perfect. Catch me in rush hour traffic, and my civility sometimes goes out the window along with a finger or two. I’m by no means proud of those moments. I know I need to practice some patience as well.

Civility can change the world. It can create peace where we now encounter strife and division. We need civility more today than ever.