avatarTrey Hamilton

Summary

The article discusses the complexities and challenges of modern dating, particularly focusing on why men may hesitate to approach women.

Abstract

The article "Have men really stopped approaching women!?" addresses the persistent question of whether men are still initiating contact with women in the dating scene. It suggests that the issue is not that men have stopped approaching but rather that societal and personal dynamics have evolved, leading to a more nuanced situation. The piece explores various reasons for this shift, including the fear of rejection, societal pressures, and the impact of social comparison theory on mate selection. It also touches on the challenges faced by "average" men in the dating world and the influence of media and societal narratives on perceptions of gender roles and relationships. The author emphasizes the importance of mutual respect, clear communication, and equality in addressing these challenges.

Opinions

  • The author believes that the question of men not approaching women is misguided and should instead focus on the quality of men who are approaching.
  • There is a sentiment that women's increased standards and the influence of social comparison lead them to choose more attractive partners, which can discourage other men from approaching.
  • The article posits that rejection and the fear of being labeled as "creepy" or "toxic" deter some men from making advances.
  • It is suggested that modern society's portrayal of men, often as inadequate or problematic, contributes to the hesitation men feel in approaching women.
  • The author criticizes the societal narrative that devalues "average" men and fails to acknowledge the worth of men who may not meet conventional standards of attractiveness or success.
  • The piece argues that equality in dating should involve women being proactive in approaching men, sharing the burden of rejection and initiative.
  • It is highlighted that safety concerns for women are a significant factor in the dynamics of approaching and dating, necessitating caution and clear boundaries.
  • The author calls for a balance in dating dynamics, advocating for mutual respect and safe practices

Have men really stopped approaching women!?

Yes, people are still beating this topic over the head for the millionth time. so let this article be the final nail in the coffin.

Please, FFS.

It’s 2024, and that same tired question is being blasted around social media and various news outlets.

Why don’t men approach women anymore?

(And please — let me stop you there. If you’re on the bandwagon of “i don’t want to be approached,” “we don’t need men,” or “men are useless anyway,”. Stop reading. This ain’t for you. Save your comments for the birds.)

That title and question should really change. Cause it’s not really a question of men not approaching women anymore. It could be more of a question of why some shitty men are still approaching women.

But where are “the good ones”? Where are the men from the rom-coms and reality shows that seem to sweep women off of their feet easily? The ones that some of your happily married friends or friends in successful relationships told you about?

They’re out there; I can promise you that.

1. Being passed up for more attractive men

The idea here is that there are perfectly good men out there who are right for the lady in question. He fits her emotional needs and physical needs with what she finds attractive. But there’s another man; there’s another option that is just slightly more attractive than the original option she had. Imagine having a golden retriever that’s loyal and playful, but then someone offers you a unicorn that does your taxes.

This can be explained by a scientific theory called “Social comparison,” which is a common phenomenon in human relationships, where individuals evaluate themselves based on their perceived similarities and differences with others. In the context of dating and relationships, social comparison can play a significant role in shaping our preferences and decisions.

For example, when a woman encounters two potential partners and perceives one as slightly more attractive than the other, they may be more inclined to choose the more attractive person as a romantic partner. Are there exceptions to this rule? Yes, of course. But on the balance of probability, it is highly unlikely. This is because they may believe that the more attractive partner can offer better benefits in terms of social status, mating opportunities, and resources. A social psychologist, Solomon Asch, put it, “In the sphere of social comparison, we tend to make evaluations in terms of the relative excellence or worth of different objects.” Men fail to approach a woman cause they don’t always have the energy to compete with other men.

Now, I’m not faulting any woman who does this.

This is your prerogative, and it’s your god given right for anyone to go for the best options they can get. But I believe the decision-making process of finding a mate needs to be deeper than how they look. I could be wrong, though.

Studies have shown that people who are perceived as more attractive tend to receive more favorable treatment in various domains, including employment, education, and even in the criminal justice system. This phenomenon is known as the “beauty bias.” For instance, a study published in the Journal of Social Psychology found that people were more likely to forgive attractive individuals for their mistakes than unattractive individuals.

2. Rejection isn’t for everyone.

Unfortunately, not all men are fortified with an iron heart that withstands untold amounts of rejection, and sometimes it gets them to a point where they wonder why they should I even bother.

They are done with being passed up, so they’re done with even making an effort.

Let’s not stop there, though. Social comparison is not limited to physical appearance. People may also compare themselves to others in terms of intelligence, success, or wealth. In these cases, women may seek out partners who they perceive to be smarter, more successful, or more wealthy than themselves. This type of social comparison can lead to a sense of inadequacy or low self-esteem, which in turn can drive people to seek out partners who they believe can help boost their own social status.

I don’t live under a rock. The argument is that women are leveling up, right? They’re raising their standards, right? They’re going for the best men out there cause they’re the best women out there. Go get yours, queen!

Here’s the problem with that logic.

We can’t all date and marry 10s. Yes, I know I’ve drummed that down to its most basic concept, but we can’t. We can’t all date rich, tall, super handsome, super successful, and super awesome men. The math just doesn’t add up.

The problem is modern society has kissed your assed and promised you and pushed you to obtain this kind of man. When what they should be saying is:

“He might be a little out of shape, he might be 5’9” or only make 70k a year (Which is decent money btw). But he’ll love you fearlessly. He’ll be a great husband and loving father and help you raise a good household.

It ain’t sexy. But it ain’t far from the truth.

3. It’s become a nightmare.

Approaching women in western culture can be a nightmare for some men. A lot of men genuinely feel like there are so many entitled women who expect men to do all the major heavy lifting; so many men would rather eat nails than approach a woman. For the men who actually believe in equality, they can’t wrap their brains around the paradigm of dating in the modern world but are still held to the standards of traditional dating that can be found around the same time as Jim Crow laws.

When someone has an entitled attitude, they believe that they are entitled to certain privileges or benefits without having to contribute or reciprocate in a meaningful way. Most men won’t waste their time on this cause they know it creates a power imbalance in the relationship and make the other person feel like they are not valued or respected.

There have been numerous studies on the impact of entitled attitudes in relationships, and they have found that they can lead to decreased satisfaction and even relationship breakdown. For example, a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that people with higher levels of entitlement tended to have less satisfying relationships and were more likely to engage in relationship-destabilizing behaviors, such as being critical or demanding.

Men who unfortunately encounter women with entitled attitudes may feel like they are not appreciated and that all the responsibility of a simple interaction rests on their shoulders. This just doesn’t work cause conversations are turn-taking exercises. If one person is an observer and hoping that one person impresses them, it’s doomed from the start. This can be discouraging and make them reluctant to approach them. Or worse they’ve tried it a few times and fallen flat on their face with their approach.

One example of this can be seen in the book “The Psychology of Love” by Robert J. Sternberg, which discusses how entitled attitudes can lead to power imbalances and dissatisfaction in relationships. Sternberg notes that when one person believes they are entitled to certain benefits or privileges without having to contribute to the relationship, it can create a dynamic in which the other person feels taken advantage of and resentful.

Some men are very resentful now. I can’t say I agree with them, but the burden of male performance when it comes to courtship is beginning to hit critical mass as some modern women will refuse to let things be on an even playing field. These men will eat things such as “red pill” youtube channels and follow dudes like Andrew Tate for solace. I don’t want this for modern men. There are better options for dealing with your frustrations of being rejected.

But don’t let that discourage you. Luckily there are a large number of good women out there waiting to meet someone like you. And if you’re not getting the interest or signs you’re looking for, it’s probably not the right match anyway.

Dating is not a competition. You don’t have to put in thousands of approaches to find the right woman.

4. Another year, another bashing of the average man.

Dating can be a mental minefield for men who are trying their best to get by and have someone to join them on their journey, and likewise with women and their journey. Especially for the average man. What do I mean by the average man:

  • Short guys (5’9’ and below)
  • Men who have had the same job and hovered around the same bare minimum pay for the last decade (55k annually)
  • Men woefully out of shape
  • Simple men
  • Men who art very forthcoming with what they want
  • Men who are mentally disabled
  • Disabled men
  • Hugely introverted men with no social skills
  • Very wealthy but unattractive men that must pay for sex or have sugar babies
  • Very unattractive men
  • Men with a very low social EQ
  • Average-looking men who don’t pay on the first date
  • Average men who immediately jump to something sexual
  • Guys who are genuinely really, really nice.

What’s weird is that most men like this have never really gotten the attention they want, yet people continue to pound down on the insults and jokes about “average” men.

When it comes to making the first move, men can often find themselves in a difficult position. Some might argue that the reasons men are reluctant to make the first move are the same as those for women — fear of rejection. Most of the population makes up a lot of characteristics of the men above. They’ve been rejected by so many women; why even bother?

The supposed top 10% of top tier men don’t bother cause they can get their kicks elsewhere (IG, Dating apps, Dating sites, etc). Why bother approaching a possibly mean girl in a club or bar when someone who has given you a super like, is far more attractive and seems to be nice based on her profile?

Most men don’t want to come across as creepy or desperate, and so on. The reaction to an ‘unwanted approach’ can be drastically different based on what kind of man is making the first move. It’s not just about rejection; men are also at risk of being labeled as “toxic” or “creepy” if they approach a woman who isn’t interested. This happens to “average men” most often.

So, is it any wonder that men are hesitant to make the first move? It’s a trickier situation to navigate, and it’s clear that there are a lot of different opinions on the matter. So with so many divided opinions and no clear agreement, is it really worth the risk?

Do you know the people who say it’s not a risk? The people who don’t have to do the approaching!

5. Do women even like men anymore?

A lot of straight women like to proclaim they don’t even like men.

They don’t even try to hide it cause society doesn’t hold women accountable who constantly berate and jump on social media to tell us all how horrible men are. Admit it. By me being vulnerable and admitting how hard it is for men, you’re already seething and getting angry at me. You’re probably thinking,

“Just another bitter toxic male”

“but he doesn’t know how hard it is for women.”

I never could understand how hard it is for women, but I’ll never stop trying and empathize with and support women as I love them. So can we not get the same support? Women go through a lot; this much is true.

So do men.

They’re just different in variation, location, history, and socioeconomic circumstances.

But what do we hear about men? Every day on social media, the news and hearing it in conversations and podcasts. Some women seem to scream from the highest mountains that they “don’t need no man,” men are trash, men are dogs or men cheat, men are dangerous, there are no good men, and all the rest.

With all that said, why on earth would a man go up to a stranger and try and grab her attention?

MOST MEN LOVE & RESPECT WOMEN.

Yes, there are assholes, misogynists, and generally scummy men out there. It’s disgusting, and it’s not okay; they ruin it for the rest of us, it genuinely pissed me off when I here of harassment stories cause we’re trying to move past that. Because of these trash men, it means these days we’re not getting that much respect, if any, which makes it harder for men even to want to approach a woman they don’t know.

When have you ever heard women recently just say how much they love, admire, respect, and want to be with a man? In any media platform? I mean that, for real.

Think about it.

I want to be clear when I say all these things. This isn’t some pseudo-conspiracy theory political propaganda bullshit. I’m just expressing what I read and see on a daily basis. I have to study, read articles and be up to date with all the news in the “dating universe.” This means I follow many Instagram dating pages, many dating blogs, and Tiktokers who discuss dating, read a bunch of dating and relationship books, studies, and watch most dating, and relationship podcasts on youtube, as well as dating, shows on TV.

In all of them, the treatment of men is pretty universal now. Don’t believe me; see for yourself. Check out any dating, quote, or advice page on IG and see. It’s littered with people telling men that we’re doing wrong or so many things we’re doing that are treating women badly. You even have male dating coaches who only give advice to women telling them of all the wrongs men do. They pray off their heartbreak and trauma to make a fast buck. Why wouldn’t they? We know that if you tell people what they want to hear instead of the truth, that’s where the money’s at.

6. I know some of the dangers women face

Now, look, there’s a huge caveat here. It’s not as simple as women opening up the flood gates to let any old chump holla. There can be various dangers that women may face when accepting men approaching them with the intention of courtship. Some of these dangers may include:

  1. Safety risks: Women may encounter men who are not genuine and may pose a threat to their safety. They could be stalkers, predators, or have malicious intentions.
  2. Unwanted attention: Women may also receive unwanted attention from men who are persistent or harassing in their pursuit of a relationship.
  3. Emotional harm: Women may be subjected to emotional harm when men who approach them are not emotionally stable or have a history of unhealthy relationships. “You ugly anyway, b**ch!

Women must be cautious and trust their instincts when considering accepting men approaching them. Women should establish healthy boundaries and communicate openly with potential partners to avoid potential dangers. But you don’t need me to tell you this. You live it and, in some instances, daily. Good men don’t want to be on that list. Good men don’t want you to feel that way. That’s why they won’t approach.

7. So, is the answer equality?:

The idea that equality in relationships can be achieved by having women approach men as often as men approach women is a view that has been expressed by some individuals. This perspective suggests that if women are looking for equality, they should not only be at least receptive to men’s advances but also be proactive in making their own.

The idea of rejection being a two-way street and affecting both parties is backed by various studies on dating and relationships. According to a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, rejection in dating can lead to feelings of low self-esteem, increased anxiety, and even depression. This holds true for both men and women who face rejection in dating.

However, some may argue that societal and cultural norms and expectations still play a major role in the dynamics of dating and relationships. A study published in the Journal of Sex Research found that men are still expected to initiate relationships and make the first move, while women are expected to be more passive and receptive.

Is there a perfect balance?

The perfect balance for both men and women to meet strangers while remaining safe and beneficial for both parties can be achieved through mutual respect and clear communication. Both parties should feel comfortable and confident in expressing their boundaries and should make a conscious effort to listen to and respect the boundaries of others. Women must take necessary precautions, such as meeting in public places and letting friends and family know about the plans. It is also recommended to trust one’s instincts and to never feel pressured to do something that feels uncomfortable or unsafe. Finding the perfect balance requires a combination of common sense, open communication, and mutual respect.

The solution to achieving equality in relationships will likely involve a combination of shifting societal norms and expectations, as well as the active effort of individuals to challenge these norms. It’s up to each person to determine what approach works best for them, whether it’s taking a more passive role or taking the initiative to make the first move.

But let’s not lose hope entirely. We can still find ways to meet new people and potentially make a connection. Whether it’s through work, school, or online dating apps, there are still opportunities out there. And who knows, maybe one day, the fear of approaching women will become a thing of the past. Until then, let’s focus on our own missions and purpose and see where it takes us!

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