Have An Angry Partner? —When Is It Time To Give Up and Leave Them?
Five Key Questions To Reflect on Before Leaving!
Anger is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to finding the root cause. An angry person in a relationship can be snappy, impatient or judgemental with their ‘loved’ partner. While it is really covering up something else, such as low self-esteem or fear, it can have huge and cumulative affects on their partners’ own self-esteem and fear.
It becomes a constant hardship, ‘walking on eggshells’, for fear of triggering the angry partner.
They will get to a point where they should consider whether it is worth staying or if it is time to leave them.
I am not a relationship expert, but I have been in a few, and I am in a pretty good marriage for around 5years, so I am basing this article on my own experiences and those of clients.
Generally, I have found that there is so much more going on underneath. If unchecked, the relationship will become toxic, rotten to the core. Being proactive can give you the time to consider these questions and re-evaluate for yourself what you should do next.
Question 1 — Can you decline the invitation to fight your Partner’s Anger with your Anger?
The angry person, whom we shall call Rocco is in an extremely agitated state. One afternoon, he has to pick up his partner. He arrives at the pre-agreed location at the pre-agreed time. But he has to wait. And wait. As time ticks by, he gets more and more agitated, until she finally shows up 10mins late with a huge smile on her face, happy to see her partner. Before even listening to her reason, and lets assume it was perfectly valid, he is accusing her of wasting his time, again! Rocco gets louder and more critical with each comment. The smile has long gone from the partner’s face and anger and disappointment follow. Later comes the regret!
More than likely, he was on edge after the day at work. Possibly something happened at the start of the day and it was unresolved, but carried throughout the day. And rather than taking it out on a colleague, it got stored, repressed down, until ‘it’ got the opportunity to come out. It then got expressed to what he unconsciously sees as the weakest link-his partner.
It could be all unconscious. As the annoyance, frustration and irritation build during the day, his cognitive abilities declined. Have you noticed that it is more difficult to focus on tasks and efficiently get them done when annoyed about something. Instead the energy is taken up by focusing on the source of the anger.
When I have gotten angry, I would have been looking for an argument. I would have been responding to the peception of being provoked or threatened. Dealing with the situation in the only way I knew, was with some volume and intensity!
If/when the response I recieved back was anger, the natural tendency was to go louder and even more intense and critical. I was being threatened further and there was only the one response. I felt as though I was the one that was right after all. It was justified, in that moment.
This displays that Anger fuels Anger. It usually doesn’t solve it. Besides, it takes a huge amount of energy to fight with anger. It is draining.
The best course of action, but also the most difficult thing for the partner on the recieving end, is to ackowledge that the angry person is actually hurting and to consider why.
When we get angry, we suffer. If you really understand that, you also will be able to understand that when the other person is angry, it means that she is suffering. When someone insults you or behaves violently towards you, you have to be intelligent enough to see that the person suffers from his own violence and anger..
— Thich Nhat Hanh [Part 1]
Being able to stay still for a moment and to just breathe. To respond not out of provocation, but instead from a calmer state. When my partner didn’t get provoked from an outburst of mine, I could tell in those moments that my behaviour wasn’t working. I felt like a child acting out but the parents were just looking on, knowing what was happening, but not responding and running over trying to fix it all. They left me to my own devices. It was like a subtle hint to snap out of it.
And with behaviours that are consciously observed to not work, they are less likely to repeat over time.
I appreciate that this may feel next to impossible for you to do at the beginning. But, in accepting that it is not a personal attack on you, maybe you can begin to stand aside, just long enough, to see why it is the partner you still love, is responding immaturely in the first place!
Don’t react immediately, just breathe. Is your intention/desire/wish for the relationship to work greater and therefore able to resist the reaction to fight anger with anger. If so, continue on.
Question 2 — Can You Respond Assertively and Compassionately to Your Partner?
In the example above with angry Rocco’s partner, they have managed to breathe, and get a little calmer. The next step is to respond assertively and compassionately?
This approach does not mean running away from the conflict and waiting for it to boil over. However, there may be a case where the emotion is too high and taking 5mins might be a good idea. But, it must only be 5mins, it can’t be deferred until the following day or next week. This would set a precedent for inconsistency and can serve to encourage the anger behaviour. For me, avoidance is rarely the solution to a problem.
..We want to punish the other person because we suffer. Then, we have anger in us; we have violence in us, just as they do. When we see that our suffering and anger are no different from their suffering and anger, we will behave more compassionately.
— Thich Nhat Hanh [Part 2]
Responding assertively but with compassion takes courage as it will put you in a place of vulnerability. It involves being confident, open and honest. Being aware that they are suffereing and you are being there for them to support them.
The first intention is to leave the door open for your partner to open up a little and explain why they are angry.
The second intention of responding assertively is to ensure that you are being respected. You need to assuredly encourage them to respect you. And obviously to do this, you need to respect yourself, take a deep breath and say something in your own words similar to;
I can feel that you are Angry but I am ______ (sad/disappointed/angry) when you get angry as I feel it is towards me. I want to help and I would like to understand more about what is going on for you, can you share a part of this with me?
Question 3 — Can You Actively Listen To Their Anger Expression?
Listening is a fine art. Active listening is the next step up. In tense situations, the compulsive need exists to get a sniping comment in early, or shake the head, or sarcastically smile to let them know that you wont accept whatever it is they are going to say, can be too hard to resist.
In some cases, the angry person might just want to be heard, or felt understood. This involves hearing them out, in full. And, as you have committed to going this far to find out what is going on for them, you need to follow through.
What I hear you saying is that you ____________________ , is that correct?
Question 4 — Do You want More Patience and Compassion In Your Life?
Getting triggered by your partner, or even a colleague or a friend can be highlighting that you are not perfect, not yet anyway! Maybe you and partner were meant to be together for a long time to come. Maybe, it is time to end it. Only you get to know, for sure.
Imagine however, if you were no longer triggered by your partner. With EFT tapping, I have had clients come to me after being triggered by a partner for example, by not doing their chores around the house, the simplest of things that they had agreed to do.
This leads to annoyance and frustation which can build up, and it came out as an argument. After we specifically used EFT Tapping to work on the annoyances and frustrations, and the undone chores, the negative emotion was considerably reduced by the end of the session.
After checking in later and much to the delight of the client, we found that the client was no longer annoyed or frustrated by the chores not being done. But even more interestingly, the client’s partner seemed to have stopped doing the annoying behaviour as much. As such the EFT tapping seemed to have alleviate the tendency not only for the client to get annoyed as expected. But it also had an effect on reducing the frequency of the offending behaviour. I believe that part of the reason for this, can be down to the fact that you tend to focus on what you are familiar with, and you tend to find information outside to support this. So what you are not focused on, or in this case, not being triggered by the undone house chores, you are less likely to notice it. You can focus on other more positive things with your partner instead.
Question 5— Can You Choose your Battles In Order To Win The War?
Sometimes, you may not be able to resist the desire to react. Sometimes you may not be able to breathe first. They may have said something particularly cruel that managed to stir you up and react in the moment. That is ok. You are entitled to have your moments aswell.
Don’t give up on yourself, or on your relationship-if that is what you choose to do. If you are choosing to support them, choose to see in what ways they are supporting you. Let them know, Encourage them. Relationships should be two-way streets. Be vulnerable. Be open. Be honest.
Asking for them to talk about the anger over breakfast when they are running late is maybe not the best time? Providing an ultimatum may not be the best way-maybe it is. It is trial and error. Accept that there will be set-backs.
In my experience, so long as the end-goal or the objective is the development of the couple, there is a chance. Such as having the best environment for friends to come over, and being able to provide a better environment to support your family growing up.
And finally, so long as it is not about one person putting the other person down, it is a step in the right direction. It is not so much about criticism and winning the argument, it is about support and providing the space for growth of the two of you.
These are some of the things that have worked and continue to work for me in my own experience and with my clients.I would be very interested to hear of your own experiences on this subject, by writing a comment below, or by sending me a private message.
Disclaimer — I am not a medical practitioner. I am a trained scientist and engineer and also accredited as an EFT Practitioner with EFT International (EFTi).
You may wish to consult with those in the conventional medical establishment, if you are considering replacing and/or integrating EFT in the place of a current medical treatment!
EFT Tapping can be done solo, easily applied to something that is both specific and simple. But, I recommend the use of an experienced EFT Practitioner for more complex or stubborn issues or, if you get stuck.
