Hate Getting Compliments?

You’re probably not great at giving them, either

Think about the last compliment you received.

Did it make you smile or squirm?

Just a third of us welcome compliments. And while research indicates that 88 percent of people associate a compliment with feeling valued, 70 percent also associate that recognition with embarrassment.

When compliments fail

For some, the go-to response to a compliment is to brush it off or respond with a long list of why they don’t deserve it.

Others barely acknowledge a compliment before immediately lobbing one back.

People who struggle with low self-esteem assume their negative view of themselves is shared by others and consider compliments insincere or patronizing.

If the praise offered doesn’t match the receiver’s self-image, it can trigger the same kind of cognitive dissonance as imposter syndrome.

Societal expectations about being humble also get in the way. Some people fear that relishing a compliment makes them look like an egotistical jerk.

What experts say about compliments

Compliments are good for us. They encourage cooperation and collaboration, improve performance, and help us learn.

Praise is an excellent motivator: People perform better after being complimented. In fact, research shows that a compliment lights up your brain’s reward center as brightly as receiving cold, hard cash.

Compliments also help build and strengthen relationships by fulfilling a universal need to be valued and liked.

And showing appreciation reinforces positive actions.

“Behaviors that get rewarded are likely to be repeated,” therapist Marcia Naomi Berger told NBC News. “So, if you tell someone how much you like how he smiled when you greeted each other, he’s likely to smile again on seeing you.”

Why it’s hard to give compliments

Before offering a compliment, many of us have to get comfortable with giving one.

When we’re unhappy, it’s hard to show appreciation. The “thieves of thankfulness” — including envy, materialism, and cynicism — can leave us so consumed with what we don’t have that we can’t see or show appreciation for the good in our lives.

For some, offering a compliment feels like a sign of weakness, and that it amounts to saying, “I could never do as well, look as good, be as accomplished as you.”

People who struggle with social anxiety are also less likely to give compliments, and many worry that their kind words will be misinterpreted or will make the other person uncomfortable.

Where your words go wrong

Guaranteeing that your compliments ring true takes just a little extra effort.

One of the things that can make a compliment feel meaningless is when it’s too general.

Your best bet is to be specific and to focus on what made someone’s accomplishment special. “You’re awesome,” for example, feels a lot less satisfying to your son than, “That’s a fantastic grade on your computer science project. You took on a tough topic, and your tenacity really paid off. ”

It’s a common business practice to offer a “praise sandwich,” which squeezes constructive feedback between two compliments.

A manager may say something like, “It’s great that you picked up the slack when Rob was out last week. There are some issues with the Acme account that need fixing, but I appreciate the help.”

Layering criticism with a little appreciation probably makes the manager feel better. But when you combine a pat on the back with a kick in the pants, guess which sticks with the staffer?

A “teasing” compliment is another non-starter. To cover your own discomfort, it’s tempting to tack on what you consider a harmless joke.

“Congratulations on making the Million Dollar Club,” you tell your friend in sales. “Guess you’ve got a big head now, huh?”

That wisecrack likely landed with a thud. Research reveals that sarcasm is considered “thinly veiled meanness” that camouflages insecurity and awkwardness.

Back-handed compliments — praise paired with a qualifier — reflect more poorly on the giver than the receiver. Telling a friend’s parent, “You’re pretty cool for someone your age,” may be intended to make you more likable, but you’ll come off as smarmy and insincere as “Leave It to Beaver’s” Eddie Haskell.

Probably the worst way to offer a compliment is to use it to soften someone up to ask for a favor or some quick cash.

“You’re the smartest guy I know, so you were the first person I thought of to invest in the new app I’m developing,” you email a friend, along with a link to your Kickstarter campaign.

Your calculated praise may make your friend feel compelled to donate, but make it a regular part of your repertoire, and their receptivity will quickly turn to resentment. Manipulative sweet-talk is no substitute for sincerity.

A better approach

People cherish authentic recognition of the behaviors and character traits they value in themselves. It makes them feel seen and appreciated.

Forget throwaway compliments like, “You are awesome.” Instead, focus on what makes them great and describe it in detail.

If a friend is a skilled upholsterer, tell her, “What a gift you’ve got! That chair is lovely. The fabric is so plush, and the colors are so vibrant. It’s perfect for your sunroom.”

Avoid opening with “I,” which emphasizes what you think about their accomplishment rather than the effort that went into it.

If your husband asks you to proofread a work presentation he labored over, don’t just tell him, “I think you did a great job.”

Not only is it frustratingly nonspecific, but it also elevates your editing prowess above his technical knowledge. Try, “Wow, your presentation is really persuasive. You’ve got lots of data to support your position, and you laid it out in a way that’s easy to understand.”

Giving a great compliment is a win for you, too.

When recognizing the best in others becomes a habit, their positive qualities quickly become the first thing you see.

By appreciating your friends and loved ones, you stay grounded in the present rather than fretting about the future or ruminating about the past.

And when you’re focused on what’s wonderful in your life rather than being fixated on what you lack, you’ll enjoy higher levels of optimism, satisfaction, and happiness.