Has the Arcwave Ion Reinvented Male Masturbation?

A review of the Arcwave Ion: the world’s first male sex toy that uses pleasure air to intensify the male orgasm.

“Are you sure you’re not going to get dick cancer after sticking your pecker in that thing?” is not the first thing you want your father to say after you show him your new sex toy over Skype. But that’s what he said when I showed him the Arcwave Ion, my new sex toy (and no, we aren’t going to unpack any of that).

It was a fair question. If you didn’t know anything about the Ion, you’d look at the picture on the box, a high-end desk vacuum-looking contraption with a blue light shooting out of the hole in the center, and think, Oh, fuck no.

Deciding not to judge a sex toy by its cover, I did a bit of research before agreeing to turn my trouser snake into a lab rat. Arcwave Ion’s website is thorough.

First, what is this thing?

“Meet the world’s first Pleasure Air stroker. Experience a new type of orgasm as unique pulsating airwaves stimulate sensitive Pacinian pleasure receptors in the frenulum.”

Okay, so what do those science words mean? Well, Pacinian pleasure receptors, or Pacinian corpuscles (not the seafood), are receptors that detect gross (not gross, gross) vibrations in the skin. And “frenulum,” is not, as I suspected, the material Wonder Woman’s armor is made of, but is instead “where your foreskin meets the underside of your penis.”

Okay, so, yes, you’re right, it is a penis tickler.

But it is a good type of tickle — the “Oh, that kind of feels good” type, and not the “stop-stop-STOP — you fucking sociopath” type.

Or, as the Arcwave team will tell you:

“Arcwave has designed unique, innovative technologies and materials to create experiences that have never been felt before. From Pleasure Air to CleanTech Silicone, each product features special key characteristics for your ultimate next adventure.”

This quote is stationed next to a picture of a young sexy man in bed holding his Arcwave Ion with a look on his face that makes me genuinely wonder what the photographer was telling him. “Okay, so your wife died in a car accident, and years ago, you lost the only photo you had of her. Now, you’ve just found this photo nestled in the folds of your mattress. You pull it out, realize what it is, and…yes, right there, just like that. You wanna fuck that picture, don’t you? Yeah, perfect.”

The Ion team goes on:

“By combining the most advanced technology, cutting-edge design & engineering, and years of user research, Arcwave has created a truly unique range of premium male pleasure devices just for you.”

The punchline? Arcwave set out to redefine the orgasm for men by combining the most advanced technology with years of user research (lol).

So, what comes next? You guessed it. I stuck my penis in it.

I received my Ion but didn’t try it out for a whole week. The box just sat on my bar, then in my bookcase, then my desk, before I mustered up the nerve to open it.

I’m not a prude; I’ve tried a variety of sex toys from prostate massagers to dick-tubes. I just had a sneaking suspicion that once I tried the Arcwave Ion, there’d be no going back. The box advertised “body-shaking, fist-clenching experiences at the touch of a button.” I felt as though it were courting me. The box continued, claiming to “tease, suck, and stimulate my most pleasure-inducing nerve endings, for a whole new level of orgasm.” (It even bought me a drink.)

So, after a day of revving myself up by listening to A Promised Land by Barack Obama on audible, I was ready. I opened the box and laid its contents on the counter: the base (with its top), a tiny bottle of lube, an instruction booklet, and a mini vacuum cleaner (Arcwave Ion). I charged it while Barack provided me with some Israeli-Palestinian conflict-themed foreplay.

I laid down, lubed up, docked myself, and turned it on. After a confused 10–15 seconds of adjusting it, I opened the instructions to find the right position while it thrummed in my lap. The Arcwave team was kind enough to provide very clear directions on exactly where to position the Arcwave Ion on your — HOLY FUCK.

Another 30 seconds later I had, as advertised, a body-shaking, fist-clenching experience, and then I laid on my couch for about three minutes giggling. (I’ve tried it since that first time, and I promise, you can pace yourself. I was just so startled, I pleasure-scared myself into an early finish.) For the next ten or so minutes, I kept sporadically giggling and muttering, “Holy crap” to myself. I felt lighter — like every time I’d masturbated before, I never quite got it all.

I was, and am, 100% sold on the Arcwave Ion. If I had five stars, I’d give it six. If I had ten, I’d give it eleven. And, if I die from dick cancer, and find that angels give handjobs in heaven, I’ll know what to expect.

*This sex toy only uses air pressure and there is a 0% chance of it causing dick cancer.

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