Happy, Healthy 101: A Parent’s Guide to Helping Your Child Thrive Across the College Years

Chapter 2: The Transition to Adulthood

As a college professor, I get to experience freshman move-in every year, and I confess: I love it. I present this as a confession because if you are the parent of a new college student who recently experienced freshman move-in day, you may not share my rosy view of this event at the present time (but please do keep reading, I sympathize with you below). In all honesty, the details of my own college move-in day are blurry, but what I remember most was the feeling — the excitement. This was it! College! Freedom! New friends! New adventures! Friendly upperclassmen in matching university shirts helping us move in, telling us about the campus, telling us about all the welcome week activities planned for the next few days! I don’t even remember saying good-bye to my parents.

As a professor at a major urban university, I still love move-in day. I go every year even though I have no reason to be there. I jog through the commotion and sweaty parents and kids all navigating carts and laundry baskets full of clothes and posters and alarm clocks, and I am filled with a sense of excitement. Excitement at having thousands of new young people showing up on our campus, ready to start the next phase of their lives, ready to assume new independence, figure out who they are, make new friends, navigate new romantic relationships, embark on new adventures, enroll in new classes, learn about new topics, figure out what they want to do with their lives, open their minds to viewing the world through different lenses (OK, maybe they aren’t thinking about that one exactly on move-in day, but as a university professor that’s part of my fantasy). Some of them probably just want to figure out where to find the first party. But that’s OK too! The point is, at move-in day, a college campus is brimming with excitement and endless possibilities. For new college students, the world is their oyster, or at least the 2 square miles of campus is.

Here’s what my mom remembers from move-in day: It was the end of August in Virginia. If you’ve never been to the south in the summer, here’s what I can tell you. It’s HOT. And even worse than the heat is the humidity. That day it was in the mid-90s with nearly 100% humidity. My dorm room was on the 4th floor (which translates into about 80 steps, each direction, each trip, of which there were many). There was no air conditioning. The car was parked about a block away. There were hot sweaty people everywhere. No one had any clue where to go or what they were doing. There were mini-arguments taking place between kids and parents everywhere (“No, don’t put that box there!” “Can you just go already?!”). Apparently, I barely said good-bye to my family before I flitted off to my room (no wonder I don’t remember it). My mom was left alone to contemplate the magnitude of her first child leaving the house, the changing dynamics that would result within our family and with my other siblings still at home, the realization that the child she had nurtured and devoted her life to raising for the past 18 years was leaving the nest, the monumental realization that the nature of our relationship had fundamentally shifted with this symbolic step.

Whatever. I had a dorm room to decorate.

As a parent of a college student, as you watch your child dart off to their dorm room (actually we call them “residence halls” these days), you are likely wondering, what is my role now? It’s not nearly as clear as when you had a child living at home. When your child lived at home you were technically responsible for everything. For clothing them and feeding them. For making sure they got to school. For making sure they followed the rules. For punishing them when they didn’t. But everything changes when kids go away to college. For one thing, your child is probably now 18 years of age. That means they are legally an adult and are technically accountable for themselves and their actions. And then there’s the reality. Legal status aside, your child is probably not completely responsible for him or herself. Behaviorally, emotionally, and financially, they probably still depend on you to some degree. The idea that they are now legally and practically responsible for themselves may be frightening to you on multiple levels! They may not seem ready to take on this degree of independence. Or, as can sometimes be the case, they may seem to want the freedom, but without the responsibility that comes along with it. You are likely concerned about how they are going to navigate this new independence and lack of adult supervision, how they are going to navigate the pressures and profound decisions that the next few years will necessarily bring.

I remember battles with my own mother, especially when I came home for summer break. They usually unfolded something along the lines of: Me: “You can’t tell me what to do, I’m an adult! No one tells me when I can come and go when I’m at college!” This was generally met with a helpful response reminding me that I was living under my parents’ roof and being financially supported by them, and that as long as that was the case, they got to make the rules. I of course found this to be a completely reasonable explanation and dropped my protesting and bad attitude immediately and we spend the summer living harmoniously and having picnics together. Actually, I spent the remaining summer breaks living at college. I think we were all happier that way.

Even if your child is still living at home, the start of their college experience still represents an entry into a new phase of life. In fact, your role as a parent may be even more complex if they are still living under your roof. You have to navigate the shifting nature of having an adult child still living at home. That comes with its own series of logistical hurdles and complicated interpersonal dynamics. This mini-book is for you too!

The reality is that, regardless of the living situation of your college student, the phase of life that your child is embarking upon is a hugely transitional phase. Kids are moving from adolescence to adulthood. This developmental phase has been coined “emerging adulthood”, because individuals are not really adolescents any longer — they enjoy far more independence and reduced parental control compared to most adolescents — but we can probably all agree that, legal status aside, they aren’t really adults yet either. Psychologist Jeffrey Arnett has done extensive work on emerging adulthood, conducting hundreds of interviews with individuals 18–29 years of age. He coined the term “emerging adult” and has written extensively on this life phase. In a national study he conducted with emerging adults, he found that even they don’t view themselves yet as adults. Finally, something parents and their children can agree upon!

So what does mark the transition to adulthood? The answer to this question is less clear. Historically, the milestones of marriage and parenthood were associated with achieving adult status. But there have been dramatic shifts in the average of age of marriage over the past several decades. In 1960, the median age at marriage in the United States was 20 for women and 23 for men. By 2010, the average age of marriage was 26 for women and 28 for men, and these figures continue to grow! Many young people today actively put off getting married and having children, allowing far more time for identity exploration. Based on Arnett’s work, emerging adults view the hallmarks of being an adult as taking responsibility for yourself, making independent decisions, and becoming financially independent. In short, being an adult to them means being self-sufficient and in charge of one’s self. This finding is remarkably consistent across cultures, racial/ethnic groups, and social classes. Not surprisingly then, during the years following age 18, youth report feeling “in between” — no longer adolescents, but not quite adults yet either. How long the period of “emerging adulthood” lasts varies depending on the topic being studied. But at age 18, nearly 70% of individuals answer “Yes and No” to the question “Do you feel that you have reached adulthood”, with only 25% answering “Yes”. The proportion of individuals who respond “Yes and No” declines steadily from age 18 to 29, and the proportion of individuals who responds “Yes” to feeling like an adult rises steadily across this same period. By age 29, only 20% respond “Yes and No”, whereas 80% respond “Yes” to feeling like they have reached adulthood. The lines cross at age 24, meaning this is the age at which more individuals definitively endorse feeling like an adult than feeling “in between”.

So what are kids doing in those years of emerging adulthood when historically they were getting married and starting families? What are they doing across those years of feeling not quite like an adult, but no longer like an adolescent either? In short, they are figuring out who they are and what they want out of life. Delaying marriage and child-bearing allows much more opportunity for identity exploration. It allows them to embrace these years as a time to focus on themselves. They take advantage of their relative freedom and lack of adult responsibilities. With so many opportunities available to them in today’s society, emerging adults are pondering what they want out of life. Do they want to get married? Do they want to have children one day? Do they want to follow in their parents’ footsteps or forge their own path? What career will make them feel fulfilled? What makes them happy?

While this life phase is one of excitement and possibility, figuring out who you are and what you want out of life can also be stressful for many students. Today’s college students face unique challenges. There is increased pressure and competitiveness. Some students may arrive academically unready for college. Today’s students are dealing with more family challenges and complex family dynamics. Students may be dealing with gender issues and sexual pressures. Further, a less stable economy means that a job post-college is not necessarily a given. This can weigh heavily on students, particularly if they are taking out loans to finance their college education. College populations are increasingly diverse, with higher percentages of minorities, foreign-born or first generation students, and non-traditional and working students. Students who are working have additional challenges with balancing school, social, and work demands. Non-traditional students may also have family pressures to deal with and feel less connected to their fellow students. First-generation students may be more unfamiliar with all the nuances and expectations of college life. All students are likely to have increased exposure to alcohol and drugs. And they are dealing with all of these new changes “on their own”. Enhanced autonomy from parents can be both a blessing and a curse.

Your student may have seemed all to ready for you to head off and leave them to embark on their college years, but there is still a role for parents. Read on!

In case you missed it…

Chapter 1 Introduction

Read on!

Chapter 3 This is your (child’s) brain; This is your (child’s) brain during emerging adulthood

Chapter 4 You get what you get, and you don’t throw a fit: How your child’s genes influence their behavior

Chapter 5 How to Talk to Teenagers in a Way that Actually Motivates Behavior Change

Danielle Dick, PhD is a professor of psychiatry at Rutgers Robert Wood Johnson Medical School and Director of the Rutgers Addiction Research Center. She is an internationally recognized expert on substance use and related mental health problems. She has written >400 scientific papers and been awarded >55 million dollars in research funding from the National Institutes of Health. She is the author of The Child Code: Understanding Your Child’s Unique Nature for Happier, More Effective Parenting, published by Avery, an imprint of Penguin Random House.

Visit my website at danielledick.com for free resources, or follow me on social media at Dr. Danielle Dick, for more information about how understanding genetics can help you in your parenting, relationships, health, and well-being.