Resolutions and stuff

Happy? Happy

In response to Coffee Challenge: Why I want to be a better me in 2022

Is it okay to say, I’m happy? Because I am. I know we’ve been conditioned to never be satisfied, always strive for a better self, a better job, more success, more achievements, more money. Voicing I'm happy feels blasphemous. It’s like OMG I can’t ever be happy otherwise I’ll fall into a rut, get complacent, or even worse, I’ll jinx it and terrible things will happen. It’s totally like that, no?

Still, I’ve decided, right now, at this moment, this time of year, a day before 2021 is history: I’m happy. I’ve decided it’s okay to stop for a heartbeat. And be happy.

I get that a lot of people have experiences that overwhelm the mind. I guess I have had a couple myself. My parents died. And the stupid pandemic. I don’t want to call PTSD since trauma is an obsession these days — the new buzzword — but my mom and dad’s deaths took a lot out of me and it’s taken nigh ten years, to get to that place where the ‘time heals all wounds’ thing applies. I’ll never forget them. Ever. I hope I’m doing things and will continue to do stuff to make them proud. Like getting my degree and publishing books. And continuing the tradition my mom started: playing music at home. She was an excellent pianist. I’m on the flute. Proficiency level: modest but with practice, improving.

What about the pandemic, stupid? It’s taken slices out of all of us. The first half of 2021 was hard. I was anxious, panicky, vicariously suffering with everyone else, didn’t want to go out, had to force myself to go out, was constantly afraid something terrible was going to happen, and took too many Xanax to get through those times — a 1/2 year — to calm me. I spent the summer tapering off. That was kind of agonizing. But I made it. No more Xanax. Or anything else. My doctor helped me. The awesome people I get to work with. My bestie friend Ernie.

Anxiety? What’s that. Yep. It’s gotten so much better. Can’t describe the joy.

Have I reached all the goals I set for myself? Definitely not. Of course not. Do we ever? But I know what I have to do. I’ll continue moving forward. Ticking boxes and being happy while I’m at it. There’s a quote in German.

Der Weg ist das Ziel ~ It’s the how you get to where you want to go that counts

I’ll get there being happy. How? Never give up. Ever. Always look on the bright side because there always is one. A bright side. It’ll shine on you if you look for it. Do things that make you happy. And if you’re struggling through some tough times, go easy on yourself. Take the time you need. Give yourself a break. Don’t be embarrassed to ask for help.

I figure I’m already a better me. I’ll not apologize for it. It’s taken me all my life to get here.

Happy? Happy.

A tip

For those crucial goals I want to reach in 2022: see the image. I take an image that inspires me and add my big main goals for the year, have it printed on a t-shirt, and print it out on a poster. I see it all the time. It has me focusing on the important things and not being side-tracked by stupid shit.

That’s all.

Happy.