Feelings Cause Financial Stress, Not Numbers
American social norms suggest money has nothing to do with emotions, so what causes arguments?
Budgets don’t cause breakups
Personal finance is — and has been — a rollercoaster for millennial couples throughout our adult years. The pandemic has only made things more stressful and complex. In truth, our generation is in financial crisis — and that’s just the economic side of the equation.
As a financial therapist and the cofounder of Enriched Couples, I’m often asked how partners can avoid fighting about finances when there’s so much stress present.
I find this question fascinating — and I’ll tell you why.
An American social norm — based on harmful, misogynistic myths — is that money management should have nothing to do with emotions. “Don’t be an emotional woman about it!”
And yet, the issue I’m asked about isn’t calculations, nor retirement spend-down Monte Carlo simulations. It’s conflict. The question also isn’t about logic. It’s about mental and relationship health.
- Do you fear going broke because your parents struggled financially?
- Do you dream of moving to Costa Rica and working a remote career?
- Do you max out your IRA because it makes you feel safe and secure?
- How do you feel about your student loans?
These are all questions that cut to the question of emotional intelligence and understanding your own emotions, values, assumptions, and history with money.
Why does this matter? Because mental and relationship health have a reciprocal relationship with financial wellness.
Our individual histories are all unique. Often, our family of origin experiences with money is different from our partners — no matter how similar we are as adults. People’s circumstances, challenges, hopes, dreams, and fears are never identical. It’s important to understand these differences.
Misunderstanding your partner’s worldview, history, and values can be a clear source of conflict. Right and wrong is not the name of the game — blaming and shaming will also result in fights, make no mistake.
What matters is vulnerable discussion and seeking to understand your partner:
- Why does saving matter to you?
- Where does your fear of credit cards come from?
- What’s something you saw your parents do with money that you don’t want to repeat?
Personal finance solutions are typically more about math and portfolios. Not necessarily what’s good or potentially harmful for your relationship long-term. Yet, the recipe for a fulfilling and stable relationship is unique to each couple. If you want to live in a tiny house because one of your core values is downsizing your environmental footprint, that should drive your financial discussions, decisions, and habits with your partner.
Core values and unified relationship goals should drive a set of unified financial goals. Call us crazy, although our friends at Zeta agree — personal finance should be personal.
Yeah, sure — there are guidelines for joint money management. We’re big fans of yours/mine/ours buckets because there’s endless flexibility.
And, yes — we have decades of research on what results in blissful, sustainable partnerships.
However, there is sparse behavioral science baked into financial products and services in the market today. While financial wellness is a fast-growing trend, I can count the number of companies designing with mental and relationship health in mind with one hand.
Humans are complex, yet I often see the reductionist viewpoint that couples are essentially 1+1=2. There are an awful lot of social dynamics and psychological realities omitted in that math.
In reality, couples are more like 1+1=5 because healthy partnerships are greater than the sum of their parts. Understanding that — and working to find common ground and trust — requires a commitment to being open and honest with yourself and your partner.
Communication is self-explanatory, just like sex
Just like budgets aren’t going to prevent or cause a divorce per se, neither will communication. Advising “just communicate, that’s key” is like saying, “just make love.”
Hear me out. If you didn’t know the first thing about sexual relationships, you might ask questions like:
- How often?
- How long?
- Is this about satisfying physiological needs — or closeness?
- Where should we do it?
- Do we need help from a professional?
- What if we want third-party partners (an open relationship)?
- Who can teach us about different positions?
Sounds ridiculous, right? Well, these questions aren’t so different from the ones couples might have about the nuances of communicating about such an emotionally-charged topic.
It’s more nuanced than “just do it.” When you’re new to sex, it’s awkward and you might wonder if you’re doing it wrong! Likewise, if you’ve never been in a financial partnership, it’s perfectly normal to wonder and worry.
You’re not alone.
Annette Miller is the Cofounder and CEO of Enriched Couples, a financial therapy platform that uses psychology to guide couples through unifying their values, financial priorities, and future goals.
