Hanging On

Summary

The author reflects on personal struggles with self-expression and societal expectations, grappling with the fear of being themselves and the consequences of embracing their true identity.

Abstract

The article titled "Hanging On" delves into the author's internal conflict and fear of authenticity. They describe a cycle of returning to familiar, yet unhealthy, environments and relationships, characterized by isolation, sorrow, and interactions with men who are intimidated by the author's strength. The author acknowledges the need to confront the terror of potential collapse in their world, including their own fears of surpassing others and being ostracized for excelling. They recognize the importance of moving beyond self-imposed limitations and the expectations of others, particularly in the context of professional dynamics, as seen with their ex-boss Willy. The author aspires to embrace boldness, to voice their needs, and to cease seeking validation from those who reject them, understanding that their pain and struggles stem from suppressing their true self.

Opinions

The author feels that their survival and success are solely their responsibility.
There is a belief that people fear and criticize others who show potential to surpass them.
The author has previously held back their capabilities to avoid being expelled by their peers.
The author identifies a need to find environments where they can be their authentic self without rejection.
The author criticizes societal norms where individuals compromise their true selves to fulfill external expectations, such as supporting a family or pleasing a spouse.
The author suggests that their current state of pain and isolation is a direct result of their fear of fully expressing themselves.

Hanging On

Fear of Being Myself

How do I keep ending up back where I started? Cigarette-filled rooms, shrieks from below, cloudy, gray-filled days, unremitting sorrow. Large, lonely, weak-needy, empty men — terrified by me.

I want to know why I terrify them. The fear is closing in, gripping my throat, the utter isolation of knowing my survival is up to me — but then it has always been up to me. I know this is a transitional time—the interim before the next leap forward, but that doesn’t remove the sheer terror of it.

I guess I need to go through the fear of knowing my world could all fall apart. The smoke, my wrist, my throat, my impoverishment — what do they all mean? Oh, those people below are loud, crass, classless people, living right on the edge.

The problem I keep running in to is that everyone seems to have sold their souls. They give themselves up because they have families to support or wives to please or people to prove themselves to. I need to understand what men fear about me so much. I think I understand the concept, but not well enough to stop it. The best explanation I’ve heard is that people may criticize you when you’re trying to move ahead because they fear you will surpass them and move on.

I fear it too, losing them if I try to excel. I always tried to hold myself back so they wouldn’t expel me and leave me out in the cold. But with my ex-boss Willy, I let too much of myself out. Maybe I had to test it and see what would happen.

I know there are places where a woman can be her capable self. I need to let myself go there now, and stop looking for people who reject me. I need to stop using them to keep me silent. I need to be BOLD and to say what I need to say. I need to stop hiding in stupid places, clutching the parts of my body, holding it all in.

All of this pain, isolation, poverty, anguish — all because of my fear of being myself. And therein lies the answer to my earlier question — were I not holding it in, I would not seek people to help me do it — I would not pretend to be other than I am. Were I not holding in, it would be a very different life.