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Abstract

, being extra hard on your kids, drinking too much alcohol, doing drugs, quitting your job on the spot, etc.</li><li>Don’t just sit and brood or stomp around in a circle. Do something positive and do it long enough that the steam is no longer coming out of your ears.</li><li>If you stop and you are still “hopping mad”, find an additional activity and do that.</li><li>If you were just a little bit angry, the work/exercise step won’t take as long.</li><li>Worst case, work/exercise will help you get in better shape or have a neater lawn. Best case, you will have dissipated some excess adrenaline and put the issue into better perspective vs. your initial anger-fueled impulse.</li></ul>Sort: Using some or all of the ideas below, diagram the situation as you think about it to sort it all out and develop a plan of action.<ul><li>Ask yourself why this has upset you so much — and write out the answers.</li><li>You should then start by listing all of the possible positives associated with any situation or person. There is almost always a bright side or opportunity — even if it is a “character building” opportunity for you. You should be able to find/list some significant positives associated with almost all people you associate with — even if they have crossed or disappointed you in a particular situation.</li><li>Use a “Ben Franklin” T-Chart with pros and cons of your situation or the person involved. Simply put “Pros” in one column and “Cons” in the other. Put the good things about the situation/person on one side and the negatives on the other — forcing yourself to look at the positive or opportunity side as well as the negatives.</li><li>Similarly, create a set of T-charts covering each of the the various alternative courses of action you may be considering. Make sure you are being realistic and that revenge, getting even or just satisfying your anger aren’t high on your lists of “pros”. Include some alternatives with the following elements as drivers:</li><li>Opportunity mindset: How can this situation be turned into a positive?</li><li>Win/Win: Creative out-of-the-box solutions where both parties win.</li><li>Golden Rule: Doing unto others as you would have them do to you.</li><li>Forgiveness as you would like to be forgiven.</li><li>Apology (genuine — not the kind politicians voice on TV).</li><li>Love: What is the most loving thing to do?</li><li>Storyboard your plan of action to help visualize how it will go.</li><li>Role play with someone you trust (not of the same sex if it is a marital or girlfriend situation — and not someone in your own company if it is a work situation). Set the situation up and walk through the exact dialog — saying the words you are going to use vs. explaining what you are going to say. Get feedback without being defensive.</li><li>Video yourself saying what you are planning to say or do. View the video and see what you think.</li></ul>Pause: You may be in a hurry to settle the issue, but anxiousness to act could, actually, be a warning that you may need to cool it. Give it a rest for a little while — especially if you are still a little angry or have an uneasy “gut feeling”. Let a key email response rest at least overnight (“sleep on it”) and print it to proof it. If it seems like retaliation, your emotions are still too high. Pray about it. Read some seemingly unrelated motivational or spiritual inspiration. Meet with your mentors. If you don’t need to make an immediate decision, use the time to improve your “hand”.Adjust: Tone down the language. Check to make sure an alternative job opportunity is still available and documented in writing. Incorporate new ideas, approaches, alternatives.Act: Go ahead with whatever you have decided at this point. It should no longer be an emotionally driven reacti

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on in anger. It should be informed by the “why am I so angry about this” part of sorting out the problem. You will have done enough work and let enough time pass to avoid the pitfalls associated with an emotional angry reaction. If you have done a good job of creative alternative actions through the lens of an “opportunity mindset” and “win/win”, these actions can be the first steps toward a better future.Happiness: So far, by following the nine steps above, you’ve probably avoided making a major mistake when faced with your anger situation. You’re “even” or, possibly, a little ahead of the game relative to when you first encountered the “problem”. What I would like to suggest as a final step is that you now look at how this can be turned into a future blessing or foundation for success. At the very least, you should chalk this up as a positive example of your growing maturity. The experience can leave you better prepared to face similar challenges in the future. The situation that you have encountered may have taught you a lesson that will launch you to greater success than you ever anticipated before. It may have freed you from self-limiting beliefs, habits, relationships, and/or job situations that you never would have changed if you hadn’t encountered the situation.Obviously, following all ten of the above steps meticulously is a lot of work for a simple issue. You’re not earning a “grade” for covering each step, however. That’s not the point — although working through each thoroughly just might keep you busy long enough to dissipate some intense emotion. Many problems you encounter won’t warrant thorough attention to all ten steps. You can often speed through the first four or five. Feel free to fly through any that aren’t really significant in a particular case if they aren’t that helpful.Regardless of your situation, you really shouldn’t completely skip the first four or five steps. You definitely don’t want to “act” first and, then, try to recover by working back up the list. You don’t want to put yourself in a position where where you need to, say, call for a timeout (pause), then start trying to sort everything out, then go blow off some steam because you have already screwed everything up, and, then desperately start praying for a way out. You don’t want to kick yourself for letting anger drive your actions, and, then, think about running away from the whole mess because you acted prior to working through E-DRAW-SPAAH — or at least E-DRAW.So, let’s say that you find out that your girlfriend has accepted an invitation to the Prom with your best friend. First, Escape (excuse yourself) if possible so you can get away to clear your head. This may simply mean postponing an impulse to immediately respond to a text/post or voice an opinion about the issue when you find out about it in the bathroom/dorm/fraternity. Decide that you aren’t going to let your anger drive your actions. Recognize that the feeling you are having is anger and that it is a signal that something is bothering you. The exact nature of the “something” that is really bothering you may be obvious or a little bit of an enigma at first. Ask for understanding, wisdom, and calm multiple times until you are under control. Work/exercise off some steam by raking some leaves or running a mile or two. Sort out the problem to figure out why you are angry, note some positives about the parties involved (very few people are entirely evil), list some pros and cons of the situation, and brainstorm for solutions. Think about how this whole thing might be turned into an opportunity. Then Pause a few hours or a day. Adjust per any new insights or ideas. Then Act per your “cool headed” plan. Finally, see if you can actually turn the situation into a benefit for future increased Happiness. Who knows? Maybe some girl who actually cares about you will come along!</article></body>

Handling Anger: Ten Steps

What should I do about it when I am angry?

Logically, we should also look at “why am I so angry about this event or issue?”, but, because the focus of this article is to provide quick help in times of need, let’s first address what you should do when feeling angry.

This advice is being provided in a checklist of bullet points rather than essay style because, when angry, you need something quick and clear. It applies to words, texts, posts, Tweets, and emails as well as actions. In fact, you don’t really need to read this as if it was a “story” at all. Just scan through the bolded words and take a little more time on those that might be most helpful.

The acronym E-DRAW-SPAAH may help you remember these ten steps:

Escape: Whether an everyday (normal) or rare (we hope) immediate life-threatening situation, err on the side of getting away to buy time and space so you can approach things most rationally and when the conditions can be changed to favor your success. When you are surprised by something (or, in an extreme situation, attacked) the initiator or attacker has the element of surprise in their favor and/or has possibly planned the encounter. Reacting quickly and forcefully while anger and adrenaline is highest could lead to physical success in life-threatening or combat situations, but it very well could be stepping further into a trap set for you. Generally, try to buy yourself some time to come up with a rational response by following some or all of the nine steps below.

Decide: In advance, decide to be aware of your anger but to not allow your decisions, words, and/or actions to be determined by the emotion. Feelings of anger are signals, but you need to decide to decide (long before the heat of the moment) that you will use the anger signal intelligently and not let anger use you or decide for you.

Recognize: Acknowledge and be OK with your anger as a useful signal. This is the opposite of suppressing, repressing or trying to ignore this feeling. Your anger is providing a helpful signal that something is being perceived (rightly or wrongly) and processed (rightly or wrongly) as a threat to your well-being or the well-being of someone or something you value deeply.

Ask: Ask, “Please help me understand my anger and handle this situation positively.” Say this ten times — or until it finally sinks in. This is like counting to ten, but the problem with counting to ten is that you are thinking of the numbers 1–10 vs. thinking about the solution. It will be much better to repeatedly ask for guidance and a solution than to merely count to ten. Personally, I would say this as a prayer and ask God, Jesus, and the Holy spirit to help me — but repeating this in a secular form will still be very helpful to you.

Work/Exercise: Engage in strenuous constructive physical exercise or physical work while you are “hot”. Keep it up long enough until you are somewhat “spent” and think about your situation while exercising or working.

Run (even if the weather isn’t good — or maybe especially if the weather isn’t good), walk, hit some tennis serves, layups drills, lift weights, use a punching bag, rake some leaves, shovel some snow, chop some wood, trim some bushes — anything that involves physical exertion and will have a positive impact.
Pick something that is positive as opposed to hurting yourself or others. Do this instead of yelling at someone, shooting someone “the bird”, fouling them in sports, throwing something, driving off in your car in a huff, binge eating, slamming your fist into a wall, running out on your girlfriend/wife, being extra hard on your kids, drinking too much alcohol, doing drugs, quitting your job on the spot, etc.
Don’t just sit and brood or stomp around in a circle. Do something positive and do it long enough that the steam is no longer coming out of your ears.
If you stop and you are still “hopping mad”, find an additional activity and do that.
If you were just a little bit angry, the work/exercise step won’t take as long.
Worst case, work/exercise will help you get in better shape or have a neater lawn. Best case, you will have dissipated some excess adrenaline and put the issue into better perspective vs. your initial anger-fueled impulse.

Sort: Using some or all of the ideas below, diagram the situation as you think about it to sort it all out and develop a plan of action.

Ask yourself why this has upset you so much — and write out the answers.
You should then start by listing all of the possible positives associated with any situation or person. There is almost always a bright side or opportunity — even if it is a “character building” opportunity for you. You should be able to find/list some significant positives associated with almost all people you associate with — even if they have crossed or disappointed you in a particular situation.
Use a “Ben Franklin” T-Chart with pros and cons of your situation or the person involved. Simply put “Pros” in one column and “Cons” in the other. Put the good things about the situation/person on one side and the negatives on the other — forcing yourself to look at the positive or opportunity side as well as the negatives.
Similarly, create a set of T-charts covering each of the the various alternative courses of action you may be considering. Make sure you are being realistic and that revenge, getting even or just satisfying your anger aren’t high on your lists of “pros”. Include some alternatives with the following elements as drivers:
Opportunity mindset: How can this situation be turned into a positive?
Win/Win: Creative out-of-the-box solutions where both parties win.
Golden Rule: Doing unto others as you would have them do to you.
Forgiveness as you would like to be forgiven.
Apology (genuine — not the kind politicians voice on TV).
Love: What is the most loving thing to do?
Storyboard your plan of action to help visualize how it will go.
Role play with someone you trust (not of the same sex if it is a marital or girlfriend situation — and not someone in your own company if it is a work situation). Set the situation up and walk through the exact dialog — saying the words you are going to use vs. explaining what you are going to say. Get feedback without being defensive.
Video yourself saying what you are planning to say or do. View the video and see what you think.

Pause: You may be in a hurry to settle the issue, but anxiousness to act could, actually, be a warning that you may need to cool it. Give it a rest for a little while — especially if you are still a little angry or have an uneasy “gut feeling”. Let a key email response rest at least overnight (“sleep on it”) and print it to proof it. If it seems like retaliation, your emotions are still too high. Pray about it. Read some seemingly unrelated motivational or spiritual inspiration. Meet with your mentors. If you don’t need to make an immediate decision, use the time to improve your “hand”.

Adjust: Tone down the language. Check to make sure an alternative job opportunity is still available and documented in writing. Incorporate new ideas, approaches, alternatives.

Act: Go ahead with whatever you have decided at this point. It should no longer be an emotionally driven reaction in anger. It should be informed by the “why am I so angry about this” part of sorting out the problem. You will have done enough work and let enough time pass to avoid the pitfalls associated with an emotional angry reaction. If you have done a good job of creative alternative actions through the lens of an “opportunity mindset” and “win/win”, these actions can be the first steps toward a better future.

Happiness: So far, by following the nine steps above, you’ve probably avoided making a major mistake when faced with your anger situation. You’re “even” or, possibly, a little ahead of the game relative to when you first encountered the “problem”. What I would like to suggest as a final step is that you now look at how this can be turned into a future blessing or foundation for success. At the very least, you should chalk this up as a positive example of your growing maturity. The experience can leave you better prepared to face similar challenges in the future. The situation that you have encountered may have taught you a lesson that will launch you to greater success than you ever anticipated before. It may have freed you from self-limiting beliefs, habits, relationships, and/or job situations that you never would have changed if you hadn’t encountered the situation.

Obviously, following all ten of the above steps meticulously is a lot of work for a simple issue. You’re not earning a “grade” for covering each step, however. That’s not the point — although working through each thoroughly just might keep you busy long enough to dissipate some intense emotion. Many problems you encounter won’t warrant thorough attention to all ten steps. You can often speed through the first four or five. Feel free to fly through any that aren’t really significant in a particular case if they aren’t that helpful.

Regardless of your situation, you really shouldn’t completely skip the first four or five steps. You definitely don’t want to “act” first and, then, try to recover by working back up the list. You don’t want to put yourself in a position where where you need to, say, call for a timeout (pause), then start trying to sort everything out, then go blow off some steam because you have already screwed everything up, and, then desperately start praying for a way out. You don’t want to kick yourself for letting anger drive your actions, and, then, think about running away from the whole mess because you acted prior to working through E-DRAW-SPAAH — or at least E-DRAW.

So, let’s say that you find out that your girlfriend has accepted an invitation to the Prom with your best friend. First, Escape (excuse yourself) if possible so you can get away to clear your head. This may simply mean postponing an impulse to immediately respond to a text/post or voice an opinion about the issue when you find out about it in the bathroom/dorm/fraternity. Decide that you aren’t going to let your anger drive your actions. Recognize that the feeling you are having is anger and that it is a signal that something is bothering you. The exact nature of the “something” that is really bothering you may be obvious or a little bit of an enigma at first. Ask for understanding, wisdom, and calm multiple times until you are under control. Work/exercise off some steam by raking some leaves or running a mile or two. Sort out the problem to figure out why you are angry, note some positives about the parties involved (very few people are entirely evil), list some pros and cons of the situation, and brainstorm for solutions. Think about how this whole thing might be turned into an opportunity. Then Pause a few hours or a day. Adjust per any new insights or ideas. Then Act per your “cool headed” plan. Finally, see if you can actually turn the situation into a benefit for future increased Happiness. Who knows? Maybe some girl who actually cares about you will come along!