Guys, Stop Talking About How Impressive You Are
And let how you conduct yourself speak for itself
If you want to impress me, be impressive, but don’t talk to me about it in an endless sales pitch. That’s boring and it’s also never going to work. A lot of women have figured out that most of the time, the guy who talks endlessly about how great he is is trying to convince you with his words because he hasn’t got the goods to actually back them up. Don’t be that guy. Besides the fact that it’s a major tell that you aren’t really those things, it’s also a huge turn-off.
A lot of women have had to sit through many a monologue about what a great lover some guy claims that he is, what an important part of his work organization he is, what a great athlete he is, or how many expensive toys he owns. This is something that has never made a woman who isn’t a complete insecure basket case, or a complete gold-digger cream her jeans. It certainly never has gotten my engine running, and more than likely made me want to run for the hills. Nonetheless, based on what I routinely hear from women, many men do this almost reflexively, with little idea how much of a buzz-kill it truly is.
Besides the fact that I don’t want to be talked at, I’m impressed by things like humor and a willingness to try new things. I’m impressed by humanity and real empathy for other people. I’m impressed by someone who is authentic, honest, and who knows what they are about. Nice shoulders and arms are a plus but aren’t worth diddly if you are going to be condescending, narcissistic, or look on me as an object to be won.
When I was in high school, a boy who really liked me tried to give me a fancy necklace in order to “win my affection.” I didn’t accept it, and I didn’t go out with him. First of all, I liked him as a friend and that was all, and secondly, he was trying too hard to show me he was boyfriend material. As with most things, trying too hard comes across as just that — trying too hard, and it had the opposite effect than was intended. He couldn’t buy my affection and the idea that he thought he could was in itself a turn-off.
It seems like some guys have no idea what women want or are actually interested in, and rather than trying to obtain that information through, I don’t know, asking them, they are just going off some sort of patriarchal script that has been culturally supported. Pick Up Artist's notions of what women want in a man are notoriously off base and misogynistic.
Maybe a very young or very insecure woman will be taken in by a display of peacock feathers, but for the majority of women I know, a little more substance is what they are looking for. First off, she doesn’t want to be won like a prize — that’s dehumanizing and objectifying. What she wants is for you to show an interest in her as a person. Rather than talking non-stop about all the things that you can do, and offer and have expertise in, how about asking her about some of hers? How about getting to actually know her?
Most women have had significant experience with having their competence or authority questioned for no reason other than being female. For the smart, savvy, complex woman, one of the biggest aphrodisiacs is a man who not only isn’t afraid of that part of her but actually finds it intriguing. If you really want a woman to find you impressive, show her that you are genuinely interested in being on the receiving end of some expertise of hers. Ask her advice or have her explain something to you. I guarantee you, that is a lot more enticing than being bombarded by a list of your achievements.
Not only does this showcase your own confidence, which is very sexy, but it demonstrates a real interest in her as a whole person. Ask her about her work, her favorite book, or her hobbies. This may sound counter-intuitive to the guys who have really bought into the patriarchal man box (the rules of what it means to be masculine in our culture), but most women would rather be with someone who can admit that he doesn’t know everything about everything than a guy who is trying to exert dominance all the time.
Being a cocky jerk doesn’t have the same allure as having actual confidence. And you can’t truly be confident unless you know who you are. If your sense of self is always coming from how other people respond to you and evaluate you, and you’re just trying to keep “playing the game” to superficially climb the rungs of power and prestige, that’s not what builds true confidence. You’re probably not going to be that great a date either because you aren’t looking to actually connect in any way — simply to be seen as impressive. Yawn…
Just like I don’t want to be with someone who constantly talks about how impressive they are, I don’t want a lover who tells me about all the porn moves he’s mastered or who treats me like a living sex doll. I want a man who wants to know what I like in bed, and who wants to make it a shared journey of mutual pleasure and connection.
Women don’t want you to do things to them, they want to share in a sexual experience. That’s why so many women object to the phrase “I gave her an orgasm” as if they were not a participant in the whole thing, and simply some kind of Newtonian body to be acted upon. I the man act, perform and achieve, and because of this, I win the prize of getting sexual access to the woman and am affirmed as being a real man — at least for the moment. This is a well-entrenched script, but it’s also completely wrong and really needs to be retired.
I don’t want to be sold a product. I want to be involved with a person. Your confidence is always attractive, but that needs to come from really owning who you are. I don’t want to be controlled or talked down to. I’m looking to interact with a man, not be his prey or his prize for going through the motions of some mating dance. I want to be with someone looking for a partnership— not an insecure teenager wearing adult-sized clothing.
And from what I hear from them, this is what most other adult women want as well. You’re impressive when you treat someone with less power than you with respect, for example, or when you are honestly interested in getting to know a woman as a person. How you conduct yourself speaks volumes about what sort of a man you truly are, and that’s much more impressive than some kind of annoying sales pitch where you talk at her and try to convince her of how impressive you are.
© Copyright Elle Beau 2022