GUY CODE/GIRL CODE
Life in the Gender Matrix
All my life I just wanted to be accepted by women. I never understood why. I felt their hearts in a way that virtually never happened when I was with the guys. To be clear, there were many women with whom I had absolutely no connection. My reference here is to the gender as a group. I have always felt an instantaneous bond and comfort with a group of women that I never felt with a group of guys.
With the guys I always felt like I was play acting. I am always required to actively participate in the conversation to be accepted. I knew the words I needed to respond to every guy comment, regardless of whether I knew what he was saying. I had a lifetime of practice. It goes like this, usually over a beer in a bar:
HIM: “Hey did you see the last pitch by XXXX in the finally inning of the game last night?”
ME: “Naw, I was watching the hockey game.” I was actually asleep. I hate watching baseball.
Or
HIM: “What do you think of the trade that XXX did for the new wide receiver?”
ME: “All I know is that the team needs to focus more on their offense if they hope to get into the playoffs.” I have no idea who XXX is and I really don’t care.
The goal is to say things with such conviction that the conversation rolls on. You need to ride the conversational wave, never fight it. Failure is not an option.
With a group of women I always feel the need to step carefully. I am always treated politely but always as an outsider. I always feel like there is a certain restraint and lack of intimacy when I am there. It feels like the conversation would be different if I wasn’t there. No surprise.
I hate being the outsider.
With the guys I am an accepted insider. I always adhered to the GUY CODE which is a very long list of rules that you must learn to be accepted as a GUY. Compliance is mandatory. The Urban Dictionary has an entertainingly long list of 68 of the rules (https://www.urbandictionary.com/).
My favorites:
“Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.”
“Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.”
“If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything!”
“bros before hoes. men always back other men.”
Don’t kid yourself. There are more.
Searching further I found that the Urban Dictionary also lists 31 rules for the GIRL CODE. Here are some of my favorites:
“No girl shall wear the same outfit or perfume as a friend if they know they will be in the same place.”
“Inside jokes are not to be explained to outsiders.”
“Don’t be a hater. If a girl walks in looking gorgeous, girls automatically try to find something bad about her.”
“Chicks before Dicks. Simple. The female version of Bros before Hoes.”
If I transition, I am in big trouble! There is so much to learn and the new Code book is huge. I will need to apply for a learners permit to survive as I cross over between the two minefields.
Is there a TRANSGENDER CODE?
Now you know I am going to try to put one together.
Emma Holiday
Writers note: If you have read any of my writings on Medium you will have noticed a definite theme: the incredible pain of gender dysphoria and all the difficult aspects of just being transgender.
My writing has three specific goals:
1. Writing is my therapy. I have a very limited outlet for my thoughts so I write to find a way to process the most profound experience in my life. I need to understand and I need to accept myself to move forward.
2. Being transgender, for me, is a very lonely existence and if I can share some of the things that I feel and think as I go through the process of transitioning with others who are transgender and, in some way, lessen their pain and sense of loneliness, then all of this public exposure of my personal thoughts is not a waste.
3. I write to help cisgender people understand that all trans people want is to be simply understood, accepted and treated as a normal person. We are.
Thank you for reading my work.
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