Gut Check: Paying Attention to the Twitch

Even in our polyamorous relationship, sharing my lover is not always as easy as it seems it should be.

“We met this great couple when we were out for dinner,” my dearest commented when we were catching up about our weekend. “There was a bit of a swinger vibe about them.”

My dearest and his nesting partner dabbled a bit in swinger space before the pandemic changed the world in such dramatic ways for everyone. They had decided that wasn’t a space for them and haven’t returned to the scene.

This remark about this new couple sparked my interest because though we never acted on it, we had entertained exploring that scene together.

“Oh? Are you planning to go back into that space?” I asked as my curiosity got the best of me.

“Not necessarily. It was just a vibe.”

And with that, the conversation meandered to a few other places before it ended and the subject didn’t cross my mind again.

A couple of weeks later, my dearest and I are sharing breakfast after a long overdue date night. As we were discussing our weekend plans, he mentioned that he and his nesting partner were going out to dinner with that new couple they met.

He shared a bit more about the last dinner and the energy he felt they shared among the foursome. I inquired if they were planning to go back into the swinging scene and his reaction seemed to be one of cautious optimism.

On the one hand, I was happy for him and his partner. If swinging is something that they enjoy together and gives them some shared fun, maybe it will ease some of the frustrations that seem to be recurring in their relationship.

During times of low energy, I am most likely to react to my emotions rather than simply listen to them.

But as he talked, something inside of me twitched. That little alarm that I am learning to recognize as a precursor to my fear- or insecurity-driven meltdown is getting easier to spot the first time it rises in me. A gut check asking me to pay attention.

Even though our date night and shared morning had been incredible, the previous few days had left me emotionally drained and tired because of other issues going on in my life. During times of low energy, I am most likely to react to my emotions rather than simply listen to them. My record of making awful and ill-informed decisions when I am like this makes learning to do better well worth the effort.

I decided to take a pause and simply acknowledge the twitch as something I would examine more closely after I was better rested.

Later in the day, my mind kept returning to my dearest and his upcoming dinner date. Each time brought a little more anxiousness and the twitch was growing stronger. It was time to get curious about why this seemed to be bothering me.

I have been listening to Brené Brown and her work around understanding emotions. As the universe would have it, the section on my drive home was on envy and jealousy. I felt called out when she stated, “The difference between envy and jealousy is that envy materializes when one wants something somebody else has…while jealousy is the feeling that a relationship is being threatened.”

Could either of these emotions be in play with my twitch? Do I feel like anything about my dearest returning to swinging with his wife is a threat to our relationship or connection? Is there something that someone else has in this possible scenario that I want? I took it a step further because jealousy often is really a combination of anger, sadness, and fear, and tried to uncover what could be driving fear in all of this.

The first real question to address was if this bubbling inside was because I want to be sexually possessive or exclusive with my dearest. I sat with this for a while before concluding that I am safe and completely comfortable in our connection.

I know him and how he experiences sexual connection and pleasure. There is nothing in my understanding that would make a swinging connection a threat to anything we share in our intimate spaces.

The fear of losing my dearest to some hot, smart, sexy swinger is not a thing for me. The idea of sharing him is not the source of my struggle here. In fact, I am looking forward to sharing him in some very public ways in the near future.

The jealousy question was not as clear of an answer when I began to dig into that possibility. I would like to think that at this point in our relationship that it is not something I have to address in my own heart. But denying this feeling would make me a liar.

There is a definite space of jealousy here but it is not sinister in its intent. I love sharing pleasure — especially sexual pleasure — with my dearest. He has his nesting partner and there is a sexual history and continued connection there, but that doesn’t illicit the same kind of response in me.

The idea of him sharing himself sexually without me with someone new actually makes me sad. It’s not that I mind him having sexual experiences with others, it truly is that I want to be the one to share him. Perhaps I took the power exchange aspect of our kinky side more literally than I should have if these kinds of opportunities may be part of his desired exploration with another partner.

This is my problem and not his. There is no expectation that he would adjust his choices in any of this on my account.

This is my problem and not his. There is no expectation that he would adjust his choices in any of this on my account. I have no desire to limit his pleasure or his freedom and honor his autonomy and ability to choose his own path. My feelings have a place in all of this because nothing ever comes out in a positive space by shoving them away. So acknowledging my jealousy of those he shares his body with when I am not also included in the experience is important.

As far as envy, it has a place in all of this, too. There is something that someone else has in this possible scenario that I want. I suspect that I will always be envious of anyone he shares his gorgeous body with.

Hell, when I am honest — I am envious of even those in his past who have shared in his pleasure. I wish that was not the case, but I so savor this man that given the chance I would hoard all of the pleasure he brings.

Envy is not to be a weapon to try to control him or his choices. Loving him with an open hand means that we are both completely free to do as we wish as long as there is consent around the health and safety of all involved.

The core of the gut check is actually far less complicated than my desire to share in the sexual pleasure of this beautiful man I adore. Though the possibility of sharing him sexually is a bit more fraught than I wish it were or want it to be, the biggest concern that is driving my fear is about time.

We have been in such a swirl for so very long. Stressors at home and work have been really hard and even though there is madness yet to go, I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Once we get through these last hurdles, we may be able to find some normalcy and pacing in our face-to-face connections.

There has been much chaos endured over the course of building our relationship, but it has been hard. I am looking forward to things getting easier.

When he mentioned the possibility of returning to swinging, what kept coming to mind was how much that would require us to change what we have worked so hard to build.

Some changes are logistics. For example, we would need to have regular STI testing and likely need to move to the use of barriers. Not to mention that scheduling is already hard enough for us.

The story I tell myself is that if he decides to return to this kind of play together with his wife, his time would be even more limited and restricted with me because the connection with the other couple(s) would include his nesting partner. In my mind, those connections will be higher up on the priority of his scheduling than our time because prioritizing our time over those opportunities would be seen as choosing me over his nesting partner. That is not going to play well based on my past experiences.

The thought of trying to add a couple into the mix of the complexities of our schedule literally makes my stomach churn. But all of this is just in my own mind for now.

I realize that he gets to choose how to spend his time and energy and I have the same options. This feels like a possible game-changer on so many levels. Just the possibility of adding another layer just feels completely overwhelming and is the source of my fears.

As I was sorting through all of these things in my own heart, there was much gratitude for my growth in the last 3 years. I was able to sit with the emotions and not be swept away by them.

This situation was only presented as a possibility with no plans or reality behind it. As it turns out, it doesn’t seem that swinging with this new couple or anyone else actually will be in the cards anytime soon. A conclusion that was completely his without my input.

I was surprised by the amount of relief I felt upon learning this.

It was important to understand the twitch that the mere existence of this option stirred inside of me. If my dearest decides that he wanted to engage in swinging with his nesting partner at some point in the future, there will be things to figure out.

I am grateful that we choose to be fearless in our authenticity with one another and courageous in our vulnerability.

I can decide how these things fit or don’t fit in my world, but I don’t have a vote on whether he pursues this option now or at some time in the future. My responsibility is to honestly share my thoughts and feelings with him.

He is free to choose his path. I have always known that. I just wasn’t prepared for this level of a gut check this conversation brought.

I am once again reminded that I have chosen to love this man but that does not give me ownership of either his body or choices. Even though I recognize those absolute facts, I am grateful that we choose to be fearless in our authenticity with one another and courageous in our vulnerability.

I can show up and share my heart without fear. That is the greatest gift of all.

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