Grilling in a Thunderstorm — Dad Observations

A few weeks ago, I wrote that I got back into grilling. While my burger game was still strong after my hiatus, I wanted to play around with a few mid-grade steaks before trying the good stuff. It is still, I believe, a Federal crime to cook a well done filet mignon. With my “spring training” complete, I felt ready for the regular season(ing).

Three days ago, my wife obtained two filets from a shockingly willing cow (or the grocery store — I forget which). Last night was game time. It was my time to reestablish my perch as the preeminent griller in our yard. Your reign is over, Nesting Woodpecker!

The Plan

Any good plan requires precise timing, and accounts for any possible contingency. Pre-positioned first aid, for example, is essential in case a neighbor’s yappy dog distracts you when igniting the grill.

As like any true American, I use an obnoxious amount of lighter fluid, and if some dog started yapping at a tree, I could incinerate my arm. The good news is that, with so much fluid, I have to give it ample time to burn off. Typically, I’ll give it 30 minutes to a month. This gives me plenty of time to tend to any third-degree burns.

The menu called for the steak (obviously), grill-baked potatoes, and grill-baked carrots. The potato factor meant that I’d have to tack on another hour to the process — those things resist heat like a champ. I can understand their moxie — they have to grow in the soil. Soil is a solid, considerably more dense than air. Watermelons grow in air. If one were to grill a watermelon — I can’t image why they would — it would succumb in less then three minutes.

I didn’t really care about the carrots. I don’t like them. But, my kids and wife do, so I took one for the team.

After borrowing my wife’s TI-83 graphing calculator, I was able to plot out a schedule for success. I’m not sure what “cos” means, but pressing that button seemed to be helpful. (I briefly considered using “tan” — I don’t want skin cancer, and was unclear over how UV-ish it’s tan was.)

The Weather

Justin Berk is a meteorologist here in Maryland. He is a local favorite, and helpfully posts a series of maps that show when bad weather is set to strike the region. I thought that my (lengthy) plan fit into the window that Mr. Berk had laid out.

My plan did not factor in my proclivity for napping. When I arose from my slumber, I was already behind schedule. I rapidly prepared the meat and the vegetables (or fruits? who knows anymore — last week I learned that a pomegranate is actually in the “dinosaur” food group). The boys chipped in, and helpfully applied enormous amounts of salt to everything, including the kitchen counter.

The skies were clear when I started the grill and retreated to the house to let 15.3 gallons of accelerant burn away. It was cloudy by the time I put on those stubborn potatoes and the crappy carrots. I knew doom was possible, but it still seemed off in the distance.

Then, doom.

A heavy rain started to fall, quickly followed by bright lightening, and cracks of thunder that rattled the bowels of our cats. I went into a “Don’t Get Killed” delay.

Never Surrender

I was not to be denied. Heroically, I got those steaks onto the grill in a fairly timely fashion. The worst had passed, but there was still some rumbling in the distance. Nonetheless, I felt it was prudent to limit my contact with metal objects.

I loved He-Man growing up, and the idea of transforming into a superhero by getting struck by lightening intrigues me. Still, until sufficient scientific studies prove that method is safe, I’ll refrain.

Since it was still raining at a good rate, this caution led to me getting drenched. It was also fun for oldest to take a picture of mom and dad tending the grill while cats, dogs, and large turtles were falling from the sky.

The Result

Even through all Nature threw at me, I presented properly cooked potatoes, meaningless carrots, and two medium-rare filets.

My wife and the kids loved it. I loved it as well, but…less because of the flavors and more because they were happy.

Mostly, I was able to engender sympathy for braving a storm that could have possibly produced large tornadoes (I mean, it could have happened. Nothing is impossible, right?) to put food on the family table.

(Let’s ignore the fact that my wife actually purchased all the food, and I just heated it to a safe level. Thanks.)

Originally published at https://brettchrest.com on June 23, 2020.